Caution: Disturbing Golden Globes Nominations Rant/"Analysis" As Maddeningly Typed Out by Newly 17-Year-Old Below

I'm an awards show junkie. I believe I've established this?

Yeah. Unfortunately the Golden Globes are widely regarded ("widely" = by me, and maybe only me) as the worst of the big shows, but they are the most perfect fodder for my constant girlish rage at all things movie/TV-related so by gum, I shall watch them! And I shall obsess over the freak show nominations that the HFPA makes! And I shall force you to endure this obsession via posting about it in capital letters! AHA! Also I'm obligated to watch the Golden Globes and all of the above and everything because Ricky Gervais is hosting (again) and that man deserves my constant attention. (I'm of the teeny tiny camp that believes that Extras is better than The Office, but I hold this view only because I find the former funnier. The Office is more significant and I will never deny that. 'Cuz I know you care so much?)

So, let's start with the Big Ones:
Best Motion Picture: Drama

• Black Swan
• The Fighter
• Inception
• The King's Speech
• The Social Network

Okay, actually, there isn't much to rant about here. This list seems to be pretty standard as far as this awards season is going, although the inclusion of Inception really does sort of confuse me. I REALLY liked the movie, but I don't know. It had problems. Maybe they're nominating it because, like me, the HFPA loves Leo and JGL? Hmm? Maybe? Yes? But other than that, actually, this category is alright. I'm betting on Social Network, which was great, although I haven't compared the reviews between it and Black Swan, The Fighter, and The King's Speech enough to be sure. (Although I think Speech is really its only true competition.)

Best Motion Picture - Comedy

• Alice in Wonderland
• Burlesque
• The Kids Are All Right
• Red
• The Tourist

This. Category. Is. A. Load. of. AWFUL HORRIBLE TERRIBLE-NESS-NESS-NESS I MEAN AAAGH WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAT? (Here be the Caps Lock abuse.) HOW IS ALICE IN WONDERLAND A COMEDY OR WORTHY OF ANY SORT OF "MAIN" AWARD? BURLESQUE GOT MIDDLING REVIEWS SO HUH? WHAT? SINCE WHEN WAS THE TOURIST A COMEDY? AND RED OVER SOMETHING WITH MORE CONSISTENTLY POSITIVE REVIEWS LIKE SCOTT PILGRIM? Okay, Scott Pilgrim was divisive and those foreigners at the HFPA, I could see them not "getting" it. BUT STILL. I think it was the funniest movie I saw this year SO OBVIOUSLY THAT SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING CONSIDERING THIS IS "BEST COMEDY" RIGHT? AAAAAH. This is the WORST slate of noms in ANY category that I've seen since maybe the 2008 Oscars when Ben Button was considered a serious contender despite the fact that it wasn't that great and Slumdog Millionaire won over Milk which, in my opinion, was MUCH better. UGH. I HATE THIS.

Best Television Series - Drama

• Boardwalk Empire
• Dexter
• The Good Wife
• Mad Men
• The Walking Dead

This category irks me. I'll get to Comedy in a second (or minute or ten minutes) but why does that have 6 nominees and this 5? Asymmetrical! Asymmetrical! Why Boardwalk Empire and not Breaking Stinkin' Bad, man? When everyone who knows anything in TV knows that this season was one of its best? For that matter, which seasons of these shows are the nominations based on, considering that seasons end in May and start in September? Are they based on last season? End of last and beginning of the current season? It's extremely non-sensical. Thankfully, I don't really care too much about drama other than a couple of things so this looks otherwise normal. I believe that this will become the standard and we'll see Walking Dead nom'd at the Emmys next year. But we're not seeing Boardwalk Empire, I know that's for sure... Who knows though?

Best Television Series - Comedy (and Musical)

• The Big Bang Theory
• The Big C
• Glee
• Modern Family
• Nurse Jackie
• 30 Rock

I still don't get it. Nurse Jackie is a comedy? Huh? I really need to get Showtime. I thought The Big C wasn't supposed to be very good? And again: six nominees? Really? Was that necessary? Glee won last year and if it wins again I don't think I'll ever watch the Globes ever again. Really. That's just wrong. Glee is a fun guilty pleasure, not a serious awards contender. As always I'm rooting for 30 Rock, which has been consistently wonderful all season-long. Plus I bet the HFPA is in love with Matt Damon (Carol! CAROL!) so come on, guys! Do it for Matt!

Best Animated Film

• Despicable Me
• How to Train Your Dragon
• The Illusionist
• Tangled
• Toy Story 3

Toy Story 3. Easily. I LOVED How to Train Your Dragon but Toy Story 3 was one of the best movies I've ever seen. It really was. I am madly in love with that movie. I felt like this was an especially strong year for animation, so I'm sad that the Oscars are going to only nominate three films. I think this is a great list, covering all of the bases.

So the big categories are sort of lopsided, obviously...Motion Picture Comedy is so wretched, and TV Drama is weird...but other than that, these noms are safe and as expected.

Acting is a whole other story.

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

That's an overstatement. It's really not that bad. It's just the Motion Picture Comedy category again...

Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Comedy

• Johnny Depp for The Tourist
• Johnny Depp for Alice in Wonderland
• Paul Giamatti for Barney's Version
• Jake Gyllenhaal (TWO A'S) for Love and Other Drugs
• Kevin Spacey for Casino Jack

Okay. Okay. WHAT. IS. THIS. OHOHO JOHNNY DEPP VS. JOHNNY DEPP HOW FUNNY. I assume that's where the "Comedy" in the title comes from, yes? Because THESE MOVIES ARE NOT COMEDIES. MY GOD. Okay, well, perhaps Barney's Version and Casino Jack are, but considering that NEITHER ARE OUT IN THEATRES YET, it's hard to tell. I'm getting a feeling that the HFPA gives preference to movies that premiered at foreign film festivals or something because that's the only way this can work. I mean. Dayum. And what the freak, isn't Love and Other Drugs about how Anne Hathaway has Parkinson's Disease or something? Huh? Jake Gyll! Explain this to me! BLAAARGLE.

Yes, I know this blog is well-written/articulate, never resorting to childish nonsense words. Thank you for noticing.

Some other things of note because I'm getting tired of re-typing the ENITRE list for each category again:

• Piper Perabo for TV Supporting in Covert Affairs: what the crud is this doing here?
• Katey Segal for Sons of Anarchy in TV Supporting: very nicely done, HFPA, very nicely done.
• Scott Caan for Hawaii Five-O in TV Supporting: ...um
• Julia Stiles for Dexter in TV Supporting: Julia Stiles is awful. Awful.
• No Armie Hammer for The Social Network in Motion Picture Supporting: what the what? He was so good though! (At least we've got Andrew Garfield.)
• Halle Berry for Frankie and Alice in Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama: I consider myself reasonably aware of what's going on in the industry but I can't say I've ever heard of this movie, so obviously I'm confused. 

You know what's annoying? This post isn't even that long but it took me an hour and a half to write. I'm sure that "half" comes from just trying to find the list in a properly formatted way, so thanks to IMDb for being the only place that organizes the nominations properly.

Also, I'm really upset about the lack of Yogi Bear, The Nutcracker 3D, and Marmaduke nominations. I was so sure that those three were going to sweep the categories! 

p.s. misleading title is misleading? discuss

Bucky Gunts Presents FWSF's Emmy Recap

Thank you, Mr. Gunts.

So it goes like this: The Oscars are the Patriarch. They are bulletproof. Even when the hosts are bad (like, sadly, this year's were) the show is still amazing because nothing beats its turn-out. The Golden Globes are that smelly uncle from a foreign country that you don't see very often - and don't really want to. But sometimes he brings you some really awesome presents, so you hang out with him a little.

The Emmys are the Oscars' red-headed child. Not step-child, real kid. They try to live up to the Oscars despite their obvious hindrances (red hair/no awesome movies stars, just a lot of cynical TV actors). A lot of the time, they fail. But that's because you don't get to know them. You ignore them. Once you get to know them, once you start to care about them, they're fun. They're worth it.

Last night's Emmys weren't perfect - but they never are. I mean, come on. But they were enjoyable, for the most part. Here are my highlights:

• The opening skit was actually pretty good, despite me being all "EWW GLEE I'M SO TIRED OF YOU GAWRSH" when I saw Lea Michele's confused bangs poke out from the corner of my TV. Jimmy Fallon proved himself to be up to the task. Reuniting him with Tina Fey made me very happy inside. Kate Gosselin, who, by the way, should NEVER EVER be invited to the Emmys EVER AGAIN, was seriously hilarious. And even though I don't really know "Born to Run" they all did an awesome job. I was surprised they didn't make fun of Jorge Garcia more, though. I mean, come on. It's so obvious. And they just ignored little Nina Dobrev, dancing back there. Why was she even there? The Vampire Diaries wasn't nominated for anything, was it? So strange.
• 
  Oh, let me add: I think Jon Hamm rules. Thanks 30 Rock, for teaching me that he has some serious comedy skills! But he seriously is very, very, VERY funny. When he joined the Glee Club (that is so weird to write) I was happy. "DREW AND LIZ TOGETHER A-GAIN!" 
• 
  Since Comedy is the only category I actually watch anything in, I was upset to see it go first. C'mon, guys, you want me to watch for the whole three hours, don't you? But of course, I had to keep watching anyway. The power of bright shiny lights and promises of Ricky Gervais/George Clooney/etc.
• 
  The first award of the night was, weirdly, for Supporting Actor. Seriously guys? You had to go with one of the big categories first? And ACTOR? I would've gone with Actress first, personally, because it's so predictable. Knock the easy ones out first. But I was interested to see who would win this one; I knew it was going to be one of the Modern Family dudes, and I was personally rooting for Ty Burrell. I'm pretty sure Phil is everyone's favorite character. (I'll ask everyone later if this is accurate. I have them locked up downstairs.) But JTF and Eric Stonestreet were deserving too. I love Kurt -- "Rose's Turn" was seriously the best moment of Glee's first season ("If it wasn't for me, then where would you be, Miss Rachel Ber-RRRRRY? *jazz hands*" I'm listening to it now, and never turning it off, thanks), but it wasn't his time. Honestly, will it ever be? I don't know. We'll see. Also, I'm just realizing Jack McBrayer wasn't nominated. That is disgusting and someone will pay. Anyway, Eric Stonestreet won. He made a nice speech. I was happy for him, because he really did deserve it, even if his character isn't my favorite. 
• 
  I knew 30 Rock wasn't going to win any of the big categories, but I really hoped that they'd win a Writing Award, at least! I marathon-ed 30 Rock earlier that day and "Anna Howard Shaw Day" was a hilarious episode. It wasn't the best, and I personally would have nominated "Future Husband" or one of the other Wesley episodes, but it was still great. I haven't see "Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter" so I can't comment on its quality. I knew Glee had no chance, but the "Pilot" was an excellent episode, so I'm glad that it was the one nominated. The episode nominated for The Office was one of the few good ones from the season, and Modern Family could basically have any episode nominated and stand a good chance. As it turns out, they won. Yay.
• 
  Oh, right, by the way, I liked the videos they made. The Glee one made me giggle violently. Seriously, I was physically ill by the time I was done. HE SAID HE LOOKED LIKE A SHETLAND PONY. BAHAHA. 
• 
  Stephen Colbert is a perfect human being. His joke was a bit obvious but that man delivers. I bow to you, Stephen. The category he was announcing was Supporting Actress, which was obvious so I just complained about how Jane Lynch was getting way too big now and moved on. But did you see Jane Krakowski after the other Jane won? She looked so sad. Don't worry, Jen. I think you're excellent.
• 
  They showed a ton of weird Community commercials. I couldn't hear them half the time because the people in my house don't understand that the TV is something people like to LISTEN TO. But they didn't seem that funny. It was really strange. But I'm glad NBC is confident in the nomination-less Community. It is a pretty good show. Not amazing, but funny. Troy and Abed are the bomb.
• 
  Jimmy Fallon did this pretty nuts six degrees of separation thing linking Matthew Perry to Lauren Graham (or the other way around, whatever). This would have been a lot cooler to me if I didn't completely despise the both of them. Seriously, I think they're awful. Completely unfunny. I hate Friends and I can't stand Gilmore Girls. Also, that joke that I think Lauren made about Matthew Perry playing "another gay character" wasn't funny, at all. Anyway, they talked about the people who had won for guest roles. It was boring and just made me feel resentful towards Betty White. Sorry, Betty, but I think you're starting to be overexposed. But NPH, keep doing your thing, honey, yo' perfect. LOVE YOU.
• 
  The comedy directing tapes were really, really strange. Why was Ryan Murphy holding Britney (who looked insane at the show, by the way. I was surprised) like she was his prostitute? Highly disturbing. I had expected, even sort of wanted him to win before that, but then I was a little unsure. He might use the Award to entice more young prostitutes. He ended up winning, so someone should keep an eye on him.
• 
  The little Modern Family short was pretty amusing. The Sofia Vergara-in-3D joke was starting to be overkill. I think I'd be more afraid of Christina Hendricks in 3D. I mean, GOD. SHEESH. 
• 
  The show was moving very quickly. I think it wasn't even 8:30 when they got to the Leads? I was starting to wonder how the heck this was supposed to last another 2 and a half hours, but I knew them Emmy Producers had their magical ways of stretching things out. Anyway, they did Lead Actor first. I sat back comfortably, expecting my beloved Alec Baldwin to pick up yet another award. You know, now that I'm thinking about it, was he even there? They didn't really show him, I don't think. I saw Kenneth/Jack more often than Alec Baldwin. Anyway, so they announce the winner and I'm quite confident that the presenters can't read or something because they say "Jim Parsons." Then I see that completely unfunny dude from the completely unfunny The Big Bang Theory walk up and I throw my M&Ms down in disgust. HOW COULD THIS FREAK WIN OVER ALEC BALDWIN? WHAT IS THIS TRAVESTY? I was pretty much ready to give up at this point. Seriously, that was just awful. If Alec wasn't going to win, I would have been okay with Steve Carrell or Larry David, I might have even been somewhat emotionally stable if Matthew Morrison, but JIM PARSONS? UGHH! I have to move on before I throw my computer at someone.
• 
  Edie Falco isn't funny. She's right. She isn't. Tina Fey, however, is. So why did she not win, again? Ugh. Lea Michele could have even sat okay with me (listening to "Don't Rain on My Parade" right now and this girl could have won for this scene alone. Apparently that's the episode she was nominated for, too). Amy Poehler rocked on Parks and Rec, too. I think Edie Falco is an awesome actress and I liked her on 30 Rock (oh, you) but is Nurse Jackie even a comedy, really? I mean...sheesh.
• 
  Reality is a joke of a category, especially when Intervention isn't nominated, but I was rooting for Top Chef. Also, I really liked those catchy songs Jimmy Fallon was singing at the start of each category. Kim Kardashian wasn't much of a singer. Is it just me or does she look a LOT better in person? In pictures she looks very...odd. But in person she looked great. Maybe it was the makeup or the hair or something. "Reality!"
• 
  Top Chef won. We were all very happy. Although for a ton of the speech were were trying to find Padma, but then we found her and the world was good again. Her hair looked tired. Yes, that is possible.
• 
  Will Arnett and Keri Russell have no chemistry and I'm expecting Running Wilde to fail miserably. It pains me to say that, honest. But I think Mitch Hurwitz struck gold once and won't ever be able to do it again. I'll check it out and hope for the best, but it doesn't look good. 
• 
  I don't care about drama that much because I don't watch any of the shows nominated, but I like Dexter and Breaking Bad and I'm totally okay with Mad Men (Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss are my bros) so as long as those won my blood pressure would be stable. I was really happy for Aaron Paul when he won Supporting. He was supposed to be excellent this season and he just seems like a nice guy. He was so happy. I appreciate that. 
• 
  I heard a lot of people say good stuff about Archie Panjabi on The Good Wife but I didn't expect her to win. Her speech was positively dull but I was still happy for her, even though I was rooting for the Mad Men girls. 
• 
  Lead actor, I was rooting for Michael C. Hall (his hair is growing back, yay), Bryan Cranston, and Jon Hamm. I would have been okay with any of them, but I was calling B. Crans. You know what's creepy? Dexter is married to Deb. It always grosses me out to see them together at these shows, holding hands and being all spouse-y. It's hard for me to disassociate TV from real life, okay?! IT'S A PROBLEM. I KNOW. Anyway, Bryan Cranston won. That dude is so humble and he brought his wife and kid. His daughter seemed to be rolling her eyes a lot. I wasn't a fan of her, but I'm not a fan of most teenage girls. Including myself, and YOU. Anyway, Bryan Cranston, shut up about thinking someone else should win, because you deserve it. And since Breaking Bad isn't coming back until next summer or whatever, Michael C. Hall or Jon Hamm can win next year. :)
• 
  Lead actress was a category I didn't care about at all. I just expected Juliana Marguiles to win, but honestly, it made no difference to me. My dad seemed excited for Kyra Sedgwick, but I was apathetic. Kevin Bacon looks eternally youthful, though. And I enjoyed Tina Fey's banter and Matthew Morrison's awkwardness. Kyra gave Tina the award to hold for her and Tina said, "First award I've got to hold all night!" Oh, Tina Fey. Stamatina Fey. That's her name, you know. Stamatina.
• 
  Jimmy Fallon's musical tribute was awesome. I seriously thought he was Elton John at first. I'm an idiot. But he was good! I especially loved his Boyz II Men parody (THE OUTFIT HAHAHA) and OH GOD HIS BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG! It was PERFECT. I cracked up and couldn't stop. If he had only done his Neil Young, man, I'd be settled for good. 
• 
  I think Variety came next. Variety! Ricky Gervais presented a number of the awards. He should host the Oscars next year. Heck, he and NPH should just co-host every single awards show or something. He rules. He rambled and gave out non-alcoholic beer. Oh, lawd. And the Bucky Gunts thing was monumental. A dude named Bucky Gunts was nominated for directing the Olympics, and in retrospect, Ricky's serious intone as he said "Bucky Gunts" the first time around was probably the funniest thing of the entire show. "I really hope Bucky Gunts wins, because I didn't even know we could say that on TV." (Get it? Because it sounds really DIRTY?) And then he did win and Ricky cheered. It was perfect. Bucky didn't seem to care. Those Canadians are really laid-back.
• 
  Jimmy later accidentally called one of the female presenters "Bucky Gunts." I think it was Claire Danes? Which is hilarious because I hate Claire Danes. Hugh Dancy! You deserve better! You too, Jason Sudeikis! January Jones sucks. 
• 
  Everyone was cheering for Coco to take it home, but that was never going to happen. Did you notice during the Variety montage they had a ton of Coco clips but only one Jay clip? Telling, telling. Also, Jimmy made a little jab at Co at the beginning of the show. Co did not look amused. But it was hard to tell under the facial hair. You know, it was interesting, the Conan shots were kept to a minimum. I guess NBC sort of wanted to forget he was there.
• 
  The Tonys winning, by the way, was idiotic. Although I liked that guy's clip the most. It was very nice. He had the referee one, right? Anyway. Who actually watches the Tonys? I wanted Bill Maher to win something, darn it. And my dad tried to explain how Wanda Sykes' joke about Obama and watermelons was actually funny and not perpetuating racist stereotypes but I just wasn't following. Sorry, but I don't find her funny. 
• 
  
  
  
  

  

  This is how George Clooney feels about this post

• 
  George Clooney won an award for Humanitarianism. I liked his speech, personally. I think he's a cool bro. But then again, doesn't everyone? I'm sure everyone was ecstatic to be in the company of a TRUE movie star, anyway. George Clooney is always fun to watch at awards shows. His deadpan facial expressions at the Oscars this year were my favorite thing.
• 
  Mini-series and Movies is the most boring category. I wanted You Don't Know Jack to win everything. It didn't, except Al Pacino won for acting. Temple Grandin cleaned up. Was it really that good? I don't know. And what was Claire Danes nominated for before? Not My So-Called Life, I hope? I think she was my least favorite thing about that show. Actually, I think everything was my least favorite thing on that show. But I even liked her less than Jared Leto. 
• 
  The real Temple Grandin was there, waving and talking a lot, and my sister kept telling her to shut up, which was mean. I must admit, though, she was getting a little irritating. Not really her fault; I think the whole category was just getting to me.
• 
  Oh, and Julie Ormand or whatever her name is who won Supporting was very, very funny. I can't remember anything she said, but I remember finding her hysterical. It was refreshing.
• 
  Over at my friend's blog she called the In Memoriam segment "the dead montage" which I find hilarious. During the commercials they showed a preview of the segment (because I guess seeing dead people whom most of us don't even remember is something we all look forward to) and Corey Haim seriously looked like Fred Savage. We had a good laugh over that. Wait til Fred Savage hears that everyone thought he was dead! Seriously, apparently we weren't the only ones to think Corey Haim looked liked Fred Savage. But once I realized it was Corey I was sad. Also, could they seriously not get anyone more relevant than JEWEL?
• 
  Jimmy Fallon calling Tom Selleck his "real father" was strange. Tom Selleck: "...Okay." Ahaha. But, um, it was strange that Drama was announced before comedy. I guess they wanted to have the teenagers stick around for as long as possible, eh? So Mad Men won and life went on as normal.
• 
  Modern Family kicked 30 Rock off its pedestal, which made me sad, but at least it wasn't Glee. I think Modern Family had the most consistently-good season out of all of the nominees, so I was okay with it. Every episode I saw was good fun.
• Oh, and John Hodgman as the commentator is something I always look forward to.
 

Holy crud, my arm hurts. These Emmys need to be shorter. This year's was good fun (I KEEP SAYING THAT! EW!) and all, but I don't know. Awards shows aren't what they used to be. Jimmy Fallon was good but the Twitter thing was irritating and it just dragged at the end. Awards season is kind of over now. I'll miss you!

Bad Breaking? Break Badding?

NO. BREAKING BAD. GOSH.

Sorry, there's something wrong with me, I think. But I watched the first episode of EMMY AWARD-WINNING Breaking Bad today. Not only was it one of the longest TV pilots I've ever watched (almost an hour long, and I mean an actual hour) but it was also one of the better ones.

I think I made it clear in my frightening Emmy Noms rant a few days ago that I'm not the biggest fan of dramas, but being someone who loves characters, I can occasionally get sucked into a really good one. (See: Dexter, that episode of Friday Night Lights, and heck, I've been known to watch House/Mad Men marathons if the need arises.) Breaking Bad is a really good one.

I'm not good at describing things, but I'll try. Walter White is a chemistry teacher with a super young wife and a son with cerebral palsy. Walter White is 50 years old and has to work two jobs to support his family (the other job is at a Car Wash run by a comically bushy-eyebrow'd guy). Walter White just found out he has inoperable lung cancer. Comedy ensues? Well, yes, sort of. After learning from his brother-in-law, a DEA agent, about the kind of awesome money that meth lab owners (is that what they call them?) make, Walt becomes fixated on them, soon convincing himself that this is what he should be doing. This is how he should be supporting his family. Once he finds out his former student, wannabe gangsta Jesse, is well-known for selling meth, Walt basically forces him into becoming his partner.

While Walter's change is dramatic and his prognosis sad (you know how the show's going to end, basically - he'll die), seeing him go from this meek teacher to a tough guy who beats up people who mock his son and kills meth dealers to save himself is kind of cool and occasionally funny (he wears nothing but his tighty whities when making meth). However, it remains believable because while Walt may become this seemingly heartless killing machine, when he kills the meth dealers at the end of the Pilot, you see him freak out, sobbing, thinking that he's going to go to jail. Instead of having some Jack Bauer-esque killer who just gets it done, emotionless, Walt has emotions, and a family, and it makes him a really strong main character.

If you're like me and you've been hearing constantly that Breaking Bad is one of, if not THE best show on TV, then I suggest you check it out. Amazon has the first episode up in glorious video quality for FREE. That Emmy that Bryan Cranston is definitely going to be winning in August is well-deserved.