Oscars 2011: How Did I Do?

Last night's Oscars were easily the worst in years. YEARS. I wasn't a fan of them last year, despite my love for Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, but that seemed hilarious and amazing in comparison to this year's lifeless and predictable show.

Anne Hathaway wins for "Best Effort" with her likable enthusiasm and had she been hosting by herself, thus being given much more to do than she was last night, I would have enjoyed the show more. But James Franco was there, too, and as much as I enjoy James Franco he absolutely failed as host. I don't know whether he was stoned, tired, or "nervous" (psssh, whatever), but he was terrible. My head bro in charge Rob Sheffield has this theory:

Come on: James Franco was kind of brilliant last night. He treated the Oscars like his own avant-garde conceptual art project, like the way he went on General Hospital for kicks and giggles. Like, what if an insanely pretty boy got up on TV in front of a billion people, and did nothing but smirk and squint and stare off into the distance and look embarrassed to be there? What if he barely said a word, just contemplating his own hotness and flashing his John-Mayer-post-lobotomy grin? What a bold statement on modern alienation! Like the tragic hero of Jean Cocteau’s Orphic Trilogy, he stood trapped behind a mirror, unable to make human contact, cursed to face his own reflection alone. Duuuude! I hope he got at least a B+ for that in his “Media Tedium Strategies” seminar.

Not buying it, Rob, but nice try. Sometimes we forget that James Franco and Lady Gaga are completely different beasts, in that James Franco's life is not completely fabricated for entertainment. I mean, we don't know this for sure, considering he's kind of enigmatic, but I'm pretty certain that James Franco is still a human being who takes life slightly less seriously than most.

Another horrible moment was Melissa Leo's obnoxious speech. God, she seemed fake, and I mean, I don't even hate her but she just wouldn't stop, man. HAI-HAI THAT OSCAR WAS YOURS BBY YOU WERE ROBBED <3 In spite of myself/hypocritically I'm a big advocate for GOOD child actors, and while I haven't seen True Grit (I saw some of the original though!) she seemed amazing in it. HAI-HAI 2012! Actually, no, I want Chloe Moretz to win. She rocks.

Also, the In Memoriam was painful with Celine Dion's wailing of Michael Jackson's favorite song. How could they leave out Corey Haim?! He was a good actor, man! Lucas!

Anyway, terrible hosting, Melissa Leo, and the general bland predictability of it all, which I'll get to, aside, the show managed to have its share of good bits. Kirk Douglas brought the kind of wacky, "does he know what he's doing right now?" kind of hilarity that I love about the Oscars with his extremely long stay on the stage. Norm Macdonald quipped on his Twitter (which was plugged, by the way, much less than I thought it'd be at the show and yet still had a presence in my house as my dad read us Tweets during breaks): "By the time the dead montage starts, Kirk Douglas will be in it." Black humor. Killing it, Norm.

I also liked the Auto-Tune the Movies thing by the Gregory Brothers, whom I adore (yes, in italics). That was probably the most amusing thing of the night for me, other than Kirk. What else was funny? Um. I liked David Seidler's speech for The King's Speech. I also loved Billy Crystal. Weirdly enough I still have vivid memories of his hosting gig back in '03, especially that opening montage. Oh, the good old days. Billy got a standing ovation when he came on stage, and it's obviously because everyone in the audience (and at home) was praying to L. Ron Hubbard or Jehovah or whatever for him to take over for the rest of the night.

Okay, so the show was crud, but the most important thing is really who took home the little gold naked guy. I made my predictions earlier in a really boring post that you probably didn't read, so let's see how I did!

• Best Picture: MY PREDICTION: The Social Network. WINNER: The King's Speech. Okay, this was wishful thinking on my part but MAN, am I mad. Look, I'm sure The King's Speech is a wonderful thing, and maybe I'm just crazy (crazy for you baaabyyy), but I think Best Picture should MEAN something. The movie should have a greater message for it to truly be the best picture of the year. It should be innovative (note: this point is highly contradictory to everything the Academy stands for), it should be something that truly STANDS THE HECK OUT. And maybe The King's Speech does that. But do you think we'll remember it next year? I still remember No Country for Old Men. I remember Crash, although that's because of how mad it makes me. I even remember Titanic. On the same note, I always forget who won these past two years even though Hurt Locker and Slumdog were pretty fresh, so I guess I'm a big hypocrite. On the bright side, as Steven Spielberg said, losers are in the company of stinking Citizen Kane. Enough said. (And by the way, my SUBJECTIVE choice for Best Picture is easily Toy Story 3. Objectively, it's Social Network. I think too many voters are emotional and that helped because I'm sure that The King's Speech is more "likable" in many ways than Social Network with its anti-hero of a main character.)
• Best Director: MY PREDICTION: David Fincher. WINNER: Tom Hooper. OKAY THIS IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL IDIOCY. IDIOCY. ABSOLUTELY. David Fincher is WHY his film succeeds. IT IS COMPLETELY IMBUED WITH HIS VOICE. Who the crud is Tom Hooper?! Who is he? King's Speech had great PERFORMANCES, and while directing is part of that I find it hard to believe that any of those movies nominated are more synonymous with their director than Finchy. I even think Christopher Nolan, who stupidly wasn't nominated, would have been worthy; Inception would be much worse off without him. But NOOO, IT WAS TOM STINKING HOOPER. Whatever. I'm too young to develop an ulcer.
• Best Actor: MY PREDICTION: Colin Firth. WINNER: Colin Firth. I was right! Yay me! Colin Firth can charm the pants off anybody, male or female, and I'm happy for him. However, I was rooting for Jesse or even Javier Bardem. All of those actors seemed very worthy, but Jesse's performance is the one that I still think about even now. Those courtroom scenes were amazing. I'm sure Colin is very deserving, though; he's the main reason why I want to see that movie. Also I like how he thanked Tom Ford, who directed A Single Man for which he was nominated last year. Did he even mention Hooper?
• Best Actress: PREDICTION: Natalie Portman. Winner: Natalie Portman. 2 right! Look, I thought she was good. I loved her in The Professional, back when she was 11. I love that movie. I didn't love Black Swan, but she was in every single scene and really carried it; I thought she deserved it. Nicole Kidman's role, by the way, in Rabbit Hole seemed extremely over-the-top, and she fails at that American accent. No offense.
• Best Supporting Actor: PREDICTION: Christian Bale. WINNER: Bale. Method is as method does, or something to that effect. Yay, Christian Bale!
• Best Supporting Actress: PREDICTION: Melissa Leo. WINNER: Leo. I rambled about this up there but in my prediction I added "Idealistically, Hailee Steinfeld." Blergh.
• Best Foreign Film: P: In A Better World. W: In A Better World. Heck yeah, that would be 4. Told you these things were predictable!
• Best Animated Film: P: Toy Story 3. W: TS3. DUH. Must say, this was the strongest crop in years. Each of these movies should have been nominated for Best Picture. Screw Inception and Winter's Bone/The Kids Are All Right. (Not that I didn't like them or don't want to see them, of course.)
• Best Documentary: P: Exit Through the Gift Shop. W: Inside Job. LAME. I was pumped for Banksy to come out and actually entertain me, but nope, they had to give it to this movie made by two extremely boring people. At least a minority won something for what was the very first time that night (and possibly the last), as one of the directors was Asian.
• Best Original Screenplay: P: Inception. W: The King's Speech. That was a stupid prediction on my part. I said that I had "no idea" and I really didn't. I think I just guessed Inception because Nolan created this entire world, basically. The dialogue was atrocious, though, and The King's Speech seemed to have an entertaining script. That scene they showed for Geoffrey Rush's performance was funny. And David Seidler, as I said, gave a good speech. HOW FITTING HAW HAW *guffaws*
• Best Adapted Screenplay: P: The Social Network W: The Social Network. Heck yeah. Nothing beats this movie's script, man. I liked Aaron Sorkin's closing line about how his daughter's guinea pig should respect him now that he has an Oscar. Such a writer, that guy.
• Best Editing: P: The Social Network W: The Social Network. Awesome.
• Best Visual Effects: P: Inception W: Inception. Of course!
• Best Song: P: "The one from 127 Hours" ("If I Rise") W: "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3. That was a surprise. YAY TOY STORY 3. Can you believe that "You've Got a Friend in Me" didn't win? Insanity. I still barely remember this song but man, those other songs were terrible. Especially the one from Tangled. Ugh.
• Best Score: P: The Social Network W: The Social Network I said that my idealistic choices were Inception or How to Train Your Dragon but I actually really like this movie's score. It's the only one I could remember!
• Best Cinematography: P: True Grit W: Inception Uh, okay.
• Best Sound Mixing: P: Inception W: Inception Mmhmm.
• Best Sound Editing: P: Inception W: Inception Yep. Sound editing seems like a very tough job. There were so many sounds in this movie.
• Best Costume Design: P: The King's Speech W: Alice in Wonderland. Oscar winner Alice in Wonderland. ...Huh?
• Best Art Direction: P: Inception W: Alice in Wonderland Two-time Oscar winner Alice in Wonderland. Wow. (I must say that it had nice art direction, though. A little garish, but still.)
• Best Makeup: P: The Wolfman W: The Wolfman Yay. Oscar winner The Wolfman. Haha.
• Best Live Action Short: P: The Confession W: God of Love God of Love looked pretty cool, and they guy gave a fun speech. That was his stinking college thesis. Jealous. The Confession also looks good, though, so I picked a good random choice.
• Best Animated Short: P: Day & Night W: The Lost Thing I heard this was really good but I still love Day & Night :(
• Best Documentary Short: P: Killing in the Name W: Strangers No More Whatever. Looked sort of cool but also looked like it was about how white people are the sole saviors of minorities. Eh.

So my tally is 12 out of 24 correct. That would be an F. I suck at this. I think I'll stick to my day job.