Fantastic Tales From Virginia!

Today we have another guest blog. YES! Less work for me to do! This post by my broski (well, cousin, actually, but okay) Max is pretty much perfect, so please enjoy it. Also, the language is more "adult" than we normally have here, because I'm an innocent little girl who likes to say "stinking" more than any equivalent, but unlike Beyonce, I think you can handle it. P.S. That Team Rocket song is one of the greatest, EVER. I would know.

Hello. I am the actual writer of this blog’s cousin. Here’s a shameless plug to my YouTube channel:

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheVivvav

Go there. The latest video has me wearing a hat covered in palm trees swaying back and forth to music from Mother 3. And a panda mask I made back in 8^th grade. And a pigeon from Hell. It has to be seen to be believed.

And now for the actual guest blog.

My family moved shortly after the summer started. As I am now waiting to go to college (the current count is 31 days until I leave for it), I have nothing to do. We moved too late to sign up for any summer programs or to find a job. Because of this, I have been sitting my room, playing video games, watching movies, and watching anime. And by anime I mean One Piece, which I greatly enjoy.

I have also been thinking about things. Like Pokémon. It occurs to me that Kanghaskan is the only creature in the world that you can punch in the baby.

But I have been doing some things. When I’m not sitting in my apartment eating food or watching movies, I leave the apartment to pay 10 dollars for food and 12 dollars for movies. Or recently, to get a new driver’s license.

See, my family just moved from Pennsylvania to Virginia. That means we have to get rid of our old Pennsylvania driver’s licenses and get new Virginia licenses instead. So a couple weeks ago, my mother and I went to the DMV. To put it shortly, it was one of the stupidest days of my life. To put it longly (it’s a word if I say it’s a word, damn it), read the next two paragraphs.

We start by getting into my mom’s new car. The only thing I like about this car is the air conditioning. I hate everything else about the car, but mostly the navigational system. The navigational system seems to hold the belief that Grovedale Drive, the street on which the DMV is located, does not exist. And this is a brand new car. So we call my dad from the garage and have him Google Map us some directions. About halfway through writing down the complex directions, Dad goes, “Yeah, this is stupid and convoluted. Here’s the deal. Go here, here, and here, then there, and you’re good.” So we wrote down his directions instead of Google’s, because Google is more interested in joking that you should kayak over 2,000 miles across the Pacific Ocean to get to Hawaii (try getting directions to Honolulu from the continental USA on there) than actually coding an efficient navigational program.

Anyway, even with directions, Mom screws up. When driving, she missed the right turn onto Grovedale Drive. Then we make a U-turn, and she misses the LEFT turn onto Grovedale Drive. Third time proves to be the charm, and we continue forward. This is where it gets ridiculous. We get to the address, and see a building that looks exactly like the DMV back in Pennsylvania. Not even kidding. If you could clone buildings, and cloned the DMV building I took my driver’s license test at, that building would be the freakish non-genetic genetic copy. There are signs all over saying that the DMV is in the back, so we walk around the building a couple times and can’t find it. As far as I can tell, the only back entrance is a shabby white door that looks like it’s used for taking out garbage. We finally go inside and ask, and it turns out that the DMV is in the back of the parking lot, in a separate building hidden behind a grove of trees, that looks more like a bank from the outside. Anyway, we go in, wait in line for 10 minutes with a crying child behind us. Thankfully, the child was pacified after 2 minutes by a Baby Bottle Pop (I did not know they still made those, but I do recall them being the shit when I was 9 years old). But then we get to the front desk, and it turns out the computer systems are down, so we can’t get our new licenses anyway. The government successfully wasted our time.

A few days later, my dad and I try instead. We go the DMV in the morning, and there is a line out the door in 90+ degree weather (32+ if you believe in the limey hoodoo that is Celsius), so we get directions to a brand new DMV that allegedly has no people in it. We go there, and it turns out, it actually has no people in it. But then, AND HERE COMES THE WACKY PART, that DMV’s computer system is ALSO down! Dear Government: WHAT THE FUCK.

It’s been a couple weeks since, and today my mom and I went to the DMV again. The second we walked in the door, I asked the security guard, “Are the computers working?” He said “Yes”. There was much rejoicing between my mother and I. Two and a half hours later, we leave the DMV, and Mom has her new license. I repeat: Mom has her new license. Not me, just my mom. Turns out, Virginia, being the backwater inbred south and whatnot, does not trust teenage drivers, as several years ago a buttload of them caused driving accidents. You have to be NINETEEN UNGODLY YEARS OLD TO RECEIVE A DRIVER’S LICENSE IN THE STATE OF VIRGINIA. Never mind the fact that I AM ALREADY A LICENSED DRIVER. You think that’d be enough, but apparently, I now have to present proof that I had Driver’s Ed. And by that, I mean I have to have proof that I received 4 driving lessons from a dude named Jerry over the course of 5 months, because that’s all the driving education I needed because I don’t dick around while in control of a 2-ton hunk of metal going 40 miles an hour.

To end this on a happy note, I brought my DS to keep me busy during the wait at the DMV, and caught both an Arbok and a Weezing in the Safari Zone. Let’s celebrate this with the Team Rocket song, which, should you choose to listen to it, will be stuck in your head for the read of the day.

Oh shit, son. We gonna catch us a motherfuckin’ Pikachu.

Girl, Quit Playin'!

I wanted to post my Justin Bieber story today, but since it's still unfinished, I've decided to discuss something else Bieber-related:

I've called out "Baby" for its suckiness in the past. But I'll admit that I might have let bias seep through and shape my opinion when I said that. I stand by some things I said: the lyrics are mostly horrible, aside from my beloved Ludacris part and some other parts. And "One Time" definitely is A LOT better.

But "Baby" is, in fact, one of J. Bieb's best. Good job, Biebs!



"One Time" is a victim of major auto-tuning. Biebs' voice is masked by lots of computerized effects. SO NOT COOL. It does feature Biebs' only good piece of acting, but the rest of the video sees him acting like a poseur, basically; he throws gang signs and he says "SHAWTY I LOOOVE YOU" as if he's been cruising in the ATL since Day One. The video glamorizes the Bieber that Usher created, the one that is wholly American. While the song is flippin' sweet as they say in the Land of the Mormons, AKA Utah, the video has some problems. But it does have a lot of hilarious moments where you can really tell that my friend here is a little boy whose just having a megaton of fun (and BOOM goes the dynamite) making a video. And that's what I like. The chorus, too. I love that chorus. LEMME TELL YOU ONE TIME

But the video of "Baby." There's just something there that makes me happy.



Let's analyze "Baby" because we're awesome and have nothing better to do. "Baby" is wholly post-Bieber (I was going to say "Biebian" but we all know that a Biebian is a lesbian that looks like Justin Bieber) - this Bieber already has the girls. He doesn't need to convince them that he loves, that he loves them, because they already know, and they love him, too. And J. says that outright: "I KNOW YOU LUV MEH, I KNOW YOU CAYAH." This seems like it's almost a continuation of "One Time," as if he's singing to that girl as he's talking about how he loves her too and he'll "be theeeyah."

But then things get pretty whack, yo. So whack, in fact, that they almost ruin the song for me. I don't think Biebs' girlfriend understands that when you tell a teenage boy you love him, he thinks that you, um, LOVE HIM. He thinks that you are in a RELATIONSHIP with him. Believe me, I've tried to explain this to her. Girl just don't listen! (Wow, what happened to my grammar?) This girl's ruins Biebs' life (oh god, I almost said "urinates!") as he sings, "Are we an item? Girl, quit playin'! We're just friends, what are you sayin'?" UM. WHAT. Excuse you, Justin Bieber's girlfriend? Do you even understand what you just said?! You spent the first 28 seconds of the video flirting with the guy and telling him you love him and now you're telling him to QUIT PLAYIN' BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS?! WHAT ARE YOU SAYIN'?

Yes, my Paint skills are mediocre.

But even with that major oversight in logic, the video only makes me sort of want to punch everyone. After Bieber is told by the preteen girl who loves him and will never ever be loved by anyone else ever again, she dumps him. Smart girl! But then Biebs whines one of the funniest parts of  the song, "My first love broke my heart for the first time and I was like, 'Baby, baby, baby, OOOH.'" Yes, Biebs. When your heart gets broken by the girl you loved despite her telling you that you weren't even dating, the sensible thing to do is start shaking your fists at the sky and singing, "BABY, OOOH." THAT MAKES COMPLETE AND TOTAL SENSE. WOW. I LOVE YOU. Oh wait, I better not say that because unless I want you to "be like, 'Baby, baby, oooh'" all over again.

The chorus is the worst part of the song. It really is. It's repetitive. It's non-sensical. It's illogical. HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE YOURS WHEN YOU WEREN'T EVEN DATING YOU CHIPMUNKY CANADIAN FOOL? Ugh. (Side note: Crud, I just noticed Drake [AKA Aubrey Graham from Degrassi for those of you in the knooooow] is in this video. Weird.)

But the video itself actually gets totally awesome after the first chorus. The "down, down, down" part of the song is so excellent I can't help but grin like an ugly Brit. J Biebs' dancing to get his girl back is awesome. HE ROLLS OVER A POOL TABLE AND IT'S SO GRAND. His intent to get his baby back is so strong and persuasive that he inspires people to start breakdancing in the bowling alley. It's pretty much official: Justin Bieber is the reincarnation of a Greek god. Maybe even Zeus. He is so powerful that he can get people to dance at his every whim. 

A staple of the best Bieber videos is the scenes where he dances in front of a wall by himself (or, in this video's case, with Ludacris). These are always the best scenes. In "Baby" Bieber just does all of his best, or weirdest, dance moves. He does a Michael Jackson-esque tiptoe as well as something Moonwalk-inspired. He does this cool Electric Slide-type thing. He shakes himself, which is hilarious. He pounds his chest a lot. Justin B. really is a pretty good dancer. He's also a really strange kid. Evidence, here: 

Sorry the .gif is so choppy. But I think you get the point. Soon enough the girl, who actually looks a lot older than Justin Bieber in a bad way, starts to see the error of her ways. You can tell that she's thinking in her head, "Wow. I'm a total jerk." She was being a jerk to him, y'know. And it's not just me being biased against her because he's my friend. She ignored him and pushed him around. MEANIE. But as Justin Bieber breaks out into a spontaneous choreographed dance in the middle of the stinking bowling lane, that girl realizes that this guy is going to make a ton of money. They'll probably make a movie about him! Maybe she could be in it. Maybe she could meet Usher! How cool would that be?

But she still isn't so sure that she should go back to him. This becomes clear to Justin Bieber's producers, so with a cry of "LUDA!" Ludacris appears in front of Justin's wall. It's all over now. This is Ludacris, people. No one can turn down Ludacris even if they tried. Not only that but Luda wants to make his young protege Bieber feel better. If Biebs is Zeus then Ludacris is Kronos, waiting to be overthrown by his son, but not before they release a music video together! His rap is my single favorite part of the song. I actually sing it constantly. "When I was firteen, I had mah first luv; there was nobody that could compare to my baby, no one could ever come between us, no one could evah come above!" In the video you mostly just see Ludacris and Bieber goofing off in-between shots of Biebs mugging for the camera and just looking generally Woodland creature-like. Bieber mocking Ludacris and then being strangled by him is pretty adorable. (Wait. What?) 

Ludacris tells Bieber he went through the heartbreak, too, but he just keeps on saying...you think he's going to give some major words of inspiration, but no: he says, "BABY BABY BABY OOOH." Luda. I don't think you get it, Luda. BIEBER HAS BEEN SAYING "BABY OOH" THIS ENTIRE TIME. YOU REALLY ARE NOT HELPING HIM. AT ALL. That whole rap, for naught! For naught, Ludacris! Bieber just goes back to his old gig of dancing awesomely and in sync with people much older than him in the hopes that this will entice his baby to come back to him. But if his not-girlfriend is anything like me, then she should've flown the coup by now. However, this IS a Bieber video, so she probably can't find a door, anyway. Lost and hopeless, she begins to dance across from Bieber like a minion of his little Dancing Army. It's girls vs. boys now. Why the girls are siding with this chick, I don't know, but that's how it is. That's how Bieber wanted it.

The girl smiles and Bieber breaks away from his bro pack to have flirting time with the girl in the middle of the bowling alley. This Bieber kid really doesn't have any problems with PDA, huh? I WOULD KNOW. BELIEVE ME. Soon enough Bieber starts saying, "And I'm all gone," which leads someone who isn't actually watching the video to believe he's committed suicide or something, because never in the song does he say anything other than "BABY NOOO" to indicate that she has come back to him. If I was listening to this on the radio, I would be shocked to hear him saying this, to hear him just abruptly allude to his disappearance...disappearance from this EARTH. Obviously in the video this is not the case. In the video it really just means, "Yo, peace, I be outtie wif mah fly honey." (Side note: she is not very fly at all. A catty girl's opinion.) But if we want to get really insane with this, which we certainly do, then we can say that maybe Bieber killed himself from loneliness and then only got together with his girl in the afterlife. Those shots in that Vegas-looking area would represent the dead Bieber. They descend the escalator and into the light together.

Dang. I'm messed up.

I hope that satiates your Bieber needs until I finish my story. It's weird, because I'm not a fan of him or anything. I mean, we're just friends and all. But he's just such a funny character to me. I think it's because he's the chipmunkiest pop star since Jesse McCartney.

Sticking To That Creepy Guy's Guns

Last week when I was at the library (the very same library from which I borrowed A Gate to the Stairs and Brick, along with Bonnie and Clyde and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; hope I get around to watching those before they're due) I used the schwanky computer lab to look up books. In front of me was this very large, old guy with a gigantic tattoo on his leg. Guess what he was doing? He was researching guns. Handguns, pistols, rifles. Not only was he looking for pictures and information about them, he was also looking at places to buy them from. Needless to say, I was thoroughly creeped out.

If you're wondering what that preface has to do with anything, well, truth is, it doesn't. I just have virtually nothing to say. Life is  pretty dull around these parts. I did manage to convince my cat to sleep on my bed, though. It's adorable. HE'S SO WARM AND ADORABLE OH EM GEE.

The most noteworthy thing I've done so far is think a lot about Digimon. This happens periodically. That's what you get when you stay indoors your whole life! Someone started a thread on NeoGAF about that horrible game that I hated on the PS1, Digimon World. I rented that game once from Blockbuster and it was just so confusing. Also, we didn't have a PS1 memory card so we always had to start all stinking' over. I hated that. If you read the thread you'll hear them griping about how their Agumons digivolved into Poomon. That was because the game was idiotic and you couldn't digivolve into the Digimon you were SUPPOSED to. I mean, who does that? Bandai liked to torture children, apparently. Awful.

Anyway, it got me thinking - man, how awesome would it be if they had a JRPG where you played as Takato and it was basically just the entire plot of Tamers (the 3rd season)? That would be an EXCELLENT game. Tamers was one of the best anime that I've ever seen (I've come to consider the different seasons like different series; same with Pokemon, but let's not talk about that right now). I need to get it on DVD. Too bad it's so darn expensive because it was only released in limited edition sets.

This is going slightly off-topic, but it always makes me sad when people say, "LOL HEY REMEMBER WHEN WE LIKED DIGIMON?! YEAH THAT SHOW WAS AWESOME LAWL WELL WHATEVAH BACK TO JERSEY SHORE." Why can't you -still- like Digimon? I mean, you're not actively watching it anymore, but still. It hasn't changed. It also bothers me when people say the opposite and are like, "UGH YOU LIKE DIGIMON? THAT SHOW WAS FER LOSERS MAN WTF GROW UP BRB BUYING KEGGER FOR RAGING KEG PARTY ANOCHE BRUH." Maybe I'm just a misanthrope (okay, not "maybe") and maybe I just don't want to grow up, but Digimon and Pokemon and even stinking Sailor Moon are better than the majority of the things people my age like to do in their spare time.

I like to say that we spend the majority of our lives as adults, so why should we grow up NOW? And why do we have to devolve (IMO) from liking completely fine, normal things like Mario Party 4 to driving around to some coffee shop while blasting whatever awful music they're playing on Z100, then stopping by LuAnn Herschfeld's "awesome" party where no one can even hear each other over the underage drunkards playing Beer Pong and the girls grinding and the music blaring? This is slightly more descriptive than necessary, isn't it?

I understand that people change, but maybe I don't want to accept that. Maybe I don't want to move on from liking to rant about how bad Digimon World was on the PS1 and maybe I don't want to stop hyping the latest Pokemon games. But the alternatives aren't any better, anyway. Perhaps there isn't anything even wrong with liking to talk about Pokemon and Digimon. Maybe I shouldn't feel so stupid and "immature" for talking about Pokemon and Digimon OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN in these last gigantic paragraphs.

Why do we have to grow up? And why does growing up have to mean THIS? That may be an extreme case, but then again, is it? It's something to think about.

What to expect for tomorrow: me struggling yet again to post something. Or maybe not.

P.S. I was totally about to start ranting about my hatred of Taylor Momsen but I think that's enough for today.

Work Of Art #1.4 Review

I've been trying to write a review for this for awhile, but I just...couldn't. But today I'm going to try. This post will probably be really stupid, full of "It was stinking hilarious", and poorly written. Just giving you some warning.

Oh, and before I get into things, please follow my tumblr if you have one. If you don't have one, then just disregard this part. It was supposed to supplement this blog, somehow, but I'm not really sure how so it kind of isn't.

WORK OF ART #1.4 "A Shock to the System"

While last week's challenge was incredibly commercial and "safe," yesterday's episode was all about shocking the viewer. That being said, while this challenge was probably more interesting and was better for showcasing the artists' talents than last week's, trying to shock is overrated and pretty hard to do well, which led to this episode, much like last week's, featuring the artists flailing their arms and freaking out a lot. (Look at all of those F's!)

However, one person who kept his cool amidst the rest of the gang's misguided attempts to shock was my favorite brohan, Miles. Miles is, without exaggeration, one of the greatest reality show "characters" I've ever seen. Every week Miles speaks in the same deadpan/mildly sarcastic tone in his talking heads and says something completely awesome. This week, he talked about how the first time he got turned on, which was while watching Ursula The Little Mermaid. Yes, this was actually completely relevant to the rest of the episode. Basically, this was Miles: "maaaan dat fish was dayum fine." Um, except more deadpan, obviously. And then he asked his mom what was "happening to his body." Oh, Miles.

Miles constantly mugs for the camera in his big glasses and rolled up jeans and it's just great. Did I mention that he relies on the old standby "I have OCD" as an excuse for everything and has an affinity for sleeping at the oddest of times and in the oddest of places? It's pretty obvious that Miles is going to come out on, or near, the top because he's the strongest personality; not only that, but he also has the best portfolio. I really liked his genital-laden, male bodily fluid-stained Mickey Mouse (now THAT'S something you don't hear someone say every day); while it wasn't that shocking, well, none of the pieces were, honestly, so grading on artistic merit his really was the best. But, of course, I'm kind of biased.

Miles: "Excuse me while I jack off on my painting and then take a nap on it, kthx"

Some of the other "characters" got some fun showtime today. Whenever I see Ryan, I wonder why we don't see more of him. He seems like a cool guy, if a little full of himself (there have been SO MANY pieces that have Ryan in them so far). This time we got to see some Ryan action as we watched him make an idiot out of himself in an attempt to be shocking. It' so weird, because Ryan, like Erik who is probably one of his best buddies, has this sorta dynamic personality (I mean, relatively speaking I guess) and I don't constantly forget about him, like Mark and Peregrine, but at the same time I don't really see him going far. He is talented; his picture was good, albeit not very shocking and boringly self-centered yet again. It's just that he seems more like the male model who is there for the artists to use as opposed to being an artist himself. [/Ryan rant]

Someone who actually got a lot of screen time (as opposed to Ryan, whose "some Ryan action" really amounted to about 5 minutes of screen time) was Jaclyn. Jackie is the obligatory "Little Miss Hottie" who's there for the audience to ogle and for the judges to make awkward comments about. I enjoyed watching them look at her piece, which looked like pictures someone would take with their cell phone to send to their boyfriend Jaden or whatever who would later show those pictures that were supposed to be "so special" to all of his friends, including that sleezy dude that everyone calls Boner who would then email the pictures to every single person in school. The judges seemed to derive a bit too much pleasure from the piece. You knew this was true when they put her in the Top 2 with Abdi, another favorite to win. While Jackie didn't end up winning, she does get to stay to prance around nude for at least one more episode.

I have a love-hate relationship with Erik. On the one hand, he's "really stinking hilarious." On the other hand, he's also kind of a jerk and the art he's done so far really sucks. They always show "ERIK JOHNSON'S PREVIOUS WORK LOOK AT IT PEOPLE HERE IT IS WE'RE ONLY SHOWING IT FOR A  FEW SECONDS BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE OKAY IT'S GONE NOW BRAVOTV.COM THANKS" and it always looks really good, but then the crud he produces on the show is just, well, crud. I wonder if it's because he doesn't work well under pressure? I don't know. His "shocking" picture was of Ryan (of course) and Jackie's feet, symbolizing, um, priests molesting little boys. Uh. Uh? Let's stop talking about it, because it's just...erm. Since Jackie is very whiny, she started screaming at people to give her ideas, and Erik did, saying she should have people write all over her pictures. She used this idea and the judges loved it. Erik did not love it when she passed this idea off as her own. That makes sense, of course he'd be mad, but it really made him unlikable in that moment. Jackie, too, but she's always unlikable. I really just wanted Erik to go home. 

(Did I mention that the guest judge this week was famous shock artist Andreas Serrano? I know, you don't care.)

Can I just say that Peregrine cracked me up so many times in this episode? First you see her just standing around nonchalantly in her metallic bunny hood, and then, while wearing that same insane outfit, she has the gall to call Nao "really crazy" (I mean, which she is, but c'mon). Her painting was of fashion models with STDs, and one of them was basically just China Chow. It was called "Syphilis for Prada and Herpes for Chanel." That was basically my favorite non-Miles moment of the episode because during the gallery show China, when looking at the painting, was like, "There's my Chanel collar! And there's my dress! I don't have STDs this is so not cool gaiz D':" China's been completely useless as a host so far. She's no Heidi Klum or Padma Lakshmi (who is actually a really excellent host; thank you, Bravo, for putting Top Chef on right before Work of Art), but I felt like she actually had a personality in this episode, at least. That was nice to see.

The other judges range from annoying to hilariously dumb. Jerry Saltz is the prime suspect in irritating-ness; I'm sure he's the most qualified member of the panel but he really bugs me. I love New York mag but I guess I always skipped the Art section for a reason. Read his recap of the episode to get a sense of how obnoxious he is. The hilariously dumb judge is Jeanne Greenberg Rohatyn, who is barely qualified to even brush her own hair, let alone be in charge of the fate of the people on this show. Jeanne just never has anything of use to say. While Andreas Serrano was standing up for one of the artists that she was dissing, she just gave him this look like, "Uh, are you kidding me right now? How can you NOT agree with me?!" It was incredibly obnoxious and idiotic.

The Tim Gunn character is Simon de Pury, who seems like one of the nicest, friendliest people who has ever existed. While in earlier episodes he seemed more like an observer than a mentor, this time he dispensed important advice and also regaled the artists with his lovely sense of humor. (One of my favorite parts of the show so far has to be, from last week's episode, when Simon tells a joke about a Dr. Zhivago-reading dog. Simon, be my grandfather or something, please!) I think Simon should be a judge, because he seems more cultured, intelligent, and interesting than any of the people who are actually getting paid to give their weak criticisms.

In a horrible segue, not only were the artists trying to be shocking, but the producers were, too, apparently. To be subversive or something, they went with an American Idol-style approach and said that they were going to eliminate TWO people this week. Yeah, I just put "American Idol" in the same sentence as "subversive." That should tell you what I thought of this choice.

The bottom four were Erik, Nao (the "internationally renowned performance artist," she was shaping up to be "The Villain" in the beginning but just faded away), Jamie Lynn (the "Nice Christian Girl"), and John, who was one of my absolute favorites. He won last week's Book Cover challenge and was just generally sweet and huggable. Oh, and, yeah, he was a good artist, too. This week he made a picture of a dude performing "auto-fellatio." I don't want to explain what that means to you, but I also don't want you to see the picture. Hopefully you know enough to know what that means on your own, because it's really disgusting. Unfortunately, the judges found John's picture safe and uninteresting. They told John that they would have preferred a photo of him actually doing the act, which is completely disgusting and weird to say to someone with a straight face. John looked insanely uncomfortable, and I don't blame him.

Nao was put down for doing thoughtless performance art, which was true, but I found it pretty unsettling. So did Andreas Serrano, who, while not shocked, claimed to be disturbed. This view was undermined by the other judges. Idiots. Jamie Lynn drew a parody of the Last Supper that was not shocking at all. The premise was that "We're making Jesus look bad! I'm going to draw a picture that shows you guys that you're making Jesus look bad with all your debauchery! JESUS CHRIST IS SO WONDERFUL!" Oh-kay, Crazy Lynn. The judges called it "Apostles Gone Wild," and aptly-so, but this "Gone Wild" stuff has become so ingrained in our culture that it's pretty much commonplace. As said in this fine review of the episode, "Presented to a panel that includes a man who dumps crucifixes into vats of urine, this 'outrage' directed at religion was benign if not wholly pleasant." It truly was awful.

In the end, the judges kicked off John and Nao, which was completely idiotic. While Jerry Saltz seems to indicate otherwise in his review, I think that the producers wanted to go for shocking in as many aspects as possible. John said that he was "went from winning a challenge one week to being sent home the next [which] is extremely baffling," and I agree. It was stupid. And Nao's might have been meaningless, but I'd be pretty shocked if I saw someone covered in feces that they rubbing on their crotch, and I doubt that'd have a point, either. Erik has been either awful or mediocre for the last four challenges, and Jamie Lynn's was outstandingly bad. Sending home Nao and my beloved JOHN was stupid beyond belief.

It may seem like I have a lot of criticisms, but I'm a hater. That's what we do. I actually really liked this episode, but I don't think I liked it as much as last week's. Next week there's supposed to be some Miles x Nicole (who I haven't mentioned even once, have I?) stuff, which means that there will be lots and lots of Miles, which makes me an excited little girl.

I'll give this episode 3 and a half Little-Mermaid-lovin' Miles out of 5.

Check out the "works of art" here.

E3 2010 Day 1: Microsoft and a Little Bit of EA

So, whoops. I thought E3 started tomorrow! Guess how shocked I was when I came home today to find that Microsoft had just started their media briefing (answer: I was screaming)!

For what may be the first time ever, Microsoft's conference was shown live on TV exclusively on Spike. Surprise #2 of the day. GameTrailers TV/Gametrailers.com must have won exclusive coverage of it (although I checked G4 after and their Pre-EA conference show was all about Microsoft's briefing, so). It was strange.

Let's get to the actual conference, though!

Microsoft Media Briefing: June 14th, 2010, 10:30 AM Pacific.

The big M took the majority of their hour-and-a-half-long conference to showcase their new Minority Report-esque peripheral, Kinect (formerly known as Project Natal to us cool kids who have been following it since last year). The Kinect is...I'm not sure what to call it, really. It's not a controller, please make that distinction. If you don't, Microsoft will send someone to your house to set you straight. Painfully. Kinect allows you to control your games and the XBox interface with your body and your hands. It's basically this little camera thing that tracks you and your movements 1:1 with the game/menus.

The Kinect. Coming November 4th, 2010.

Microsoft wanted us to really get that, yes, your body is the controller, guys! It's totally cool because you can't lose it in the dark and you can move things WITH YOUR HANDS. You're totally in the game, guys! Totally! Except, Microsoft, you're no more in the stinking game with this stupid, poorly named camera than you are with a camera. God darnit.

I mean, I guess some of the Kinect games were sort of cool. Kinectimals (WHAT A HORRIBLE NAME THOUGH UGH) was pretty adorable. It was actually pretty hilarious, because there was literally no segue whatsoever into the demo. You just saw this little girl (Asian, like a LOT of the demo-ing people. Actually, almost all of them were minorities. I felt like it was to clear up that rumor from last year started by N'Gai Croal that it couldn't recognize black people) walk up to the screen and just start saying, "SKITTLES! YO, SKITTLES! WHERE YOU AT, BOY?" ...Okay, she didn't say that, but that would have been the bomb. She just started taking to her pet TIGER, SKITTLES. Because that makes more sense. This went on for a long stinking time. But it was cuter than my very cute pants, so it's okay.

Another cool Kinect game was one by Harmonix, a poorly-named dance game called Dance Central. Personally, I think the game will either flop or be the best-selling game for this stupid camera thing. You do these insane dance moves to these classic songs (one of which is Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison," which was demoed by a Japanese woman so wonderfully; THAT GIRL IS POI-SOOON) - you ACTUALLY do them. The thing is, though, I find it impossible for someone like me, for example, or my bro Matt Damon, to be able to play this game at all without failing out immediately. Regardless, it's a cool concept.

Some other funny Kinect-related moments: my much-maligned Kudo Tsunoda came on stage and acted pretentious, per-usual. He was dealt massive damage when one of the greatest people who has ever lived came on stage to demo the dreadful Kinect Adventures game called him Lorenzo Lamas in a great deadpan voice. Sheer hilarity. He also then referred to his "BFF Oscar." It was fantastic. 

Let's see...what else? That was pretty much it on the Kinect front. There was a cool Star Wars trailer, but that was about it after the other stuff. There were lots of other games shown, but none of them seemed to have much potential or appeal to a more "hardcore" audience. It was pretty disappointing. Not that I was expecting much, anyway. Kind of a 360 hater here.

The rest of the conference was dedicated to letting us watch other people play the games that WE want to play, which was boring and unfair. Plus, the majority of the games (save for one by Crytek, whom I do not care for one bit) were ones we had already known about, which was a completely snooze. The one cool part, for me, was the gameplay footage from Metal Gear Solid: Rising, the ONLY Japanese game in the whole lot. I'm not very interesting in the MGS series, but I do find it quite interesting. Also, Rising did look fun in a completely grotesque way. It's much more blatantly action-y than the other games, and I think a lot of people will get excited for it. Dude, Raiden's power is CUTTING PEOPLE IN HALF. If I wasn't so squeamish I would want that game something awful.

The last part of the briefing was the absolute WORST. They announced one of the worst-kept secrets of the show to be real, the new model of the 360, affectionately (?) dubbed the Slim. It's incredibly ugly.

LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT ITS UGLINESS. P.S. Thanks for the pic, Kotaku, love ya, xoxo

And you know what they decided to do, those stupid rich jerkfaces, right after they announced that this baby was coming out on Friday? THEY DECIDED TO GIVE ONE TO EVERY SINGLE STUPID PERSON IN THE STINKING AUDIENCE. What a gip. A TON of people are mad about that on the Internet. Seriously, that is not cool. People gave our guy a standing ovation after that, but who wouldn't? It was still lame.

So, that was basically it. All-in-all, it was an incredibly boring press conference. I was still glued to my seat, of course, but it was kind of a disappointing start. People have already made comparisons to the two worst conferences of recent history: Nintendo '08 and Sony '06. While I'm not sure this was THAT bad, it surely wasn't much better. Hopefully Nintendo and Sony will clean Microsoft up tomorrow.

The EA conference came on later, shown live on G4 where it rightfully belongs. While it's not one of the Big Three, it may still be worth discussing briefly.

EA Press Conference: June 14th, 2010, 2:00 PM Pacific. 

Quick highlights:  

• Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit did actually have a very cool trailer. I actually really like the concept, even though at first it just seemed like the most stupidly dramatic racing game ever.

• The Sims 3 for consoles had a presentation that waxed philosophical (am I using that correctly?) very weirdly. He started blabbering on and on about life and death. Strange. But the game looks cool. I want it. The Kris Allen song in the trailer was...strange, though, to say the least. 

• I enjoyed the enthusiasm of the audience during the Dead Space 2 and Medal of Honor segments. 

• 3D Crysis 2 would have been cool if 1. I cared about Crysis 2 and 2. I could see the evidence of it being 3D on my TV. Oh, but it was funny when the background character kept screaming "STOP! SHE'S RIGHT HERE! WAIT!! STOP!!" Haha.  

•  Not from the show itself but on Kotaku's liveblog, Mike Fahey called Cliffy B (Cliff Blezinski for you common folk) Clifford the Big Red Dog, hahaha. 

• That Star Wars: The Old Republic trailer was pretty intense. Not that interested in the game. 

So, that was about it. Today was not that great; I'm more looking forward to tomorrow, where both Nintendo and Sony will have their conferences. Really excited for those -- they're supposed to be promising. VERY promising INDEED. I'll make sure to give you the recap manana. Ta-ta!  

ETA: URGH, Ubisoft is having a conference at 5:00 Pacific, but I don't think I'm going to cover it. I'll give you any major news tomorrow. (Stupid, stupid finals to study for.) 

Relevant Things Going On in My Life Right Now #1

(Relevant meaning to this blog.)

HELLO :) I'm watching MTV's Return to Fat Camp. I live for the Fat Camp series. It's definitely one of my favorite guilty pleasures.

I could write a whole entry on it, but I've devoted enough space to MTV lately. So instead, I'm going to talk about the pop culture-y things I've been thinking about in my otherwise incessantly dull day! This may or may not become a more frequent thing! SO PREPARE.

• Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber: It is exactly as its name implies. AND IT IS AWESOME. Some of these "Biebians" as the creepy Justin Bieber-lookalike who maintains it calls them looks so much like (male) Justin Bieber it is frightening and amazing. It's interspersed with actual Justin Bieber pics. A lot of the time I see them (BECAUSE I SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON HERE OKAY) and think, "Whoa, that lesbian looks EXACTLY like Justin Bieber!" but then I realize that it IS Justin Bieber. He is pretty girly, though, so it's probs a common mistake.

• Tuesday's episode of Glee: So, remember that it was kind of a make or break it for me? Well, it was pretty good. Neil Patrick Harris was, obviously, awesome. I laughed, bro. I laughed out loud. Kids these days would just be like "lol gleeee <33" to their friends on Facebook, son, without laughing for real, but me? I ACTUALLY LAUGHED. The episode was called "Dream On" so, um, here's the eponymous song (which I don't really like when NPH and Matty Morrison aren't rocking out to it). NPH is scary in it (ETA: clip fix'd): 

• Reruns of The Office on TBS: Tomorrow I plan on doing my FIRST EVAH TV reviews on this here blog. That means there's a 50-50 chance of me actually doing them! And if I do, you may find out about my tumultuous relationship with The Office. Here it is in a nutshell, though: There are only two amazing seasons of the show. One other season is very good. The other three are horrible. So horrible, in fact, that I tell people I have a tumultuous relationship with the show. It's that meaningful to me. Okay? Okay. Yesterday I watched reruns of two excellent Season 3 episodes (Season 3 is the "very good" season, by the way), and it made me sad that the show is so BAD now. They were "The Return" and "Ben Franklin." I stinking love those episodes. Those episodes alone warranted my Season 3 DVD purchase (that and my dream of becoming an Office historian). 

• LittleBigPlanet 2: I'm insanely excited for it. Me and my homie G slice Laur-Laur tear LBP 1 UP. And, I mean, I've known about the sequel for awhile. Come on, I read video game news everyday. But I just read that it'll feature custom voice acting, which is a cool (albeit frightening) proposition. I'm going to definitely put really disturbing voices in my RPG (because you can make RPGs and other types of games in the sequel, too :D).  

• Elliott Smith: He's dead. :( I mean, he's been dead for almost 10 years now. But I was listening to "The Biggest Lie," "Needle in the Hay," and "The White Lady Loves You More" today and bro, it made me sad. People like Conor Oberst (who I do like) try to emulate his style, but there's no one alive who's better. Download: "The Biggest Lie", "The White Lady Loves You More"

• Rotten Tomatoes ranks SNL movies: Obviously, most of them are horrible. I've seen Coneheads, Superstar, Wayne's World, and Wayne's World 2. Didn't like any of them. And isn't it funny that Al Franken starred in Stuart Saves His Family? And that It's Pat! even exists?

Yeah, that's about it. And now, I'm going to return to Fat Camp! Get it?! YES!

Things That Are Excrutiating

(That is probably not the best title for a blog that you are trying to get people to read, but, um, oh well?)

So. Hi. How are you? Yeah, okay, I don't care that much.

Let's talk about dubs. But first, a preface. I like a lot of things (hence the relative lack of focus in this blog), but two things I really like are video games and anime. YES. VIDEO GAMES AND ANIME. This may seem weird to you, but really, it isn't. I grew up during the height of the "anime with video game tie-ins" craze. People in the 80s had the anime "secretly" selling toys one, and we 90s kids had the anime secretly selling video games, toys, and, um, school buses one.

A lot of fellow video game and anime fans, albeit much more grotesque and irritating ones (yes, there are indeed people more irritating than me!), whine about English dubs. Dubs are, of course, dubbing or translating from one language into another, and since most anime and video games (at least, video games that whiny anime fans play) are Japanese, they have to be dubbed into English. A lot of these fans think that the Japanese or original dub is "lyke sooooo much better desu." Personally, I like a lot of English dubs, or at least tolerate them. But the following examples would probably sound better in their original language.

ANIME THAT SOUND LIKE PEOPLE TRYING TO DIE

One Piece is really popular in Japan. It's one of the top 3 most popular anime, in fact. It never reached that same success here in America.

This is why.

Oh. Oh, dear. That...that isn't good, is it? No. Not at all. One Piece is one of the many anime that is well-liked in its original language by weeaboo masses that was mutilated by 4Kids entertainment. Chances are, if you've ever seen an anime on TV, it was dubbed by 4Kids, and that's exactly why you hate it.

I don't care about the show in the first place, though, so it's dub is more funny to me than anything else. That doesn't mean it's not horrible, though!

Cardcaptor Sakura, on the other hand, is actually a completely awesome manga, and the anime in its original language is also ah-mazin'. However, those darn Canadians decided to turn it into a pile of worthless junk. They called it Cardcaptors. 

You probably have no idea what's going on here. I could try to explain it to you but you'd probably start laughing at me the second I said "ten year old girl," so I won't bother. All you really need to know is that this dub is horrible, but I think you and your bleeding ears get that.

There's even a whole series on YouTube dedicated to bad anime dubs! Here's one example.

Cyborg 009! Bro, I totally watched that show on Toonami back in the day! It wasn't this dub, though; thankfully, they redubbed it to make it more tolerable. But if I was 8 in 1988 and not 2001 and was watching this dub instead, I probably would be in a psych ward by now. Well, maybe not.

OMG BONUS TAIMU DESU! That's what I would say if I looked like this. But I don't, so I'm just going to show you this bonus clip without introduction. (Although it's from that 4Kids dub of One Piece. That's all.)

VIDEO GAMES THAT SOUND SIMILAR TO A VERY ILL MAN'S PUKING

I'm going to get this one out of the way first. I love Final Fantasy X. I love it so, so, so much. I played it for ~20 hours in one week, and I never do that (with any game that doesn't start with "Pokemon," anyway). It is so good that I want to go play it right now!

The one bad thing about it? This scene.

I think I like how the user called Tidus "Baboon" the most about this video. Tidus is kind of an idiot, but I still like him. Um, except for in this horrible little piece of programming. Bleh.

Chaos Wars had no chance. Sure, it actually got some surprisingly decent reviews, but it was yet another faceless tactical RPG in a sea of already extremely niche PS2 TRPGs. Its dub really doesn't help, as it might very well be the worst I've ever heard (apparently it was done by some guy who worked at the publishing company's relatives!).

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE CAN BE THIS BAD AT VOICE ACTING. And why does Uru sound so stereotypically gay?! "I don't really want yo' twisted love. I really don't." I MEAN, WHAT? Seriously. HORRIBLE.

Oh, wait, did I say Chaos Wars has the worst dub ever? I was wrong. This "game" does.

I could try to tell you why this is so bad, but it would either take me years or I would start frothing at the mouth in mere seconds due to my even speaking the name of this abomination. And this clip isn't even the worst of them! Any idiot who paid money for this adventure in wasting time is a sad, sad person and probably will never touch a video game ever again, which is too bad really.

I mean, technically, this isn't a dub in the same way that FFX and Chaos Wars are, but I think it's worth posting for its sheer mediocrity. Besides, the first time I saw it I thought they were dubbing it from some European language.

I'm sorry that I hurt your ears, but if it's any consolation, mine hurt even more -- I had to find these clips AND watch them all the way through AND I watched other clips in between. If you'll excuse me, there's a nice Vicodin with my name on it. (Not really! But there is a little stuffed Pikachu I can rest my head on. Good night.)

P.S. Please, remember that not all English dubs are bad. As I said before, I actually like a lot of them. But sometimes they really are undeniably horrible.

Saturday Night Live, You Ignorant Slut

It's Saturday night. What are you doing? One of three things, probably: sleeping, partying, or playing Pokemon SoulSilver. Last night, I was doing the latter. But eventually, after playing Pokemon for going on four hours, you think it's time to do something else. So what do you do then?

If you hate yourself, you watch Saturday Night Live.

"That's harsh, Allegra." Girl, please. PLEASE. If you think I'm being a bit over dramatic, then you obviously have not seen Saturday Night Live in the last eight years.

Here's last night's monologue for your convenience.

It's horrible, isn't it? The random appearances of all of those annoying characters was met with relative disinterest by the audience, except for Andy Samberg's Dick in a Box guy. People love the "Dick in a Box" sketch. And you know why? Because it wasn't LIVE.

I think there's something inherently wrong and pathetic about a show that purports itself as the best live comedy hour on television whose best sketches are, well, NOT LIVE. I mean, the show is live for a reason.

So why is all of the live content so bad? Why does it pale in comparison to the pre-taped content? I think it's because of the writing. The writing is just so weak these days. I like Seth Meyers; I think he's a cool, albeit weasel-faced, bro, but he just has not been a successful head writer, at all. Another reason could be that these actors just aren't such great live performers. It seems like all of the performers had some previous experience with it before joining the show, though, so I'm not so sure that's the reason. However, compared to previous casts, this one was much less experienced with improv, with only 1 member coming from Second City, another coming from the Groundlings, and then a few others being in lesser-known improv groups. (Oh, wait, but it doesn't even matter if they can do improv, since Stupid Lorne Michaels doesn't even let them improv! Stupid Lorne Michaels.)

Regardless of their prior experience with live performing, the current cast is actually undeniably funny, even though they try very, very, very hard not to be funny at all on the show (and succeed). Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis, and Andy Samberg are especially funny -- just not on the show. Andy Samberg is especially horrible on the show, unless he's doing one of his digital shorts. Those digital shorts are always, without exaggeration, the best parts of the show when they're on. Obviously, Andy Samberg's forte (get it? Because Will Forte is also a cast member? Tee-hee? Funny?) is writing his own material and then performing it in front of a camera, and not an audience.

Even feral cats like Andy Samberg!

That leopard is obviously only a fan of his Lonely Island/film work. (Erm, minus Hot Rod. Gross.)

It just bothers me every time I see the show that this awesome cast goes to waste because the writing is awful beyond belief. It's kind of sad, but I would be happy if the show was killed off. I think that it would give these actors the chance to do some better work that they can actually be successful in. They get the chance to film movies and such and such and such, but wouldn't it be cool if Bill Hader starred in his own TV show? Or if Kristen Wiig got the chance to really become the next top female comedienne?

Which brings up another point: everyone ranted and raved over the lackluster Tina Fey episode. Why? Because Tina Fey was there, and she was in the majority of the sketches, and anything with her, no matter how poor it is, is better than anything that they show these days without her. That episode was so hyped because the show has been so bad without her -- and personally, I didn't even find it all that great when she WAS on it! It's just so much more preferable to what we have now. Maybe it's because she's a writer first, and a good writer. Seth Meyers might be both a writer and a performer, but he's lackluster at both of those. I thought Tina Fey kind of sucked on Saturday Night Live, but if you watch even one episode of 30 Rock, you know how talented she really is. I think Andy Samberg would be successful if he was given the same kind of venue (not just with The Lonely Island).

So, in sum: the Saturday Night Live of today is horrible. It is a barren wasteland where talented performers go to make money that, based on the work they perform on the show, they don't really deserve, and where writers who may or may not be good go to become worse. Every single actor on the show is probably just using it to get more exposure so they can go down the Mike Myers or Will Ferrell route, although those two routes really are largely sucky, despite how much money those two might make. Hopefully soon Bill Hader will champion a revolt that will lead to the demise or at least mass exodus of the current cast before Lorne Michaels leeches all of the comic ability out of their impressionable young bodies.

And then they will all cry to Lorne Michaels:

You'll find somebody you can blame, and you'll follow the creek that runs out to the sea, and you'll find the peace of the Lord.

Guten tag! That's German. See? You just learned something. Blogs can be educational!

Here's something else I'll be teaching you about: The Middle East.

Surprised? Well, don't be, because I'm not talking about that Middle East, I'm talking about the little band from Australia.

No, please don't leave! This will be awesome, I promise you! Well, maybe not awesome, but whatever! Just listen!

I was watching IFC recently, and they've been airing a lot of clips from South By Southwest, which is in Arizona, I believe? New Mexico? (Oh! Texas. Thanks, Wikipedia.) Everyone on the Internetz seems interested in SXSW, but I wasn't. I didn't give a crud about SXSW because just thinking about all of those sweaty pretentious audiophiles screaming the lyrics to their favorite Radiohead song (even though they're actually watching Broken Social Scene play) in one cramped place made me feel terribly uncomfortable.

But then they showed this video:

And immediately SXSW had won me over. Although, really, they only deserve partial credit, if even that: it was the Middle East that I liked. And it was IFC that brought them to my 32" HD Sony Bravia television (all my Bravia bros., say "Heeeey!" And then don't ever say "Heeeey!" again).

The song is called "Blood." Yes, "Blood" by the Middle East. It is far less violent than it sounds. In fact, it's pretty melancholy, but above all else, it's..."beautiful." That's a word I rarely use, unless I'm talking about my cat. Man, my cat's the best.

Anyway, while watching that video of "Blood", the harmonizing just put me someplace else. The combination of the instruments create this wonderful ambiance that I just got lost in. I stared at the screen, my eyes watering from keeping them pried open, my ears throbbing from how high up I had turned up the volume (only to 65!).

The lyrics are the best part. Please, won't you read them with me?:

Older brother, restless soul, lie down
lie for a while with your ear against the earth
and you'll hear your sister sleep talking
say "your hair is long but not long enough to reach
home to me
but your beard
someday might be"

And she'll wake up in a cold sweat on the floor
next to a family portrait drawn when you were four
and beside a jar of two cent coins that are no good no more
she'll lay it aside

Older father, weary soul, you'll drive
back to the home you made on the mountainside
with that ugly, terrible thing
those papers for divorce
and a lonely ring
a lonely ring
sit on your porch
and pluck your strings

And you'll find somebody you can blame
and you'll follow the creek that runs out into the sea
and you'll find the peace of the Lord.

Grandfather, gentle soul, you'll fly
over your life once more before you die
since our grandma passed away
you've waited for forever and a day
just to die
and someday soon
you will die

It was the only woman you ever loved
that got burnt by the sun too often when she was young
and the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood
and there's nothing you can do about it now

Please don't lie to me and tell me that you don't imagine anything while reading that. How could you not instantly be filled up with all of these different thoughts and emotions? I can't be overselling this, can I? I can't be the only one who thinks this is "the bomb?"

Just look at the cover of their EP, conveniently located to your right, which is called The Recordings of the Middle East. I think it encapsulates "Blood" pretty well, or, at least, what I see in my mind when I hear it. Also, the colors are really nice. Look at 'em.

One of the other songs on the EP that I really like is "The Darkest Side." Its lyrics are kind of overdramatic ("It's the darkest side of my heart that dies when you come to me") but it just sounds so good. On that song, too, they do a lot of cool harmonizing. (See also: "Beleriand.")

Regardless of whether or not you're interested in SXSW, and I must admit that I still care very little about it, I implore you to check out this band. I assure you that you won't regret it. Just try to ignore the fact that their drummer is a dead-ringer for current Weezer bassist Scott Shriner. If you haven't watched the video I posted above already, then please check that out, too. It's quite nice, and is every bit as good as the studio version.

Here's a download of said studio version: "Blood"

You can buy the EP from Amazon here. It's also on iTunes, but I'm pretty mad at Apple right now so you can find it yourself there if you have to. (Don't ask why I'm mad at them. Just, don't. Seriously, I know you're going to want to now, but don't even try it. I'm warning you!)

In Which I Get An Obligatory Post Out of the Way So I Can Post .Gifs of Conan O'Brien Dancing

This is Malcolm Gladwell.

As you can see, he's one classy bro. Unfortunately, when I read Outliers for school this summer, I came back in the fall to find myself as one of the only people who felt that way. The name "Malcolm Gladwell" is largely met with a sneer now, even by people who aren't between the ages of sixteen and eighteen, I find, and it saddens me, because how could anyone hate this guy, even dislike him? (He's like Paul Rudd or something! Everyone loves Paul Rudd!)

Despite its age (because 2005 is so old), this review makes me like him even more. I guess I'll summarize it for you, if you're really that lazy. Basically, Gladwell reviews the book Everything Bad is Good For You: How Today's Pop Culture is Actually Making Us Smarter, which is about how today's pop culture is actually making us smarter. Sorry, was that obvious?

Anyway, sarcasm aside, the book discusses how today's popular culture is much more complex than it used to be, which causes us to think more and become much more active participants in what we're watching (or playing; he cites video games as examples, too) than we used to be. This is something I've been saying for years. Critics of the television and video games are only seeing one side of the picture, only taking things at face value. I find that many of them have only sat through a show or a game long enough to be able to develop a thesis statement and be able to denounce it without sounding uninformed.  But they are uninformed, because the things that make these shows, movies, games, whatever, so great are the things that you actually have to think about: the allusions, the references, the metaphors. Why do they think there are so many sites like Television Without Pity or The AV Club, both of which have hundreds of thousands of views? Yes, for every TWOP you have an IMDB, which has way too many whiny preteens complaining about the dearth of shirtless pictures of Devon Werkheiser there are out there, but the TWOPs and the AV Clubs prove that there is a thoughtful, intelligent audience out there willing to be sucked into the television. These people prove that it can't be all bad.

This is one of my favorite parts:

Most of the people who denounce video games, he says, haven’t actually played them—at least, not recently. Twenty years ago, games like Tetris or Pac-Man were simple exercises in motor coördination and pattern recognition. Today’s games belong to another realm. Johnson points out that one of the “walk-throughs” for “Grand Theft Auto III”...is fifty-three thousand words long, about the length of his book. The contemporary video game involves a fully realized imaginary world, dense with detail and levels of complexity...This is why many of us find modern video games baffling: we’re not used to being in a situation where we have to figure out what to do. We think we only have to learn how to press the buttons faster. But these games withhold critical information from the player. Players have to explore and sort through hypotheses in order to make sense of the game’s environment, which is why a modern video game can take forty hours to complete. Far from being engines of instant gratification, as they are often described, video games are actually, Johnson writes, “all about delayed gratification—sometimes so long delayed that you wonder if the gratification is ever going to show.”

Exactly. As I said before, for every Ico and Final Fantasy IV you have at least two dozen mindless first-person shooters, but even those are more complex than your parents' Pong. Ico is one of the most frustrating games that I've ever played, but it's all worth it because I take away so much - it's like a well-made film, complete with a great story, beautiful art, and an immerse world. Gladwell and the author (Steven Johnson) are exactly right - video games today involve a large amount of critical thinking and are often incredibly complicated. But that's what makes them great.

I said before that I am not so keen on the idea of calling this a "pop culture" blog, but after reading this review, I feel less ashamed of the term. If we can learn to ignore Kim Kardashian and Two and a Half-Men then maybe we can start to realize popular culture's true merits.

Now here is a picture of Conan O'Brien (and Andrew W.K.) dancing:

You're welcome.