J. Biebs, And Nothing More

Biebs went behind my back and released this new perfume and subsequent commercial without alerting me first. But then I saw it, and I understood why.



I think this explains itself.

And on that day, the world was reborn from a "Someday"-less infant to a poorly edited, nonsensical, but likely sweet-smelling man. Err, waifish teenage boy, rather.

Relevant Things Going On in My Life Right Now #5

[Note: images aren't working for me at the moment. Sorry. Sad face.]

I haven't written a post in awhile-ish. Sorry. Lazy. I also haven't written one of these kinds of posts in a LONG time. But now I am. Aren't you lucky?

Today I got a Mew and now I am quite confident that I will become the greatest Pokemon master EVER. If you have HeartGold or SoulSilver then get on the Mystery Gift right now and download Mew! Do it! Now! Right now! But then please come back and read the rest of the post...

Which starts now!:

• 30 Rock Live: This is major and I probably should have written a review, but I didn't and oh well. Did you see it? Oh, excellent? Did you love it? Gasp! Me too! It was great and I enjoyed it immensely. It had a series finale kind of vibe but it was a fun experiment regardless. Although I think maybe this should have been the series finale -- not now, of course! Years from now, they should have done this episode. But whatever, I enjoyed it now. I didn't get to see the West Coast version but luckily someone has compiled a video of the differences between the two. I'm not sure which one I like better; they're both pretty amazing. Maybe the East Coast version, because I'm biased:
   
• Justin Bieber's autobiography: If you can even call it that. It's even more hilarious than I would have thought it'd be, though. Choice line: “There are lots of things I really like besides girls. Like pizza. And pranking. And CHUCK NORRIS.” Obviously this thing was ghost-written when I was in middle school. Biebs has been ready for this for years.
• The long tracking shot from Atonement: I loved the book but wasn't as big of a fan of the movie. I especially conked out during the Dunkirk scenes; unfortunately that meant that I missed on this very, very long tracking shot. I think tracking shots are the absolute coolest; this one especially! Watch it here.
• Cathy is over: Y'know, she definitely is a ton like Liz Lemon. "Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! Ack!" Love it. People always complained about how whiny and annoying Cathy was but I always kind of liked it. I recently watched the EMMY AWARD-WINNING animated special (in which Cathy is voiced by Pepper Ann!) and I actually liked it a lot. It's sad that it seems like the newspaper comics industry is sort of dying out; there isn't anything new coming in and older things are dying out. I wonder what will happen.
• Songs from commercials: I usually don't listen to songs that I heard first on commercials because it's hard to disassociate them with the commercials, but I've been listening a lot to "All Summer" from a recent Converse commercial (that actually creeps me the heck out) and "Blogspot" (BLOGSPOT OH EM GIZZLE) by Paul and the Patients from a Target commercial. They're both really good in their own right and I think that the visuals in the commercials don't distract me from the songs. (Also, if I hear songs that I already know in commercials or in Sears like I did yesterday then I actually want to listen to them more. Weird, isn't it? I heard "Fools" by the Dodos on a beer commercial and it made me want to listen to the song again. And I heard "Fables," also by the Dodos, in Sears yesterday and got super-excited. It's super-exciting!
• Friday night's episode of Freaks and Geeks: Please let me continue to live in my little bubble where this show still airs weekly, okay. There are only 2 episodes left for IFC to show and it makes me a little sad, especially since yesterday's episode was so good. You can watch it in many a part starting here.
• Sweaters: This is random and irrelevant (UH OH) but I love sweaters. That is all.

Such is life. Life goes on. Things like that. Now, back to looking at my kitty. Whoopee!

"Who wants to go to the hospital?"

No, unfortunately this post is not Arrested Development-related.

Check out this newest heart attack waiting to happen: the Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt:

Since KFC introduced the Double Down earlier this year, fast food chains are tripping over themselves to slap together as many of their limited menu items as possible. In the process they're churning out some pretty disturbing food-like substances.  

You can add the Grilled Cheese Burger Melt from the Friendly's restaurant chain to the growing list of WTFood items. This monster packs 1,500 calories and 97 grams of fat, but I guess that's what happens when you sell three sandwiches as one (at least it's two-thirds vegetarian!).

Disgusting. I'm not a fan of grilled cheese sandwiches and I don't eat beef, but even so: how can anyone be expected to eat this?! How could anyone ever take their kids to Friendly's and say, "Hmm, you know what, Sharon? I think I'll get that burger that's 75% grilled cheese sandwich, because having one or the other just isn't enough!" And then Sharon says, "Whatever you say, honey, I'm just the wife, and thus I have no say on anything." Her husband replies, "You're darn right you don't have any say!" And then Sharon dies a little more inside.

Despite this sandwich's obvious grossness, I'm not sure it truly beats the former King of Oh You Silly Obese Americans And Your Silly Fattening Burgers, KFC's Double Down.

The first time I ever saw this burger, I nearly vomited. It's hard to keep myself from doing it right now, in fact. Who could eat this?! Who? It doesn't even have any semblance of actual BREAD; it's just all MEATMEATMEATMEAT (and some cheese, and some mayo).

“For your real chicken sandwich lover, you no longer have to go to a burger place for a (not as tasty) chicken sandwich. This is so meaty, there is no room for the bun,” Maynard said. The latter quip will serve as the catchphrase in an upcoming national ad campaign to announce the Double Down.

The Double Down comes either grilled or fried with KFC’s Original Recipe. The fried version has 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. The grilled version has 460 calories, 23 grams of fat and 1,430 milligrams of sodium.

On the bright side, this excrement-resembling "treasure" is nowhere near as caloric and fattening as the Grilled Cheese Burger Melt. The magic of chicken! Believe me, there are few people out there who love chicken as much as I do, but I still can't believe that someone would actually be willing to eat this. Look at all of that sodium! Also, I have yet to see this grilled version. I wonder how the heck that could work. The fried version at least shapes the chicken into something bread-like (although it still totally looks like something you'd find in a diaper).

Which would you rather have send you to the hospital? The Grilled Cheese Burger Melt or the Double Down?

ETA: I know I sad I was taking the whole weekend off, but then I remembered that I have nothing else to do but post on my blog (or watch America's Next Top Model marathons; I've been doing that, too).

Shakin' My Weight Like Yeah

I'm a lazy hobo-in-training so today I asked my bro "Checkahs" (not his real name, thank goodness) to write me a guest blog. Here it is, in its EDITED and AWESOME form. If anyone else wants to write a guest blog, JUST ASK. I'm always lazy and I like mocking your horrible writing JAY KAY Y'ALL

I recently found out about a new fitness program around a new device called a Shake Weight, which has too many parodies to count. The exercises have clear sexual innuendos and seem unnecessary, but that’s not the worse part.

On vacation I found that they made a Shake Weight for Men; you need to see the workouts for those as well. With everyone just grunting and sweating like crazy, you have to realize what they actually are doing: holding something that is shaking. Does anyone even care what dynamic inertia is besides physics peeps….no. The guys in the commercial just make weird open-mouthed gestures and then end with a final grunt. could get a toner body without looking so gay (sorry gay people, it’s not your fault).

Anywho… I’m pretty sure the only buyers of these products are the female counterparts who think their partners need a boost. For me, I would rather use that board where the users just shout at you, it's really empowering, or that P90X workout (they have yoga :D)

Don’t get me started on the women’s Shake Weight. The commercial is basically the same without the buff dudes, expressing the awesome power of dynamic inertia!! You can make anything look dynamic with italics. They just say that it’s so hard for women to find exercises for their arms, it’s called a freakin’ dumbbell curl, idiot. The commercial also seems like the users are pedestrians on the street, how does that conversation play out? Excuse me, can you please place this weight in your hand and let it shake for a minute?

It could be good training for a seizure victim or capturing a spazzy dog, but that’s all it has running for it. NO ONE should buy this product.

P.S. You should look at the parodies [of the ads] on your own time; they have rather suggestive material. See them here and here.

P.P.S Stay golden pony-boy(z).

Relevant Things Going On in My Life Right Now #2

Me cosplaying as Captain Willard from Apocalypse Now. LOLOLOL (That's not funny, is it?)

It seems like every time I want to write these things, I'm watching something on MTV. This time, it's True Life: I Hate My Face. Ladies, don't worry, you're not alone; I hate your faces too!

So, that aside:

• MTV Movie Awards: I saw them yesterday, and then again today (not by choice the second time!) They weren't that good, at all. Predictably, Twilight swept everything. Pretty lame. Trying to think of funny moments right now and failing really hard. Oh, actually, no, Aziz Ansari was surprisingly funny; I liked his Human Giant skit and the one with Zach Galifianakis. He was teaching Zachy G. how to have "swagga." It was as funny as it sounds. The opening with Les Grossman (from the stinking 2-year-old Tropic Thunder, I mean, come on guys, he's funny, but why are you bringing him back now? So random) was pretty funny. Michael Cera bookends. Yep.
• Apocalypse Now: Just saw the end today. It was a pretty excellent movie, aside from the fact that I had no clue what was going on half the time. But that's what happens when you watch it over a period of a week. You know. "THE HORROR, THE HORROR!" Why is "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" such a popular line? Really. But I did love that character, even though he really wasn't that important in the long run. And --spoiler-- who ever thought that Lance would be the only one in Martin Sheen's party left? NOT I STEVE CARELL
• The Hard Times of RJ Berger hatred: Okay. So. You should probably know me well enough to know that I kind of HATE a lot of things. Sometimes I just make assumptions. Usually, though, my assumptions are OVER 9000% CORRECT. This is one of those times. RJ Berger is some little demon that reared its ugly little head in some MTV/Viacom office saying "PUT ME ON TELEVISION OR I WILL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU AND MAYBE ALL OF YOUR SHETLAND PONIES TOO." We all know how much Viacom employees love their complimentary Viacom Corp. Shetland ponies, so they, begrudgingly, obeyed Mr. Berger's commands and gave him his horrible show. Okay, so, back to the assumption thing: I kind of haven't seen the whole show yet. But really, if you saw the commercials, you'd know - it's not necessary for me to see it to know that it sucks. I MEAN. COME ON. RJ is supposed to be 15 and HE LOOKS CORY MONTEITH-AGED. Man, it's just not okay. After it premiered on Sunday, I checked the Internetz and saw that most people above the age of 14 called it crud. I also found out that it was a lot more...um...yeah, just read this: http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-hard-times-of-rj-berger-pilot,41841/
• Old video game commercials: Okay, these aren't that old, but remember now: I'm young and stuff. There's the Kirby! Nightmare in Dreamland one that has that song that everyone who was worth my time (oh snizz oh snizz) knew all the words to back in, like, fourth grade; then there's the Super Smash Bros. one from all the way back in the 90s. That one's one of the GREATEST. EVER. It's even greater than my cat. And my cat is pretty darn great. (ETA: Upon further consideration, I have decided that my cat is still greater than this commercial.) Oh! Then there's the Pokemon Red and Blue commercial. Guess who's in it? DRAKE BELL. Gasp! Giggle! Squee! Here's another one that's actually really depressing for a commercial trying to sell you two really expensive kids' games. Man, Nintendo had the best commercials back in the day. Now? Meh.
• E3 excitement: OH MY GOD IT STARTS NEXT TUESDAY GAIZ. I am SOSOSOSOSOSO excited. I think this year's going to be AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF LIKE TOTALLY FERRLZ. I probably shouldn't hype it so much BUT IT'S HARD NOT TO, MAN! Last year it was really early, and I had Study Hall 9th period so I left school early to go watch the press conferences. Now it's during my Finals week, so I come home even EARLIER! :D ...but then I have to study. But PSH THAT CAN WAIT. Plus, on the last day I don't have any tests. I might have to be resuscitated, guys. Be on hand.
• Glee season finale: This season was insanely long. Insanely. Scarily, even. The thing is, it wasn't really any longer than the average season, number of episodes-wise. It just lasted the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR. It was crazed. This episode had a lot of problems; it felt completely like a different show. Refer to this annoyingly positive but still pretty on-the-nose review: http://www.avclub.com/articles/journey,41944/ Here's the single-greatest moment from not just the episode, but also probably the season (next to Kurt's "Rose's Turn" and that sweet moment with him and his dad and Finn); it's Jonathan Groff singing "Bohemian Rhapsody!"