Silly Bands: America's Obsession With WHAT, Exactly?

WHEEE It's August. Actually, no, NOT "whee," because for most of us August means the end of vacation and preparing to return to that legalized prison called school. But let's try to make the best of this month while we still can, right? So we have this lovely little guest post by my gurl Blaire over here for you to enjoy so much that you wet your pants from laughing. Also, Blaire, don't feel bad about searching for Disney songs in multiple languages. That is actually a completely awesome way to spend you day. May I suggest "Be Prepared" in Japanese?

Hey, ya’ll. This is a guest post. While I’m here, I might as well shamelessly advertise my own blog: http://straightuppaulaabdul.blogspot.com/

So, y’know, when you’re done, you can go over there. :D

Anyway, so, I was in CVS a few weeks ago buying antibiotics and I saw this GIANT tub of Silly Bands where they were selling like four packs for a dollar. And this four year old was screaming her head off because her mom wasn’t letting her buy any.

Of course, because America is turning to a country of spoiled and obese morons, the mother eventually relented and let the girl buy a grand total of eight packs. But it made me wonder: what the hell do you need eight packs of Silly Bands for?

Now, I myself have a few Silly Bands of my own. I have a kangaroo, a saxophone, a flamingo, a bear, a football, a giraffe, and a baseball bat. Why do I have them? Conformity, I suppose. Also, they’re excellent tools for calming children down.

But, that’s not really my point. I guess what I’m wondering is: why do they exist in the first place? I’m sure some person was sitting home, alone, playing with a rubber band, and thought to themselves, “Wow, rubber bands suck. I wish I could make them more colorful! And into little shapes too! I’ll make a fortune!”

Well, congratulations, sir or ma’am. You were damn right. I’m sure you’re living luxuriously now, and instead of sitting home alone, you’re sitting home alone in a hot tub.

Now, I feel like American children have always had some psychological reasoning for the stuff they get into. Pokemon? To assert our authority over beings and each other with brute strength. Barbies? A girl (and gay guy’s) belief that with the right hair, makeup and outfit, there will be a muscular man with weird legs waiting for them. Lady Gaga?

…well, maybe she’s in the same boat as Silly Bands, but you get my point! Silly bands serve no other purpose other than to irritate our skin, serve our need to look at shapes and colors, and to pour more money back into the economy.

Oh my nonexistent deity of choice. This is Obama’s stimulus plan. Silly Bands. They appeal to basically everyone. I’ve seen forty-year-olds with them, I’ve seen teenagers with them, I’ve seen four-year-olds with them. They appeal to everyone. And their fun little shapes…they’re like a marketer's wet dream. And they’re easy to come by, and you sell them in bulk…guys, this is how Obama is planning to get America out of debt.

Except, I think they’re made in China, so that might end up backfiring on him. We’ll see.

At any rate, Silly Bands serve no purpose other than to entertain the masses, and serve as another thing for children to flip out over. I will never understand why a child absolutely must have something that fits around their wrist, is easily breakable, and frankly, looks ridiculously tacky.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this. After all, they’re Silly Bands. Maybe they’re not meant to have a purpose, other than to be ridiculously tacky. But I’m just saying…if the current ‘fad’ is colored rubber bands that bend into little shapes, America might want to give its mental state a quick once over.

But that’s coming from the girl who just spent the last three hours looking up Disney songs in multiple languages for no good reason other than that it sounds pretty. So, maybe America is mentally regressing, and this is just the sign. The beginning of the end, if you will.

So yeah…that’s my rambling-ish thing on Silly Bands. If you have any, don’t be offended. Remember that I have them too. If you don’t have them, don’t bother getting any. Like I said, there’s no point.

…Toodles!