Girl, Quit Playin'!

I wanted to post my Justin Bieber story today, but since it's still unfinished, I've decided to discuss something else Bieber-related:

I've called out "Baby" for its suckiness in the past. But I'll admit that I might have let bias seep through and shape my opinion when I said that. I stand by some things I said: the lyrics are mostly horrible, aside from my beloved Ludacris part and some other parts. And "One Time" definitely is A LOT better.

But "Baby" is, in fact, one of J. Bieb's best. Good job, Biebs!



"One Time" is a victim of major auto-tuning. Biebs' voice is masked by lots of computerized effects. SO NOT COOL. It does feature Biebs' only good piece of acting, but the rest of the video sees him acting like a poseur, basically; he throws gang signs and he says "SHAWTY I LOOOVE YOU" as if he's been cruising in the ATL since Day One. The video glamorizes the Bieber that Usher created, the one that is wholly American. While the song is flippin' sweet as they say in the Land of the Mormons, AKA Utah, the video has some problems. But it does have a lot of hilarious moments where you can really tell that my friend here is a little boy whose just having a megaton of fun (and BOOM goes the dynamite) making a video. And that's what I like. The chorus, too. I love that chorus. LEMME TELL YOU ONE TIME

But the video of "Baby." There's just something there that makes me happy.



Let's analyze "Baby" because we're awesome and have nothing better to do. "Baby" is wholly post-Bieber (I was going to say "Biebian" but we all know that a Biebian is a lesbian that looks like Justin Bieber) - this Bieber already has the girls. He doesn't need to convince them that he loves, that he loves them, because they already know, and they love him, too. And J. says that outright: "I KNOW YOU LUV MEH, I KNOW YOU CAYAH." This seems like it's almost a continuation of "One Time," as if he's singing to that girl as he's talking about how he loves her too and he'll "be theeeyah."

But then things get pretty whack, yo. So whack, in fact, that they almost ruin the song for me. I don't think Biebs' girlfriend understands that when you tell a teenage boy you love him, he thinks that you, um, LOVE HIM. He thinks that you are in a RELATIONSHIP with him. Believe me, I've tried to explain this to her. Girl just don't listen! (Wow, what happened to my grammar?) This girl's ruins Biebs' life (oh god, I almost said "urinates!") as he sings, "Are we an item? Girl, quit playin'! We're just friends, what are you sayin'?" UM. WHAT. Excuse you, Justin Bieber's girlfriend? Do you even understand what you just said?! You spent the first 28 seconds of the video flirting with the guy and telling him you love him and now you're telling him to QUIT PLAYIN' BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS?! WHAT ARE YOU SAYIN'?

Yes, my Paint skills are mediocre.

But even with that major oversight in logic, the video only makes me sort of want to punch everyone. After Bieber is told by the preteen girl who loves him and will never ever be loved by anyone else ever again, she dumps him. Smart girl! But then Biebs whines one of the funniest parts of  the song, "My first love broke my heart for the first time and I was like, 'Baby, baby, baby, OOOH.'" Yes, Biebs. When your heart gets broken by the girl you loved despite her telling you that you weren't even dating, the sensible thing to do is start shaking your fists at the sky and singing, "BABY, OOOH." THAT MAKES COMPLETE AND TOTAL SENSE. WOW. I LOVE YOU. Oh wait, I better not say that because unless I want you to "be like, 'Baby, baby, oooh'" all over again.

The chorus is the worst part of the song. It really is. It's repetitive. It's non-sensical. It's illogical. HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE YOURS WHEN YOU WEREN'T EVEN DATING YOU CHIPMUNKY CANADIAN FOOL? Ugh. (Side note: Crud, I just noticed Drake [AKA Aubrey Graham from Degrassi for those of you in the knooooow] is in this video. Weird.)

But the video itself actually gets totally awesome after the first chorus. The "down, down, down" part of the song is so excellent I can't help but grin like an ugly Brit. J Biebs' dancing to get his girl back is awesome. HE ROLLS OVER A POOL TABLE AND IT'S SO GRAND. His intent to get his baby back is so strong and persuasive that he inspires people to start breakdancing in the bowling alley. It's pretty much official: Justin Bieber is the reincarnation of a Greek god. Maybe even Zeus. He is so powerful that he can get people to dance at his every whim. 

A staple of the best Bieber videos is the scenes where he dances in front of a wall by himself (or, in this video's case, with Ludacris). These are always the best scenes. In "Baby" Bieber just does all of his best, or weirdest, dance moves. He does a Michael Jackson-esque tiptoe as well as something Moonwalk-inspired. He does this cool Electric Slide-type thing. He shakes himself, which is hilarious. He pounds his chest a lot. Justin B. really is a pretty good dancer. He's also a really strange kid. Evidence, here: 

Sorry the .gif is so choppy. But I think you get the point. Soon enough the girl, who actually looks a lot older than Justin Bieber in a bad way, starts to see the error of her ways. You can tell that she's thinking in her head, "Wow. I'm a total jerk." She was being a jerk to him, y'know. And it's not just me being biased against her because he's my friend. She ignored him and pushed him around. MEANIE. But as Justin Bieber breaks out into a spontaneous choreographed dance in the middle of the stinking bowling lane, that girl realizes that this guy is going to make a ton of money. They'll probably make a movie about him! Maybe she could be in it. Maybe she could meet Usher! How cool would that be?

But she still isn't so sure that she should go back to him. This becomes clear to Justin Bieber's producers, so with a cry of "LUDA!" Ludacris appears in front of Justin's wall. It's all over now. This is Ludacris, people. No one can turn down Ludacris even if they tried. Not only that but Luda wants to make his young protege Bieber feel better. If Biebs is Zeus then Ludacris is Kronos, waiting to be overthrown by his son, but not before they release a music video together! His rap is my single favorite part of the song. I actually sing it constantly. "When I was firteen, I had mah first luv; there was nobody that could compare to my baby, no one could ever come between us, no one could evah come above!" In the video you mostly just see Ludacris and Bieber goofing off in-between shots of Biebs mugging for the camera and just looking generally Woodland creature-like. Bieber mocking Ludacris and then being strangled by him is pretty adorable. (Wait. What?) 

Ludacris tells Bieber he went through the heartbreak, too, but he just keeps on saying...you think he's going to give some major words of inspiration, but no: he says, "BABY BABY BABY OOOH." Luda. I don't think you get it, Luda. BIEBER HAS BEEN SAYING "BABY OOH" THIS ENTIRE TIME. YOU REALLY ARE NOT HELPING HIM. AT ALL. That whole rap, for naught! For naught, Ludacris! Bieber just goes back to his old gig of dancing awesomely and in sync with people much older than him in the hopes that this will entice his baby to come back to him. But if his not-girlfriend is anything like me, then she should've flown the coup by now. However, this IS a Bieber video, so she probably can't find a door, anyway. Lost and hopeless, she begins to dance across from Bieber like a minion of his little Dancing Army. It's girls vs. boys now. Why the girls are siding with this chick, I don't know, but that's how it is. That's how Bieber wanted it.

The girl smiles and Bieber breaks away from his bro pack to have flirting time with the girl in the middle of the bowling alley. This Bieber kid really doesn't have any problems with PDA, huh? I WOULD KNOW. BELIEVE ME. Soon enough Bieber starts saying, "And I'm all gone," which leads someone who isn't actually watching the video to believe he's committed suicide or something, because never in the song does he say anything other than "BABY NOOO" to indicate that she has come back to him. If I was listening to this on the radio, I would be shocked to hear him saying this, to hear him just abruptly allude to his disappearance...disappearance from this EARTH. Obviously in the video this is not the case. In the video it really just means, "Yo, peace, I be outtie wif mah fly honey." (Side note: she is not very fly at all. A catty girl's opinion.) But if we want to get really insane with this, which we certainly do, then we can say that maybe Bieber killed himself from loneliness and then only got together with his girl in the afterlife. Those shots in that Vegas-looking area would represent the dead Bieber. They descend the escalator and into the light together.

Dang. I'm messed up.

I hope that satiates your Bieber needs until I finish my story. It's weird, because I'm not a fan of him or anything. I mean, we're just friends and all. But he's just such a funny character to me. I think it's because he's the chipmunkiest pop star since Jesse McCartney.