Caution: Disturbing Golden Globes Nominations Rant/"Analysis" As Maddeningly Typed Out by Newly 17-Year-Old Below

I'm an awards show junkie. I believe I've established this?

Yeah. Unfortunately the Golden Globes are widely regarded ("widely" = by me, and maybe only me) as the worst of the big shows, but they are the most perfect fodder for my constant girlish rage at all things movie/TV-related so by gum, I shall watch them! And I shall obsess over the freak show nominations that the HFPA makes! And I shall force you to endure this obsession via posting about it in capital letters! AHA! Also I'm obligated to watch the Golden Globes and all of the above and everything because Ricky Gervais is hosting (again) and that man deserves my constant attention. (I'm of the teeny tiny camp that believes that Extras is better than The Office, but I hold this view only because I find the former funnier. The Office is more significant and I will never deny that. 'Cuz I know you care so much?)

So, let's start with the Big Ones:
Best Motion Picture: Drama

• Black Swan
• The Fighter
• Inception
• The King's Speech
• The Social Network

Okay, actually, there isn't much to rant about here. This list seems to be pretty standard as far as this awards season is going, although the inclusion of Inception really does sort of confuse me. I REALLY liked the movie, but I don't know. It had problems. Maybe they're nominating it because, like me, the HFPA loves Leo and JGL? Hmm? Maybe? Yes? But other than that, actually, this category is alright. I'm betting on Social Network, which was great, although I haven't compared the reviews between it and Black Swan, The Fighter, and The King's Speech enough to be sure. (Although I think Speech is really its only true competition.)

Best Motion Picture - Comedy

• Alice in Wonderland
• Burlesque
• The Kids Are All Right
• Red
• The Tourist

This. Category. Is. A. Load. of. AWFUL HORRIBLE TERRIBLE-NESS-NESS-NESS I MEAN AAAGH WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAT? (Here be the Caps Lock abuse.) HOW IS ALICE IN WONDERLAND A COMEDY OR WORTHY OF ANY SORT OF "MAIN" AWARD? BURLESQUE GOT MIDDLING REVIEWS SO HUH? WHAT? SINCE WHEN WAS THE TOURIST A COMEDY? AND RED OVER SOMETHING WITH MORE CONSISTENTLY POSITIVE REVIEWS LIKE SCOTT PILGRIM? Okay, Scott Pilgrim was divisive and those foreigners at the HFPA, I could see them not "getting" it. BUT STILL. I think it was the funniest movie I saw this year SO OBVIOUSLY THAT SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING CONSIDERING THIS IS "BEST COMEDY" RIGHT? AAAAAH. This is the WORST slate of noms in ANY category that I've seen since maybe the 2008 Oscars when Ben Button was considered a serious contender despite the fact that it wasn't that great and Slumdog Millionaire won over Milk which, in my opinion, was MUCH better. UGH. I HATE THIS.

Best Television Series - Drama

• Boardwalk Empire
• Dexter
• The Good Wife
• Mad Men
• The Walking Dead

This category irks me. I'll get to Comedy in a second (or minute or ten minutes) but why does that have 6 nominees and this 5? Asymmetrical! Asymmetrical! Why Boardwalk Empire and not Breaking Stinkin' Bad, man? When everyone who knows anything in TV knows that this season was one of its best? For that matter, which seasons of these shows are the nominations based on, considering that seasons end in May and start in September? Are they based on last season? End of last and beginning of the current season? It's extremely non-sensical. Thankfully, I don't really care too much about drama other than a couple of things so this looks otherwise normal. I believe that this will become the standard and we'll see Walking Dead nom'd at the Emmys next year. But we're not seeing Boardwalk Empire, I know that's for sure... Who knows though?

Best Television Series - Comedy (and Musical)

• The Big Bang Theory
• The Big C
• Glee
• Modern Family
• Nurse Jackie
• 30 Rock

I still don't get it. Nurse Jackie is a comedy? Huh? I really need to get Showtime. I thought The Big C wasn't supposed to be very good? And again: six nominees? Really? Was that necessary? Glee won last year and if it wins again I don't think I'll ever watch the Globes ever again. Really. That's just wrong. Glee is a fun guilty pleasure, not a serious awards contender. As always I'm rooting for 30 Rock, which has been consistently wonderful all season-long. Plus I bet the HFPA is in love with Matt Damon (Carol! CAROL!) so come on, guys! Do it for Matt!

Best Animated Film

• Despicable Me
• How to Train Your Dragon
• The Illusionist
• Tangled
• Toy Story 3

Toy Story 3. Easily. I LOVED How to Train Your Dragon but Toy Story 3 was one of the best movies I've ever seen. It really was. I am madly in love with that movie. I felt like this was an especially strong year for animation, so I'm sad that the Oscars are going to only nominate three films. I think this is a great list, covering all of the bases.

So the big categories are sort of lopsided, obviously...Motion Picture Comedy is so wretched, and TV Drama is weird...but other than that, these noms are safe and as expected.

Acting is a whole other story.

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

That's an overstatement. It's really not that bad. It's just the Motion Picture Comedy category again...

Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Comedy

• Johnny Depp for The Tourist
• Johnny Depp for Alice in Wonderland
• Paul Giamatti for Barney's Version
• Jake Gyllenhaal (TWO A'S) for Love and Other Drugs
• Kevin Spacey for Casino Jack

Okay. Okay. WHAT. IS. THIS. OHOHO JOHNNY DEPP VS. JOHNNY DEPP HOW FUNNY. I assume that's where the "Comedy" in the title comes from, yes? Because THESE MOVIES ARE NOT COMEDIES. MY GOD. Okay, well, perhaps Barney's Version and Casino Jack are, but considering that NEITHER ARE OUT IN THEATRES YET, it's hard to tell. I'm getting a feeling that the HFPA gives preference to movies that premiered at foreign film festivals or something because that's the only way this can work. I mean. Dayum. And what the freak, isn't Love and Other Drugs about how Anne Hathaway has Parkinson's Disease or something? Huh? Jake Gyll! Explain this to me! BLAAARGLE.

Yes, I know this blog is well-written/articulate, never resorting to childish nonsense words. Thank you for noticing.

Some other things of note because I'm getting tired of re-typing the ENITRE list for each category again:

• Piper Perabo for TV Supporting in Covert Affairs: what the crud is this doing here?
• Katey Segal for Sons of Anarchy in TV Supporting: very nicely done, HFPA, very nicely done.
• Scott Caan for Hawaii Five-O in TV Supporting: ...um
• Julia Stiles for Dexter in TV Supporting: Julia Stiles is awful. Awful.
• No Armie Hammer for The Social Network in Motion Picture Supporting: what the what? He was so good though! (At least we've got Andrew Garfield.)
• Halle Berry for Frankie and Alice in Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama: I consider myself reasonably aware of what's going on in the industry but I can't say I've ever heard of this movie, so obviously I'm confused. 

You know what's annoying? This post isn't even that long but it took me an hour and a half to write. I'm sure that "half" comes from just trying to find the list in a properly formatted way, so thanks to IMDb for being the only place that organizes the nominations properly.

Also, I'm really upset about the lack of Yogi Bear, The Nutcracker 3D, and Marmaduke nominations. I was so sure that those three were going to sweep the categories! 

p.s. misleading title is misleading? discuss