Top Chef: Just DRAMA (Or A Pun to That Effect)

MAN. MAN! Major stuff just went down on Top Chef: Just Desserts, man! AND I AM STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF PROCESSIN'. THIS MAY TAKE A MOMENT.

[a moment]

Okay!

So if you haven't been watching, then you don't know who Seth is. This is sad. I pity you. Seth is one of the greatest gifts television has received since whatever that last greatest gift was. (Alec Baldwin, maybe?) Seth was the mentally ill guy with obvious mommy issues who managed to have a meltdown about everything. "Hey, Seth, pass me that spoon, would you?" "Spoon? What are you talking about? Who do you think I am? I can't work like this! I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! SOMEONE HOLD ME! I NEED A CREAMSICLE AND A HUG RIGHT. NOW. MOMMY!" Or perhaps, "Seth, I think you are a talented pastry chef." "WELL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN GO [censored] YOUR [censored] [censored] AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAN? I DON'T NEED THIS. I'M GONNA GET ME A FINANCIER AND A SAMMICH AND I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE THERE REALLY ISN'T ANYWHERE TO GO, SO, YEAH."

Yes, that is Seth in a nutshell. Obviously, he is hysterical. How I adore laughing at the mentally unstable on TV! This is what America's about, baby! HECK YEAH AMERICA. While the show has a lot of other good qualities (I mean, it has the word "dessert" in the title; there's no way you can get me to NOT watch it unless "dessert" is preceded by "Twilight-Inspired" or "Very Unappetizing," although I'd probably watch the latter anyway because I'm bored), the best thing about it was quite obviously Seth's really, really demented persona that was unclear as to whether or not it was put on.

Today's episode, which I'm still in the middle of watching, started with what was an excellently absurd tantrum brought to us by our bro. The Quickfire Challenge was to use ice cream and other items to make a sundae. "Can we make our own ice cream?" neurotic Seth asked once Gail stopped yapping about how "we have Breyer's! *smile for the camera* ice cream!" "NO, SETH. YOU CAN'T. WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID? LIKE. WHAT," responded Gail, still smiling for the camera while modeling a carton of Breyer's! ice cream. (Please note: I love Gail, she rules.)

Seth, like any sensible human being would when faced with the fact that there are no options but Breyer's!, proceeded to flip out.

All of the other contestants (yes, oddly enough, there are people on the show OTHER than just Seth!) rolled their eyes and chanted all of the curses of death that they could remember in their heads as Seth screamed "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COOK WITH THAT [censored] [censored]?! MY MOMMY WOULD NOT APPROVE!" Then, trying to ease back onto the ground, Seth looked for "his" paper cups. "Hey. Where the [censored] [censored] are my paper cups?!" [/Arrested Development reference, although he seriously said this, basically] Since Seth could not find his paper cups, he obviously could never function like a normal person ever again. So, he walked out of the room.

Everyone cheered; Yigit was as ecstatic as a person named Yigit can get; Zac's face was as pink as his ascot; that Muppet Danielle grimaced, which in her language is a sign of pleasure; Eric continued to look far older than he actually is, but regardless, he was happy.

But then Yigit, who has inordinately large ears (as well as amounts of screen time), heard sirens. "SIRENS? WHAT?! HOW COULD THIS BE? Does this mean we're actually in the real world and not Just Desserts Land like Bravo told us? SO I COULD HAVE BEEN CALLING MY MOM? Lame." But the sirens not only let us know that there was a real world out there, but that also, Seth kind of had an anxiety attack and was lying on the ground. The ambulance came and he claimed to have "never had an anxiety attack before." Right, Seth. Right.

Seth got taken away and things started to feel weird. Would he come back? Would neighborhood children from that savage, cruel real world pelt the ambulance with pastries? The answers, in order, are NO and LIKE I KNOW, WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

That's right. Seth got taken away in the ambulance and was "not deemed fit to compete any longer." Apparently NO ONE HAD EVER SEEN THE FOOTAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS THREE EPISODES, BUT OKAY. How this man passed any mental health test is beyond me, first of all, but because of this anxiety attack, Seth was gone, and so was my love for the show.

Johnny came in to tell the chefs what had happened. Unfortunately, he assumed that they would care and feel badly. He was quite wrong.

Johhny: "Hey guys. Sorry to tell you this, but Seth just got taken in an ambulance and won't be coming back. He had an anxiety attack so he's no longer fit to compete."
Everyone else: "Hooray! Now our non-existent personalities will get some screen time! And now we won't have anyone to make fun of anymore!"
Johnny: "Wait, so you're happy about this?"
Everyone else: "Of course we are! Now, let's go back to work! We want to make ice cream sundaes and play with each other's hair and smoosh cake all over each other's faces because we're feeling playful and fun! SUNSHINE!"

It was horrible and pathetic and it made me sad. Top Chef: Just Desserts is Top Chef: Sans All of the Fun That Makes You Want to Watch. Goodbye, Seth. I'll miss you and your disturbing sociopathic antics. SO MUCH.

Picture found here.

EDIT: Apparently it was not as obvious to people other than myself that Seth was merely a character; the likelihood that the Seth that exists outside of Top Chef is nearly as disturbed or even "mentally ill" as he appears to be on the show is low. OF COURSE I don't find REAL "mentally ill" people entertaining in the slightest; it's called a joke, pathetic, mediocre, exploitative, or unfunny it may be.

If you find this rant boring, pathetic, or you thought that Seth's treatment on the show was exploitative, then, well, why are you reading, anyway? Please go use your time more productively while I go cough like a Japanese schoolgirl. "Cough desu! COUGH DESU!" *dramatic sigh*