Top Chef: Just DRAMA (Or A Pun to That Effect)

MAN. MAN! Major stuff just went down on Top Chef: Just Desserts, man! AND I AM STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF PROCESSIN'. THIS MAY TAKE A MOMENT.

[a moment]

Okay!

So if you haven't been watching, then you don't know who Seth is. This is sad. I pity you. Seth is one of the greatest gifts television has received since whatever that last greatest gift was. (Alec Baldwin, maybe?) Seth was the mentally ill guy with obvious mommy issues who managed to have a meltdown about everything. "Hey, Seth, pass me that spoon, would you?" "Spoon? What are you talking about? Who do you think I am? I can't work like this! I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! SOMEONE HOLD ME! I NEED A CREAMSICLE AND A HUG RIGHT. NOW. MOMMY!" Or perhaps, "Seth, I think you are a talented pastry chef." "WELL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN GO [censored] YOUR [censored] [censored] AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAN? I DON'T NEED THIS. I'M GONNA GET ME A FINANCIER AND A SAMMICH AND I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE THERE REALLY ISN'T ANYWHERE TO GO, SO, YEAH."

Yes, that is Seth in a nutshell. Obviously, he is hysterical. How I adore laughing at the mentally unstable on TV! This is what America's about, baby! HECK YEAH AMERICA. While the show has a lot of other good qualities (I mean, it has the word "dessert" in the title; there's no way you can get me to NOT watch it unless "dessert" is preceded by "Twilight-Inspired" or "Very Unappetizing," although I'd probably watch the latter anyway because I'm bored), the best thing about it was quite obviously Seth's really, really demented persona that was unclear as to whether or not it was put on.

Today's episode, which I'm still in the middle of watching, started with what was an excellently absurd tantrum brought to us by our bro. The Quickfire Challenge was to use ice cream and other items to make a sundae. "Can we make our own ice cream?" neurotic Seth asked once Gail stopped yapping about how "we have Breyer's! *smile for the camera* ice cream!" "NO, SETH. YOU CAN'T. WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID? LIKE. WHAT," responded Gail, still smiling for the camera while modeling a carton of Breyer's! ice cream. (Please note: I love Gail, she rules.)

Seth, like any sensible human being would when faced with the fact that there are no options but Breyer's!, proceeded to flip out.

All of the other contestants (yes, oddly enough, there are people on the show OTHER than just Seth!) rolled their eyes and chanted all of the curses of death that they could remember in their heads as Seth screamed "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COOK WITH THAT [censored] [censored]?! MY MOMMY WOULD NOT APPROVE!" Then, trying to ease back onto the ground, Seth looked for "his" paper cups. "Hey. Where the [censored] [censored] are my paper cups?!" [/Arrested Development reference, although he seriously said this, basically] Since Seth could not find his paper cups, he obviously could never function like a normal person ever again. So, he walked out of the room.

Everyone cheered; Yigit was as ecstatic as a person named Yigit can get; Zac's face was as pink as his ascot; that Muppet Danielle grimaced, which in her language is a sign of pleasure; Eric continued to look far older than he actually is, but regardless, he was happy.

But then Yigit, who has inordinately large ears (as well as amounts of screen time), heard sirens. "SIRENS? WHAT?! HOW COULD THIS BE? Does this mean we're actually in the real world and not Just Desserts Land like Bravo told us? SO I COULD HAVE BEEN CALLING MY MOM? Lame." But the sirens not only let us know that there was a real world out there, but that also, Seth kind of had an anxiety attack and was lying on the ground. The ambulance came and he claimed to have "never had an anxiety attack before." Right, Seth. Right.

Seth got taken away and things started to feel weird. Would he come back? Would neighborhood children from that savage, cruel real world pelt the ambulance with pastries? The answers, in order, are NO and LIKE I KNOW, WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

That's right. Seth got taken away in the ambulance and was "not deemed fit to compete any longer." Apparently NO ONE HAD EVER SEEN THE FOOTAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS THREE EPISODES, BUT OKAY. How this man passed any mental health test is beyond me, first of all, but because of this anxiety attack, Seth was gone, and so was my love for the show.

Johnny came in to tell the chefs what had happened. Unfortunately, he assumed that they would care and feel badly. He was quite wrong.

Johhny: "Hey guys. Sorry to tell you this, but Seth just got taken in an ambulance and won't be coming back. He had an anxiety attack so he's no longer fit to compete."
Everyone else: "Hooray! Now our non-existent personalities will get some screen time! And now we won't have anyone to make fun of anymore!"
Johnny: "Wait, so you're happy about this?"
Everyone else: "Of course we are! Now, let's go back to work! We want to make ice cream sundaes and play with each other's hair and smoosh cake all over each other's faces because we're feeling playful and fun! SUNSHINE!"

It was horrible and pathetic and it made me sad. Top Chef: Just Desserts is Top Chef: Sans All of the Fun That Makes You Want to Watch. Goodbye, Seth. I'll miss you and your disturbing sociopathic antics. SO MUCH.

Picture found here.

EDIT: Apparently it was not as obvious to people other than myself that Seth was merely a character; the likelihood that the Seth that exists outside of Top Chef is nearly as disturbed or even "mentally ill" as he appears to be on the show is low. OF COURSE I don't find REAL "mentally ill" people entertaining in the slightest; it's called a joke, pathetic, mediocre, exploitative, or unfunny it may be.

If you find this rant boring, pathetic, or you thought that Seth's treatment on the show was exploitative, then, well, why are you reading, anyway? Please go use your time more productively while I go cough like a Japanese schoolgirl. "Cough desu! COUGH DESU!" *dramatic sigh*

Work Of Art #1.4 Review

I've been trying to write a review for this for awhile, but I just...couldn't. But today I'm going to try. This post will probably be really stupid, full of "It was stinking hilarious", and poorly written. Just giving you some warning.

Oh, and before I get into things, please follow my tumblr if you have one. If you don't have one, then just disregard this part. It was supposed to supplement this blog, somehow, but I'm not really sure how so it kind of isn't.

WORK OF ART #1.4 "A Shock to the System"

While last week's challenge was incredibly commercial and "safe," yesterday's episode was all about shocking the viewer. That being said, while this challenge was probably more interesting and was better for showcasing the artists' talents than last week's, trying to shock is overrated and pretty hard to do well, which led to this episode, much like last week's, featuring the artists flailing their arms and freaking out a lot. (Look at all of those F's!)

However, one person who kept his cool amidst the rest of the gang's misguided attempts to shock was my favorite brohan, Miles. Miles is, without exaggeration, one of the greatest reality show "characters" I've ever seen. Every week Miles speaks in the same deadpan/mildly sarcastic tone in his talking heads and says something completely awesome. This week, he talked about how the first time he got turned on, which was while watching Ursula The Little Mermaid. Yes, this was actually completely relevant to the rest of the episode. Basically, this was Miles: "maaaan dat fish was dayum fine." Um, except more deadpan, obviously. And then he asked his mom what was "happening to his body." Oh, Miles.

Miles constantly mugs for the camera in his big glasses and rolled up jeans and it's just great. Did I mention that he relies on the old standby "I have OCD" as an excuse for everything and has an affinity for sleeping at the oddest of times and in the oddest of places? It's pretty obvious that Miles is going to come out on, or near, the top because he's the strongest personality; not only that, but he also has the best portfolio. I really liked his genital-laden, male bodily fluid-stained Mickey Mouse (now THAT'S something you don't hear someone say every day); while it wasn't that shocking, well, none of the pieces were, honestly, so grading on artistic merit his really was the best. But, of course, I'm kind of biased.

Miles: "Excuse me while I jack off on my painting and then take a nap on it, kthx"

Some of the other "characters" got some fun showtime today. Whenever I see Ryan, I wonder why we don't see more of him. He seems like a cool guy, if a little full of himself (there have been SO MANY pieces that have Ryan in them so far). This time we got to see some Ryan action as we watched him make an idiot out of himself in an attempt to be shocking. It' so weird, because Ryan, like Erik who is probably one of his best buddies, has this sorta dynamic personality (I mean, relatively speaking I guess) and I don't constantly forget about him, like Mark and Peregrine, but at the same time I don't really see him going far. He is talented; his picture was good, albeit not very shocking and boringly self-centered yet again. It's just that he seems more like the male model who is there for the artists to use as opposed to being an artist himself. [/Ryan rant]

Someone who actually got a lot of screen time (as opposed to Ryan, whose "some Ryan action" really amounted to about 5 minutes of screen time) was Jaclyn. Jackie is the obligatory "Little Miss Hottie" who's there for the audience to ogle and for the judges to make awkward comments about. I enjoyed watching them look at her piece, which looked like pictures someone would take with their cell phone to send to their boyfriend Jaden or whatever who would later show those pictures that were supposed to be "so special" to all of his friends, including that sleezy dude that everyone calls Boner who would then email the pictures to every single person in school. The judges seemed to derive a bit too much pleasure from the piece. You knew this was true when they put her in the Top 2 with Abdi, another favorite to win. While Jackie didn't end up winning, she does get to stay to prance around nude for at least one more episode.

I have a love-hate relationship with Erik. On the one hand, he's "really stinking hilarious." On the other hand, he's also kind of a jerk and the art he's done so far really sucks. They always show "ERIK JOHNSON'S PREVIOUS WORK LOOK AT IT PEOPLE HERE IT IS WE'RE ONLY SHOWING IT FOR A  FEW SECONDS BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE OKAY IT'S GONE NOW BRAVOTV.COM THANKS" and it always looks really good, but then the crud he produces on the show is just, well, crud. I wonder if it's because he doesn't work well under pressure? I don't know. His "shocking" picture was of Ryan (of course) and Jackie's feet, symbolizing, um, priests molesting little boys. Uh. Uh? Let's stop talking about it, because it's just...erm. Since Jackie is very whiny, she started screaming at people to give her ideas, and Erik did, saying she should have people write all over her pictures. She used this idea and the judges loved it. Erik did not love it when she passed this idea off as her own. That makes sense, of course he'd be mad, but it really made him unlikable in that moment. Jackie, too, but she's always unlikable. I really just wanted Erik to go home. 

(Did I mention that the guest judge this week was famous shock artist Andreas Serrano? I know, you don't care.)

Can I just say that Peregrine cracked me up so many times in this episode? First you see her just standing around nonchalantly in her metallic bunny hood, and then, while wearing that same insane outfit, she has the gall to call Nao "really crazy" (I mean, which she is, but c'mon). Her painting was of fashion models with STDs, and one of them was basically just China Chow. It was called "Syphilis for Prada and Herpes for Chanel." That was basically my favorite non-Miles moment of the episode because during the gallery show China, when looking at the painting, was like, "There's my Chanel collar! And there's my dress! I don't have STDs this is so not cool gaiz D':" China's been completely useless as a host so far. She's no Heidi Klum or Padma Lakshmi (who is actually a really excellent host; thank you, Bravo, for putting Top Chef on right before Work of Art), but I felt like she actually had a personality in this episode, at least. That was nice to see.

The other judges range from annoying to hilariously dumb. Jerry Saltz is the prime suspect in irritating-ness; I'm sure he's the most qualified member of the panel but he really bugs me. I love New York mag but I guess I always skipped the Art section for a reason. Read his recap of the episode to get a sense of how obnoxious he is. The hilariously dumb judge is Jeanne Greenberg Rohatyn, who is barely qualified to even brush her own hair, let alone be in charge of the fate of the people on this show. Jeanne just never has anything of use to say. While Andreas Serrano was standing up for one of the artists that she was dissing, she just gave him this look like, "Uh, are you kidding me right now? How can you NOT agree with me?!" It was incredibly obnoxious and idiotic.

The Tim Gunn character is Simon de Pury, who seems like one of the nicest, friendliest people who has ever existed. While in earlier episodes he seemed more like an observer than a mentor, this time he dispensed important advice and also regaled the artists with his lovely sense of humor. (One of my favorite parts of the show so far has to be, from last week's episode, when Simon tells a joke about a Dr. Zhivago-reading dog. Simon, be my grandfather or something, please!) I think Simon should be a judge, because he seems more cultured, intelligent, and interesting than any of the people who are actually getting paid to give their weak criticisms.

In a horrible segue, not only were the artists trying to be shocking, but the producers were, too, apparently. To be subversive or something, they went with an American Idol-style approach and said that they were going to eliminate TWO people this week. Yeah, I just put "American Idol" in the same sentence as "subversive." That should tell you what I thought of this choice.

The bottom four were Erik, Nao (the "internationally renowned performance artist," she was shaping up to be "The Villain" in the beginning but just faded away), Jamie Lynn (the "Nice Christian Girl"), and John, who was one of my absolute favorites. He won last week's Book Cover challenge and was just generally sweet and huggable. Oh, and, yeah, he was a good artist, too. This week he made a picture of a dude performing "auto-fellatio." I don't want to explain what that means to you, but I also don't want you to see the picture. Hopefully you know enough to know what that means on your own, because it's really disgusting. Unfortunately, the judges found John's picture safe and uninteresting. They told John that they would have preferred a photo of him actually doing the act, which is completely disgusting and weird to say to someone with a straight face. John looked insanely uncomfortable, and I don't blame him.

Nao was put down for doing thoughtless performance art, which was true, but I found it pretty unsettling. So did Andreas Serrano, who, while not shocked, claimed to be disturbed. This view was undermined by the other judges. Idiots. Jamie Lynn drew a parody of the Last Supper that was not shocking at all. The premise was that "We're making Jesus look bad! I'm going to draw a picture that shows you guys that you're making Jesus look bad with all your debauchery! JESUS CHRIST IS SO WONDERFUL!" Oh-kay, Crazy Lynn. The judges called it "Apostles Gone Wild," and aptly-so, but this "Gone Wild" stuff has become so ingrained in our culture that it's pretty much commonplace. As said in this fine review of the episode, "Presented to a panel that includes a man who dumps crucifixes into vats of urine, this 'outrage' directed at religion was benign if not wholly pleasant." It truly was awful.

In the end, the judges kicked off John and Nao, which was completely idiotic. While Jerry Saltz seems to indicate otherwise in his review, I think that the producers wanted to go for shocking in as many aspects as possible. John said that he was "went from winning a challenge one week to being sent home the next [which] is extremely baffling," and I agree. It was stupid. And Nao's might have been meaningless, but I'd be pretty shocked if I saw someone covered in feces that they rubbing on their crotch, and I doubt that'd have a point, either. Erik has been either awful or mediocre for the last four challenges, and Jamie Lynn's was outstandingly bad. Sending home Nao and my beloved JOHN was stupid beyond belief.

It may seem like I have a lot of criticisms, but I'm a hater. That's what we do. I actually really liked this episode, but I don't think I liked it as much as last week's. Next week there's supposed to be some Miles x Nicole (who I haven't mentioned even once, have I?) stuff, which means that there will be lots and lots of Miles, which makes me an excited little girl.

I'll give this episode 3 and a half Little-Mermaid-lovin' Miles out of 5.

Check out the "works of art" here.