So many combinations, so many combinations!

I am so tired. I guess that's my punishment for playing Pokemon SoulSilver non-stop. Yesterday I played it until 1 AM, and today I played it from the time I woke up until about 15 minutes ago. Even though my eyes are screaming "Why did you make us stare at countless Geodudes and Gravelers for three hours straight? WHY?" I don't regret it. I did a heckuva lot of training. I beat Clair! Yay me! Now I'm on the Kimono Girls, who are evil despite them all having adorable Eeveelutions. Let's bully them like all the popular kids bullied us in middle school! YOU KIMONO GIRLS ARE SOOO WEIRD!

Anyway, so, I'm really tired. Did I say that already? Apparently I did. Today I don't really have anything to talk about, except another Pokemon-related topic: the player characters! The player characters went from being awesome to being dull, ugly, and non-threatening. They're so hard to believe as POKEMON MASTERS BOLD ITALICS!!! and they're also just really uninteresting.

Seriously. Look at the designs for Red and Leaf from FireRed and LeafGreen:

SO. AWESOME. Look at Red. Look at his face. That is the face of a trainer who has no reservations about brutally murdering a level 6 Rattatta by making his Level 50 Charizard use Flamethrower. This is the trainer who loves his Pokemon and no one else's - and that's GOOD. People, hating everyone else's Pokemon doesn't make you evil! It makes you smart. The whole point is to win, and if you're too busy chatting with Picknicker Liz about how cute her Weepinbell is (which, by the way, you would never do because 1. Liz is a brat and 2. Weepinbell is ugly as sin) then you will LOSE. So good on you, Red. And Leaf! Her outfit is just awesome. It's practical and it's fashionable. The hat is a wonderful stylistic choice because it can get really darn sunny out there in Kanto. Good on you, Leaf. Good on you.

Those designs are probably the two best, technically. They're certainly the best PAIR of characters. But to me, the single best player character is Gold (AKA "Ethan") from Gold and Silver.

"Bro, we don't mess. WE. DON'T. MESS."

 This is the new design of Ethan. But when he was Gold, in the original game, man. He was a true player. He was GLARING, guys. He wouldn't take a "No" from anyone. He did what he needed to do and he beat Lance in one go. Gold even beat RED. Obviously, Gold is the one true Pokemon Master. No one else beat Red, did they? (Other than Lyra/Ethan, who basically IS Gold, anyway. I love his design, too. I almost played SoulSilver as a boy because you can just tell that Ethan doesn't play around. But Lyra is cool, too, despite her gigantic hat. Her hair is actually SHAPED LIKE THAT HAT, too. So weird.) 

Also: Gold is just stronger mentally than Red, too. After Red became the Pokemon Master, he got all excited - "Yeah! I beat the Elite Four! I'm so excited to play the post-game now! Maybe I can go to the Orange Islands!" But no. In Red and Blue, there is no post-game. It's incredibly depressing for someone playing the game, but, well, Red has to LIVE IT. After he defeats Lance, he has no purpose in life anymore. Thus, he retreats to Mt. Silver where he fights Geodudes and Sneasels until he has killed every single one of them. He then takes to the top of the mountain where he becomes so emaciated that he and his Level 80 Pikachu, Charizard, etc. can no longer talk or even grunt. But then Gold comes along, super-excited after beating 16 gym leaders in a row AND beating the Elite Four twice (TWICE!) and he happens along this shell of a man, Red. Then they battle. Guess what? Gold wins, easily. He jumps around excitedly, saying, "HECK YEAH! I WON, SON! I'M GOLD, MOFO!" And then he leaves. And he goes and hangs out with all of those cougar fangirls he has (well, no one's perfect) and life goes on. He doesn't have a mental breakdown like Red. That's because Gold eats mental breakdowns for supper.

 

(By the way, there was also Kris, from Crystal, who is really awesome. There she is on the right. Say "Hi, Kris!" Unfortunately she was replaced with Lyra, but Lyra's grown on me.) 

Ahem. Now, after Gold and Silver, things started to get a little...well, weird. I think we're all familiar with May; she's the whiny chick in the crazy tight booty shorts. Has that little brother, Max, who we should all just forget even existed? Yeah. Her male counterpart is Brendan. Brendan has the single strangest design out of any trainer. He has this weird hat with white on top, and for years I thought that was his hair. It's NOT. How is that hair-looking thing not his hair?! Where did he get an ugly hat like that? And in Emerald, his outfit just sucks. He wears shorts over long pants. Yes, that's practical, Brendan! Now if you're hot, you can take your...shorts off? Oh, you. So strange.

 "Yeah, we be trainin'. We be trainin' in our booty shorts and poor color choicez."

Then finally we have Dawn and Lucas, another fashionably (and mentally) deficient pair. Dawn is actually okay. Her skirt is insanely short, yes, and she is definite and obvious pedo-bait. No 10 year old should be wearing a skirt that short! Don't listen to what those freaks on 4Chan say, okay? But Lucas...Lucas has no excuse. Lucas has a scarf and a beret. I can't believe any boy that wears a beret could be the Pokemon Master. Lucas is such a wuss, guys! He's a wuss. I beat him SO easily in Pearl. Whenever he showed up to battle me, I was like, "Hey, 'sup, Lucas? Que pasa?" And he would say, "Oh, why, HULLO there, Allegra! How are you, dahling?" And then we sat for tea and after we were done we would battle. Although this didn't happen often. But playing as Lucas must be lame, too. I can't take anyone seriously named Lucas. I'm sorry. I just can't.

"They see what we wearin'; they hatin'." OF COURSE WE ARE.

The new Pokemon trainers, however, are awesome. The boy especially! The girl is more Dawn-style pedo-bait, but she's older, so it's okay! Girls can be sluts as long as they're of age is what I always say! :D Just another reason to hype up Black and White like crazy.

The Very Best That No One (Other Pokemon Movie) Ever Was

Pokemon 4Ever was on today. Man, that movie...it doesn't hold up. It just doesn't. Celebi's awesome and all, but he's sort of dull. As is the movie!

It got me thinking about the other Pokemon movies. LET'S RANK THEM BECAUSE I'M TIRED AND WANT TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER:

I haven't seen any of the movies after Destiny Deoxys, because, well, I hate the Advanced Generation series and everything that comes after it. So I'll only do a Top 7, if that's alright with you lot. If it's not, well, there's the close button. Upper-right hand corner. (Actually, I think I did see that Lucario movie. I hated it. Let's just not talk about it, though. It's easier. Less painful.)

 

7. 2000

This one is inexplicably popular. Really! It is. I remember how excited I was to see it in theaters when it came out. I might have seen it on the very first day, even. But I was disappointed. Even as a 6 year old kid, I was disappointed, because the movie just wasn't very interesting to me. It wasn't exciting. I did love that introduced Lugia and some other Johto Pokemon to us before those games ever came out (NOVEMBER 2000 BABY BEST MONTH OF MY LIFE), though, but other than that it just isn't memorable. A lot of people love this movie, and I think it might have even been the best-reviewed out of the series, which isn't saying much because all of them are hated by critics. But, well, since when have I ever been "a lot of people?"

 6. 4Ever

Yeah, as I said earlier...this movie just doesn't do it for me. IT'S SO BORING. Although it does have that amazing-albeit-predictable plot twist where that kid Sam with the stupid hair is really Professor Oak. How old is Professor Oak, anyway?! He's ancient. Possibly more than two centuries old, even. Oh, and one more thing - we rented this movie on DVD back in the day, and it had an audio commentary - which is very cool. But the commentary lasted A TOTAL OF 30 MINUTES. I remember this vividly - they were all talking excitedly about the movie, which sounded really fake, because even I, a huge Pokemon fan, was having trouble getting excited for this movie. But right when it gets to the part where Ash meets Celebi, the stinking STAR OF THE MOVIE, the cast is like, "Oh, well, we don't have anything else to say! Enjoy the movie!" NO. I CHOSE TO LISTEN TO THE COMMENTARY BECAUSE I WANTED TO HEAR MADDIE BLAUSTEIN CONFUSE ME AS TO WHAT GENDER SHE IS. (Yeah, that's right - a woman voiced Meowth. A transgendered woman, but you know, a woman all the same. She's dead now.) It was so disheartening. I think we turned the DVD off.

5. Jirachi Wish Maker

I think I'm being a little unfair to 4Ever. It was dull, but at least I can remember. At least I expressed interest in seeing it more than once. I've seen Jirachi Wish Maker a total of two times. I own the DVD, people, and I watched it once. (Well, actually I watched the DVD itself about 10 times, but that was for the short, Gotta Dance.) It's just...not interesting. It's probably because Max and May are two of the most insufferable anime characters to ever exist, but the movie was bland as that one thing that's really bland that I can't remember right now. The movie isn't that bad, though. I never thought it was so terrible that I had to stop watching. Jirachi is one of my favorite Pokemon (I have two of them, so HA! HA HA!) and there was some really adorable stuff going on. It's just that the movie itself goes on and on and can be quite boring. It also didn't help that I got it in sixth grade, where Pokemon automatically went to being the Game of Forever to being the scarlet letter that called you out for being that kid that everyone makes fun of. Maybe I should try watching it again.

4. Destiny Deoxys 

Here I go, being unfair again! Talk about not being able to remember anything! I can remember the last movie much better than I can remember this one, but what I CAN remember about this movie is that I really, really liked it. I hate Deoxys, I hate Advanced, but this movie was so entertaining that I watched it twice in the span of a weekend. I can't even tell you what it was about, though. I think I need to watch it again.

3. The First Movie

How creative is THAT title? Huh? Huh? Yeah. Well, despite it being one of the worst reviewed movies of the last decade (11 years, but whatever), it's hard not to love this movie. It's pure nostalgia. It's seeing you favorite Pokemon on the big screen. How AWESOME it was to see this movie for the first time. It was promoted like crazy; remember those gold Pokemon "cards" they gave out at Burger King? Yeah, I had several of those. Remember the special cards they gave out when you bought a ticket? I got Dragonite and Pikachu! Those cards are way more special to me than those lame Ancient Mew cards. You can't even use those in the card game, guys. Why people freak out about them, I don't know. But anyway, this movie came out at the height of Pokemon's popularity, and it was amazing. It's not perfect, of course, but who cares? None of the other movies could match how cool it was to see this movie in theaters.

2. Heroes 

While the first movie to come out in theaters was hyped like crazy, this, the last movie to be shown in theaters in America, was a box office bomb. It made less than a million dollars and was released in less than 200 theaters. I was lucky enough to see it with my gal pals (BAHAHA). I think we were amongst the only people in the entire theater. That was when I started to realize that people didn't love Pokemon the way they used to. We were all growing up (I was in fifth grade when this movie came out, and first grade when the first movie came out) and we started to become self-conscious. Pokemon wasn't cool like it used to be. It's too bad for those people who were too obsessed with being mature and "cool" to watch this movie, because it was amazing. We all walked out of that theater crying and saying that was the best Pokemon movie we'd seen. It really is a great movie. Latios and Latias are two of the most popular characters because of this movie. I own this one on DVD, too (thanks Blaire :D) and I really should watch it again. It has the best setting out of any of the movies - it was inspired by Venice. It's really nice. It just has this whimsical air to it.

1. 3

This movie was released at the height of my personal Pokemon obsession. I had Silver, and I played it ALL THE TIME. It's still my favorite game ever, by the way. I was in love with Johto, and while the Johto season of the anime doesn't hold a candle to the original series (Pre-Orange Islands, that is; Orange Islands is definitely one of the worst), I was crazily obsessed with that, too. So then this movie comes out, and of course I love it. Of course I want to see it again, and again, and again. This movie has, in my opinion, one of the coolest plots of any of the movies. It's insanely memorable - I had DREAMS of this movie. It's even quotable. Who doesn't remember how those cool video phones sound? (Yeah, it was a callback to the series, but still. It sounded way cooler in the movie.) Entei was one of the coolest legendary Pokemon yet, and also one of the most disturbing. He could talk, guys! And in this movie, everyone got to have their own Pokemon battles instead of attention whore Ash getting to show off his trainer skills all the time. Ash, your best friends are GYM LEADERS. You can't honestly think you're cooler than them. And, fittingly, Misty's battle against Entei's hostage Molly was probably the coolest. Pokemon 3 was just the right movie at the right time for me. Maybe it's all nostalgia, but, well, oh well. I think I'll always love this movie even so. (Oh, and P.S. this movie had the single BEST short. Pichu Bros. for the win!)

BONUS: Mewtwo Returns

This is the only true direct-to-video release in the Pokemon series. It was horrible. I had to sit through this thing twice and I think I fell asleep both times. The only cool part about it was the cut footage from the first movie that they used as a selling point - "The Untold Story of Mewtwo." It elaborated on Mewtwo's decidedly way-too-awesome-for-American-audiences back story. It was cool, but it wasn't anywhere near as exciting as I'd hoped. After that the movie is just painful to watch. If this was on my countdown, it'd definitely be in last place. Seriously. NEVER WATCH THIS, EVER.

So, thank you for reading my long and very Pokemon-y rant. If you think I'm insane, you're right. If you think my list is incorrect, however, YOU'RE INCORRECT. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. *slams door dramatically* But please check back tomorrow. Please!

Shakin' My Weight Like Yeah

I'm a lazy hobo-in-training so today I asked my bro "Checkahs" (not his real name, thank goodness) to write me a guest blog. Here it is, in its EDITED and AWESOME form. If anyone else wants to write a guest blog, JUST ASK. I'm always lazy and I like mocking your horrible writing JAY KAY Y'ALL

I recently found out about a new fitness program around a new device called a Shake Weight, which has too many parodies to count. The exercises have clear sexual innuendos and seem unnecessary, but that’s not the worse part.

On vacation I found that they made a Shake Weight for Men; you need to see the workouts for those as well. With everyone just grunting and sweating like crazy, you have to realize what they actually are doing: holding something that is shaking. Does anyone even care what dynamic inertia is besides physics peeps….no. The guys in the commercial just make weird open-mouthed gestures and then end with a final grunt. could get a toner body without looking so gay (sorry gay people, it’s not your fault).

Anywho… I’m pretty sure the only buyers of these products are the female counterparts who think their partners need a boost. For me, I would rather use that board where the users just shout at you, it's really empowering, or that P90X workout (they have yoga :D)

Don’t get me started on the women’s Shake Weight. The commercial is basically the same without the buff dudes, expressing the awesome power of dynamic inertia!! You can make anything look dynamic with italics. They just say that it’s so hard for women to find exercises for their arms, it’s called a freakin’ dumbbell curl, idiot. The commercial also seems like the users are pedestrians on the street, how does that conversation play out? Excuse me, can you please place this weight in your hand and let it shake for a minute?

It could be good training for a seizure victim or capturing a spazzy dog, but that’s all it has running for it. NO ONE should buy this product.

P.S. You should look at the parodies [of the ads] on your own time; they have rather suggestive material. See them here and here.

P.P.S Stay golden pony-boy(z).

Relevant Things Going On in My Life Right Now #4

I have no clue who that chick on the left is. So don't ask.

Have you guys ever seen The Dish on Style Network? Oh, that's right, I forgot. You guys actually have better things to do than watch reruns of Clean House all day long.Well, basically the show just rips-off The Soup but is more woman-centric. Thus, it is also less funny. YOOOOW! It's hosted by Topanga from Boy Meets World, who is the large woman in the picture. She's gotten, well, quite large over the years.

But that's not all!:

• 10 Things I Hate About You: The movie used to be one of my least favorites EVER, but in my quest to become the Coolest Joseph Gordon-Levitt Fan in History or something moronic and pointless like that it was necessary to give it another chance. I still think it's a terrible movie. It doesn't age well - it's INCREDIBLY 90s. That being said, it was tolerable. Heath Ledger, JGL, and David Krumholtz all gave fun performances and their characters made me trudge through the movie. Although JGL played the irritating and dull archetype of the Loser-ish Kid Pining For Inexplicably Attractive Vapid Valley Girl, he did it with STYLE! (When I hear anyone say "with style!" I think of Buzz Lightyear instantly. Oh, Toy Story. You're my best friend.) SO. While I can't recommend this movie, if I ever find myself at your house and you put it on, I will only whine for one hour as opposed to three. 
Smart Guy: There's some new channel called Centric that was airing a Smart Guy marathon today. Man, I love that show. Really! I also love Sister, Sister, which, if it was ever remade, I could DEFINITELY star in. It's about biracial twins! I can play that in my sleep! But anyway, Smart Guy has a cool premise that is executed in a stupid-but-hilarious way. T.J. is the bomb, as is his brother Marcus. MARCUS. And then Marcus' friend! I can't remember his name but I think he used to be my favorite character. And T.J.'s dad is so nice! His sister I couldn't care less about, though. Do you guys like T.J. Mowry or Tia and Tamara Mowry better? I can't choose :(
Weekend Box Office: Excitement! The excellent blog that you guys should follow The Playlist reports that Inception came in first this weekend with $60 million. This was expected, although it is perhaps even a tad higher than initial projections. I'm really happy! I hope that the drop-down percentage is slow and this movie will make back its budget multiple times due to strong word-of-mouth. (Read my mini-review for the movie here.) Other new release The Sorcerer's Apprentice opened in a VERY weak third. Read the post I linked for some really good reasoning as to why that is. It's too bad, really, because I like Jay Baruchel and I wish him ETERNAL HAPPINESS. But he'll be okay.
Cheap Trick: I'm just randomly listening to them over and over again today. My favorites are, very boringly, "Surrender," "Hello There," and my number one favorite is "I Want You to Want Me." They're actually a pretty awesome band - not that I doubted otherwise! But Robin Zander has a really good voice - singing AND speaking! SOMEONE RECOMMEND ME MORE CHEAP TRICK SONGS. NOW.
K.K. Slider: He's the adorable singing dog from Animal Crossing! That game is one of my favorites of all zee times. It's just so nice. I played the GameCube one for HOURS. Possibly over 100 hours in fact. I'll never know for sure. My favorite part of the game was being serenaded by K.K. on Saturday night and then getting a bootleg of the song to play in your house. My two favorite K.K. songs are "K.K. Rock" and "K.K. Parade." Unfortunately, the bootleg of "Parade" really sucks. Only K.K. himself does it justice. "Rock" is one of my favorite songs ever, no joke. It really is. It's been stuck in my head every single day of the last week. Here it is in video form (fast-forward a little to :30-ish):
 
Lisa Simpson: Lisa Simpson is my favorite Simpson, followed by Bart. This review of "Moaning Lisa" paints her, however, as a lovable but fun-killing kid. I agree that she is the most human of the family, but there are TONS of moments where you see her acting like a crazy kid like everyone else. She does like Itchy and Scratchy after all. Read the comments as people talk about how they can (or can't) relate to Lisa and why. It's interesting. And since it's the AV Club, it's also funny. 

I think it's pretty cool that I managed to avoid doing one of these for the first 2 weeks of this month. Last month I did two of these! But I enjoy my Relevant Things series since it gives me more to talk about. It's kind of redundant to say "in my life" though because I never think about anything else than pop culture-type stuff, anyway.

P.S. Still working on the Bieber story...you'll get to read it, eventually.

Girl, Quit Playin'!

I wanted to post my Justin Bieber story today, but since it's still unfinished, I've decided to discuss something else Bieber-related:

I've called out "Baby" for its suckiness in the past. But I'll admit that I might have let bias seep through and shape my opinion when I said that. I stand by some things I said: the lyrics are mostly horrible, aside from my beloved Ludacris part and some other parts. And "One Time" definitely is A LOT better.

But "Baby" is, in fact, one of J. Bieb's best. Good job, Biebs!



"One Time" is a victim of major auto-tuning. Biebs' voice is masked by lots of computerized effects. SO NOT COOL. It does feature Biebs' only good piece of acting, but the rest of the video sees him acting like a poseur, basically; he throws gang signs and he says "SHAWTY I LOOOVE YOU" as if he's been cruising in the ATL since Day One. The video glamorizes the Bieber that Usher created, the one that is wholly American. While the song is flippin' sweet as they say in the Land of the Mormons, AKA Utah, the video has some problems. But it does have a lot of hilarious moments where you can really tell that my friend here is a little boy whose just having a megaton of fun (and BOOM goes the dynamite) making a video. And that's what I like. The chorus, too. I love that chorus. LEMME TELL YOU ONE TIME

But the video of "Baby." There's just something there that makes me happy.



Let's analyze "Baby" because we're awesome and have nothing better to do. "Baby" is wholly post-Bieber (I was going to say "Biebian" but we all know that a Biebian is a lesbian that looks like Justin Bieber) - this Bieber already has the girls. He doesn't need to convince them that he loves, that he loves them, because they already know, and they love him, too. And J. says that outright: "I KNOW YOU LUV MEH, I KNOW YOU CAYAH." This seems like it's almost a continuation of "One Time," as if he's singing to that girl as he's talking about how he loves her too and he'll "be theeeyah."

But then things get pretty whack, yo. So whack, in fact, that they almost ruin the song for me. I don't think Biebs' girlfriend understands that when you tell a teenage boy you love him, he thinks that you, um, LOVE HIM. He thinks that you are in a RELATIONSHIP with him. Believe me, I've tried to explain this to her. Girl just don't listen! (Wow, what happened to my grammar?) This girl's ruins Biebs' life (oh god, I almost said "urinates!") as he sings, "Are we an item? Girl, quit playin'! We're just friends, what are you sayin'?" UM. WHAT. Excuse you, Justin Bieber's girlfriend? Do you even understand what you just said?! You spent the first 28 seconds of the video flirting with the guy and telling him you love him and now you're telling him to QUIT PLAYIN' BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS?! WHAT ARE YOU SAYIN'?

Yes, my Paint skills are mediocre.

But even with that major oversight in logic, the video only makes me sort of want to punch everyone. After Bieber is told by the preteen girl who loves him and will never ever be loved by anyone else ever again, she dumps him. Smart girl! But then Biebs whines one of the funniest parts of  the song, "My first love broke my heart for the first time and I was like, 'Baby, baby, baby, OOOH.'" Yes, Biebs. When your heart gets broken by the girl you loved despite her telling you that you weren't even dating, the sensible thing to do is start shaking your fists at the sky and singing, "BABY, OOOH." THAT MAKES COMPLETE AND TOTAL SENSE. WOW. I LOVE YOU. Oh wait, I better not say that because unless I want you to "be like, 'Baby, baby, oooh'" all over again.

The chorus is the worst part of the song. It really is. It's repetitive. It's non-sensical. It's illogical. HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE YOURS WHEN YOU WEREN'T EVEN DATING YOU CHIPMUNKY CANADIAN FOOL? Ugh. (Side note: Crud, I just noticed Drake [AKA Aubrey Graham from Degrassi for those of you in the knooooow] is in this video. Weird.)

But the video itself actually gets totally awesome after the first chorus. The "down, down, down" part of the song is so excellent I can't help but grin like an ugly Brit. J Biebs' dancing to get his girl back is awesome. HE ROLLS OVER A POOL TABLE AND IT'S SO GRAND. His intent to get his baby back is so strong and persuasive that he inspires people to start breakdancing in the bowling alley. It's pretty much official: Justin Bieber is the reincarnation of a Greek god. Maybe even Zeus. He is so powerful that he can get people to dance at his every whim. 

A staple of the best Bieber videos is the scenes where he dances in front of a wall by himself (or, in this video's case, with Ludacris). These are always the best scenes. In "Baby" Bieber just does all of his best, or weirdest, dance moves. He does a Michael Jackson-esque tiptoe as well as something Moonwalk-inspired. He does this cool Electric Slide-type thing. He shakes himself, which is hilarious. He pounds his chest a lot. Justin B. really is a pretty good dancer. He's also a really strange kid. Evidence, here: 

Sorry the .gif is so choppy. But I think you get the point. Soon enough the girl, who actually looks a lot older than Justin Bieber in a bad way, starts to see the error of her ways. You can tell that she's thinking in her head, "Wow. I'm a total jerk." She was being a jerk to him, y'know. And it's not just me being biased against her because he's my friend. She ignored him and pushed him around. MEANIE. But as Justin Bieber breaks out into a spontaneous choreographed dance in the middle of the stinking bowling lane, that girl realizes that this guy is going to make a ton of money. They'll probably make a movie about him! Maybe she could be in it. Maybe she could meet Usher! How cool would that be?

But she still isn't so sure that she should go back to him. This becomes clear to Justin Bieber's producers, so with a cry of "LUDA!" Ludacris appears in front of Justin's wall. It's all over now. This is Ludacris, people. No one can turn down Ludacris even if they tried. Not only that but Luda wants to make his young protege Bieber feel better. If Biebs is Zeus then Ludacris is Kronos, waiting to be overthrown by his son, but not before they release a music video together! His rap is my single favorite part of the song. I actually sing it constantly. "When I was firteen, I had mah first luv; there was nobody that could compare to my baby, no one could ever come between us, no one could evah come above!" In the video you mostly just see Ludacris and Bieber goofing off in-between shots of Biebs mugging for the camera and just looking generally Woodland creature-like. Bieber mocking Ludacris and then being strangled by him is pretty adorable. (Wait. What?) 

Ludacris tells Bieber he went through the heartbreak, too, but he just keeps on saying...you think he's going to give some major words of inspiration, but no: he says, "BABY BABY BABY OOOH." Luda. I don't think you get it, Luda. BIEBER HAS BEEN SAYING "BABY OOH" THIS ENTIRE TIME. YOU REALLY ARE NOT HELPING HIM. AT ALL. That whole rap, for naught! For naught, Ludacris! Bieber just goes back to his old gig of dancing awesomely and in sync with people much older than him in the hopes that this will entice his baby to come back to him. But if his not-girlfriend is anything like me, then she should've flown the coup by now. However, this IS a Bieber video, so she probably can't find a door, anyway. Lost and hopeless, she begins to dance across from Bieber like a minion of his little Dancing Army. It's girls vs. boys now. Why the girls are siding with this chick, I don't know, but that's how it is. That's how Bieber wanted it.

The girl smiles and Bieber breaks away from his bro pack to have flirting time with the girl in the middle of the bowling alley. This Bieber kid really doesn't have any problems with PDA, huh? I WOULD KNOW. BELIEVE ME. Soon enough Bieber starts saying, "And I'm all gone," which leads someone who isn't actually watching the video to believe he's committed suicide or something, because never in the song does he say anything other than "BABY NOOO" to indicate that she has come back to him. If I was listening to this on the radio, I would be shocked to hear him saying this, to hear him just abruptly allude to his disappearance...disappearance from this EARTH. Obviously in the video this is not the case. In the video it really just means, "Yo, peace, I be outtie wif mah fly honey." (Side note: she is not very fly at all. A catty girl's opinion.) But if we want to get really insane with this, which we certainly do, then we can say that maybe Bieber killed himself from loneliness and then only got together with his girl in the afterlife. Those shots in that Vegas-looking area would represent the dead Bieber. They descend the escalator and into the light together.

Dang. I'm messed up.

I hope that satiates your Bieber needs until I finish my story. It's weird, because I'm not a fan of him or anything. I mean, we're just friends and all. But he's just such a funny character to me. I think it's because he's the chipmunkiest pop star since Jesse McCartney.

Inception Mini-Review

Whoa. Just saw Inception. You know it, obviously - it's been hyped by pretty much everyone you know for the last YEAR, since that very first teaser trailer came out. But now that it's out, we all have to wonder - does it live up to the hype?

Well, yes, I'd say so. For the most part.

This is a mini-review. I don't think we (okay, I) here at FWSF have ever done one of those. EXPLANATION TIME WHOO: Basically I'm going to sum up everything in bullet points. It's easier and you're more likely to read it without getting bored! (Hopefully.) Think of it as my notes. WARNING FOR POSSIBLE SPOILERS. I'll try to be a little vague.

• The acting was awesome - for me the standouts were Leo, JGL, Ellen Page, and I guess Tom Hardy. Leo played the tortured married man/dream thief - his usual trope, obviously. But darnit if he's not one of the best guys acting today at playing a tortured soul. 
• I'm conflicted as to whether I'd consider Cillian Murphy's acting to be good; his character, although written multi-dimensionally, it seemed, did not seem to feel. He cried at one point, but I didn't get a good sense for who he was because the acting was cold. It was hard to connect with him.
• On that note - this movie is really one without a clear villain. It may seem like it from the beginning, but eventually the villains become friends. For a movie like this, a thriller, a heist, it seems like there -must- be a villain, but somehow it works without one. Perhaps because there are always people shooting at each other.
• The awesome scenes with JGL being thrown around in the hallway, floating around (they're seen in the trailers, you know what I'm talking about) - so cool. I love trying to figure out how that stuff works. It really amazes me. I know that it was done with sets - but how the heck could they have them floating in the air? That's something I'll be thinking about until I buy the Blu-ray and watch the special features that will hopefully cover the Making Of.   
• Ellen Page was a college student in FRANCE. Why did she have a Nova Scotian accent? Was she French-Canadian? It's a nitpick but IT BUGS ME. P.S. Michael Caine rules, bye

OKAY THESE ARE ALL SPOILERS NOW:

• The last third of the movie was the weakest. Once they got into that third dream, on that snowy mountain, it started to get complicated. The premise of this movie alone seems complicated, but it's well-explained. However, the third dream was not. It was unclear to me what the real goal was, and since everyone and everything was covered in white, it was hard to see who was who. When Tom Hardy was attacking someone, it was hard to be sure that it was not actually the other way around. 
• Limbo - the concept should make sense but Chris Nolan complicated it. At least, for me. Also in that limbo part it was incredibly infuriating that there was SO MUCH TALKING. The snappy dialogue is what sets the movie apart from your typical summer action film, but in this scene I just kept wishing that Leo would punch Marion Cotillard in the face.
• On that note - MARION COTILLARD. Her character was so stinking irritating. Maybe that was the point? She was a psychotic witch who was torturing Leo. If that was the goal then she succeeded. But I really dreaded seeing her on screen once it was revealed she was dead. She was cool when she was trying to kill everyone. 
• Her childhood home - it seemed like they were going to explain her childhood, why it was so important. They were setting things up for a BIG SCENE OF EXPLANATION AND LOTS OF FLASHBACKS but nothing ever came. It was a red herring and annoying at that. 
• JGL and Ellen Page - well, actually, Ariadne and Arthur. (Aren't those names adorable by the way?) I'm sure there's going to be tons of fanfiction about them now. I went into this movie thinking that they were going to avoid romance, but obviously they didn't. Although it was brief, anyway. But I think that scene made everyone love Arthur a little more.
• The ending. If you've seen the movie, let's discuss it in the comments. Mark for spoilers. My personal opinion is that the totem falls down, and that it's NOT a dream. But maybe I'm optimistic. God, I hope not. It better all be real! But the callback to the beginning (I actually love frame narratives even though they're done WAY too frequently) was confusing. Obviously Ken Watanabe had been there for a long time, since he was an old guy with lots and lots of makeup. But Leo? What about him? Do we all have our own limbos? But Leo told Ariadne that he had to go find Ken. How did he know that he was even dead? It couldn't have taken THAT long to find him, because he woke up before the flight was over. But Ken Watanabe had grown so old. That's the problem. That's the case against my opinion. That's why most people will say that the ending was a dream. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS CHRIS NOLAN WHY

SPOILERS ARE OVER PEOPLE STOP FREAKING OUT NOW

So, while the movie has some missteps, it's something that I think most people will not forget anytime soon. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions that I know I'll be thinking about for a long, long time. Maybe it didn't live up to all of that insurmountable hype, but nothing does. (Except, maybe, The Dark Knight.) It'll probably make you angry - but in a good way. The movie that makes you feel something is the movie that succeeds.

Also, Leo has a really big, squishy head in it. And everyone wears snazzy suits. So you kind of have to see it for that. (Yes, I'm aware that Leo's head is ALWAYS squishy. But it's especially squishy when he's wearing a suit.)

Inception gets 4 and a half Joseph Gordon-Levitt's being mocked by Tom Hardy's out of 5.

Ashamed and Barely Awake

Right now I'm writing something that I hope to get posted for tomorrow/Saturday. Guess what it is? GUESS.

No, whatever you guessed is wrong. I'm writing a story starting Justin Bieber. And it's truly awesome. Maybe you'll get to read it. I hope so, because I really like it. J. Biebs is kind of stupid, kind of jerky in it, but that's what makes it fun. If I post it, then consider this my apology in advance.

I'm pretty tired and don't feel like writing much so I'm just going to leave you a bunch of articles that you should read. Consider it your homework even though it's not graded or even looked at. LIKE ENGLISH 9 HONORS WITH SCHLIEFY HOMEWORK! OR ENGLISH 10 HONORS HOMEWORK! OR AP LANG HOMEWORK! (oh, you know it's true.)

• Whatever Happened to the Box-Office Bomb? from Slate.com
• Vampire Weekend Sued by Contra Cover Model from The AV Club
• Work of Art Recap by Judge Jerry Saltz from New York.com
• Warner Gambles On an Unproven Commodity (Inception) from The L.A. Times

Have a good day. Let me know what you think of those (relatively short!) articles when you read them, which you most definitely will. Right?