Six

I guess you've heard of Glee. If you've ever been around at least one 15-year-old girl, or one 28-year-old guy (yeah, I don't get that, either), then you most certainly have. And if you know about the show, then you probably know that they have the second most obnoxious fanbase out there.

Until last Friday, I considered myself to be sitting on the lowest rung of that scary collective. That is no longer.

What do we blame? We blame "The Power of Madonna."

Background you don't care about: I stinking hate Madonna. Yeah, her songs are "catchy." Yeah, her style was cool. Whatever. I don't care. I don't like her. (And Desperately Seeking Susan was so bad that I couldn't watch more than 45 minutes of it. Sorry.)

For some reason, Ryan Murphy and his gang of gal pal writers thought that people my age and younger/very slightly older idolized Madonna. They also thought a lot of other stupid things that they deserve to be slapped for: they thought they knew what was a satire was. They thought they knew what a capella was. They thought they knew that it's totally cool to leave the toilet seat up in the bathroom. (FYI, it's not. At all. So put that seat down before I jam it up a place it shouldn't go...yeah, no, I won't do that. But please, I appeal to you, put that toilet seat down. Do you know how many animals die from falling into the toilet each day? MILLIONS. Yeah. Think about that.)

In actuality, they knew nothing. I was enticed by Glee at first by the happy-go-lucky musical numbers by some truly good singers and the promise of satire. I was let down, again and again. For thirteen weeks in a row, I was let down. Those musical numbers? Yeah, they weren't even live. They were overproduced and Auto-Tuned so much that even T-Pain would cry from the sheer faux perfection. That satire? Excuse me, what satire? How is this supposed to be the anti-High School Musical, again? Oh, because you have like fifteen pregnant characters? Oh, that's original! Oh, because the obviously gay kid actually comes out of the closet? Oh, that's original! (Even more original is that the fat black girl with the awesome voice, yet another innovation by the Glee creators, fell in love with him because she COULDN'T TELL HE WAS GAY. YEAH. THAT WOULD TOTALLY HAPPEN, RYAN MURPHY. TOTALLY. And when he came out of the closet, he cried and acted as if NO ONE COULD TELL. SERIOUSLY GUYS. ROUND OF APPLAUSE.) Oh, because the high school sophomores are played by some blatantly obvious 28-year-olds? Have you seen Dawson's Creek, Ryan Murphy? How old did you think they were? 16? HA. FUNNY.

 Oh, is this another example of your winning satire, Glee gang? Oh, that's just precious.

The show is not tongue-in-cheek. The show is a teen drama. All of the good reviews it gets are by people who want so badly for it to be good that they read all of this (melo)drama crud into it. I mean, dear god, people. Really? "Glee is one of the darkest shows on television. When Rachel sings 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' to herself with her hairbrush, it really shows how lonely she is inside; in fact, it may even be a metaphor for the suicidal tendencies she will most definitely soon display in an upcoming episode, and it gives her some great characterization and emotional depth." NO. NO. THE GIRL IS SINGING WITH A HAIRBRUSH. SHE IS NOT PROUST. SHUT UP. 

Why the heck do you hire Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison if they're NOT EVEN GOING TO SING LIVE? Oh, because you want those stupid little girls who are going to buy the songs off iTunes later to be able to hear the exact same song? WHO CARES? Obviously Ryan Bleeding Murphy cares more about his brand than his integrity. But then again, WHAT STINKING INTEGRITY? THIS IS THE GUY WHO MADE THE SHOW ABOUT PLASTIC SURGERY GUEST-STARRING ROSIE O'DONALD.

Despite the overproduction, the music is the best part of the show. But is that saying much? Because the writing is horrible, the editing makes me want to punch babies, the acting is sub-par, the smugness, the self-righteousness, the awkwardness, everything ignites a fire in me. A FIRE THAT BUUUURNS. This fire is outta control -- wait, this is not the time to be singing that.

So, what does Madonna have to do with me going from enjoying this show, despite pointing out its very obvious and numerous flaws, to hating it so much that I am forced to write a long and angry post punctuated with obnoxious capitalization? Because last week they showed "the" Madonna episode. Yes, as if every show worth its weight in anything needs a Madonna-centric episode. And the Madonna episode was probably the worst episode I have seen of this show so far. In fact, it's one of the worst episodes I've seen of any show this year. And I watch The Office on a regular basis! (Oh, snap. If you want to hear me rant about that show, then you'll have to give me another good three hours. We'll save that for another day.)

But first, the good. Um. Jonathan Groff was there. I love Jonathan Groff. I mean, he was pretty bad, but just the fact that he was there was nice. Um, the 4 Minutes scene was pretty awesome? Yeah. That's kind of it.

The bad? Um, does "everything else" count? Sue Sylvester just isn't that funny. That "Vogue" scene was sososososososo bad I can't even begin to explain it. The "Like a Virgin" scene? No. No. No. NO ONE DOES THAT. NOT EVEN IN DREAM SEQUENCES. And they tried to make that scene so "powerful," so interesting, but really, it wasn't. It was so painful for me to watch that whatever sad poignance it was supposed to have was totally lost on me.

This show just tries to do too much in too short of a time. It tries so hard. It's like that annoying girl in your tenth grade Earth Science class who is like, "Yeah, I do this, this, and this, and I'm awesome, and I'm so good at everything I do, because I do a lot and that makes me awesome and yeah and stuff and um, crud, do we have a test today, because I totally did not study, like, at all" and then they go and they suck at everything they try to do, and you would applaud them for their effort if they weren't so annoying, and then you have to be fake friends with them because you don't want to be mean and then you go and you take to your little blog and you go and you rant like crazy and everyone has no choice but to agree with you because you are so irritated. Yeah. It's exactly like that.

Glee. It's definitely not as bad as that show I saw once on ABC after Modern Family, The Middle, but what makes it so irritating to me is that people seem to be oblivious to its flaws. People can't watch it with a true unbiased eye because of the sparkly magic power of MUSIC by "HIGH SCHOOLERS" who are SO VERY DIVERSE. I mean, there's even a dude in a WHEELCHAIR SINGING! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE 'EM?

Well, for me, I find it very easy. Try to watch that Madonna episode because it was really, really bad. I can't talk too much about it because my arm is starting to hurt and I might have to bite it off soon if I keep typing. Maybe the show will pick up, but personally, I doubt it, and I don't even know if I want to stick around to see if it does. I'll probably wait out Jonathan Groff's guest appearance and then just cut ties with this machine. Glee's on tonight (Tuesday) at some time that I can't remember on FOX if you care to check it out for yourself.

Remember That SNL Post From A Week Ago?

Yeah, well, I hadn't seen this yet: ZACH GALIFIANAKIS HOSTING. Zach G. is my rock. He is my sovereign. He is my bearded guidance. He is my EVERYTHING.

Well, not really. But I think he's hilarious, and that's more than I can say for most people. Seriously, Between Two Ferns is required viewing for readers of this blog. I knew he was hosting but then I forgot because, well, it's Saturday Night Live and it sucks.

But today I came home with a migraine so I decided, what the heck, let's watch something on Hulu. Originally I was going to watch Gabba Gabba Rey!, who hosted last Saturday, but then I saw a beard with Zach G.'s eyes above it, staring at me, and I had to watch.

HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE THEM!

OHEMGEEEEE DYING HERE. Bullet points!

• "It's great to be back hosting Saturday Night Live..."
• "Putting on chapstick daintily"
• "Homeless professor;" "Vice President of Ultimate Frisbee;" "Alpaca message boards"
• "I live in Brooklyn...and I hate it." I guess a lot of hipsters are in the audience.
• "Excuse me, I've been in Canada...opening up for Miles Davis. Kilometers Davis."
• "I like dark comedies; that's why I like the Wayans Bros." I cracked up at that one. That is just bad. Love it.
• "I went to my high school reunion awhile ago, and it was very weird because I was home schooled...and why I rented that limousine, I have no idea."
• "That is so Raven." He uses that joke a lot, but it's still funny.
• He doesn't really have a blog :(
• "Hoobastank is here!" Hoobastank. Haven't heard that name in awhile. Not since the last Singstar party. Oh, Singstar.

Digital short, so of course it's awesome. I think if Zach Galifianakis crashed the set of some show that I was watching, I'd freak out due to fear and amazement. Dude, if Zach G. crashed The Tyra Show or something horrible like that, I would love it. I would die. And then Tyra would bring me back to life so she can hold onto each and every viewer she has with those disgusting Tyra-fingers of hers and then I would die again.

Zach G. AND Vampire Weekend?! Seriously, why did I not watch this live? Contra stuff isn't that good live but the band is too adorable for it to be a big deal. I love Ezra's new hair, and did he grow five inches? Because he is usually not that tall. And Rostam has this weird way of dragging his feet while he plays guitar that I can totally relate to because I can't dance/stand up like a normal person, either. During the bridge, Ezra was watching him with the intent of a love-stricken bachelor. He, too, was enamored by his band mate's oddness. Oh, and I picked their "Cousins" performance over "Giving Up the Gun" because "Cousins" is a way stinking better song. I could go on and on and on and on about this but I'll stop geeking out now and move on.

PAUL RUDD TOO? And Frank Rich, whose presence/existence I find hysterical because he has the same name as my dad except backwards?! WHAT IS THIS? WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS? This sketch was not particularly funny other than Paul Rudd's being there and Kenan calling Frank Rich "sexy and sinister" and his "wut" face afterwards, but that "What's Up With That" song is going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Zach's outfit was great and I liked Jason Sudeikis', too. And his dancing! We dance similarly, except his dancing is actually SOMEWHAT DECENT. Yeah, I'm feeling self-conscious about my dancing today. Isn't that random?

Whatever, here's "Giving Up the Gun." I have to post it for Rostam's Michael Jackson faces. He looks like Michael Jackson! And why did Chris Tom change his shirt? ...Can I have his old one? Oh, and Chris Baio's footwork is cool. Am I the only one who sees a slight resemblance between Ezra and Devon Werkheiser?

Oh, dear.

Well, that was awesome. I think I feel a little better now. Thank you, Zach Galifianakis. You may look like Marijuana Santa Claus, but to me, you're...well, yeah, I don't know, I guess you're just Marijuana Santa Claus.

Go watch Between Two Ferns now while I watch the Gabba Gabba Rey! episode. Bye.

Thinking

 "He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the mid-afternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."

           --Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

 Download: "Lonely" by the Middle East

I think that every person who has ever felt lonely should join together so that no one will ever feel lonely again.

"I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone."

--Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Download: "North by North" by Faded Paper Figures

(Yeah, I'm on a JSF kick today.)

Buy The Recordings of the Middle East here.

Buy Dynamo here.

(PLEASE) buy Everything is Illuminated here.

(PLEEEEEASE) buy Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close here.

Things That Are Excrutiating

(That is probably not the best title for a blog that you are trying to get people to read, but, um, oh well?)

So. Hi. How are you? Yeah, okay, I don't care that much.

Let's talk about dubs. But first, a preface. I like a lot of things (hence the relative lack of focus in this blog), but two things I really like are video games and anime. YES. VIDEO GAMES AND ANIME. This may seem weird to you, but really, it isn't. I grew up during the height of the "anime with video game tie-ins" craze. People in the 80s had the anime "secretly" selling toys one, and we 90s kids had the anime secretly selling video games, toys, and, um, school buses one.

A lot of fellow video game and anime fans, albeit much more grotesque and irritating ones (yes, there are indeed people more irritating than me!), whine about English dubs. Dubs are, of course, dubbing or translating from one language into another, and since most anime and video games (at least, video games that whiny anime fans play) are Japanese, they have to be dubbed into English. A lot of these fans think that the Japanese or original dub is "lyke sooooo much better desu." Personally, I like a lot of English dubs, or at least tolerate them. But the following examples would probably sound better in their original language.

ANIME THAT SOUND LIKE PEOPLE TRYING TO DIE

One Piece is really popular in Japan. It's one of the top 3 most popular anime, in fact. It never reached that same success here in America.

This is why.

Oh. Oh, dear. That...that isn't good, is it? No. Not at all. One Piece is one of the many anime that is well-liked in its original language by weeaboo masses that was mutilated by 4Kids entertainment. Chances are, if you've ever seen an anime on TV, it was dubbed by 4Kids, and that's exactly why you hate it.

I don't care about the show in the first place, though, so it's dub is more funny to me than anything else. That doesn't mean it's not horrible, though!

Cardcaptor Sakura, on the other hand, is actually a completely awesome manga, and the anime in its original language is also ah-mazin'. However, those darn Canadians decided to turn it into a pile of worthless junk. They called it Cardcaptors. 

You probably have no idea what's going on here. I could try to explain it to you but you'd probably start laughing at me the second I said "ten year old girl," so I won't bother. All you really need to know is that this dub is horrible, but I think you and your bleeding ears get that.

There's even a whole series on YouTube dedicated to bad anime dubs! Here's one example.

Cyborg 009! Bro, I totally watched that show on Toonami back in the day! It wasn't this dub, though; thankfully, they redubbed it to make it more tolerable. But if I was 8 in 1988 and not 2001 and was watching this dub instead, I probably would be in a psych ward by now. Well, maybe not.

OMG BONUS TAIMU DESU! That's what I would say if I looked like this. But I don't, so I'm just going to show you this bonus clip without introduction. (Although it's from that 4Kids dub of One Piece. That's all.)

VIDEO GAMES THAT SOUND SIMILAR TO A VERY ILL MAN'S PUKING

I'm going to get this one out of the way first. I love Final Fantasy X. I love it so, so, so much. I played it for ~20 hours in one week, and I never do that (with any game that doesn't start with "Pokemon," anyway). It is so good that I want to go play it right now!

The one bad thing about it? This scene.

I think I like how the user called Tidus "Baboon" the most about this video. Tidus is kind of an idiot, but I still like him. Um, except for in this horrible little piece of programming. Bleh.

Chaos Wars had no chance. Sure, it actually got some surprisingly decent reviews, but it was yet another faceless tactical RPG in a sea of already extremely niche PS2 TRPGs. Its dub really doesn't help, as it might very well be the worst I've ever heard (apparently it was done by some guy who worked at the publishing company's relatives!).

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE CAN BE THIS BAD AT VOICE ACTING. And why does Uru sound so stereotypically gay?! "I don't really want yo' twisted love. I really don't." I MEAN, WHAT? Seriously. HORRIBLE.

Oh, wait, did I say Chaos Wars has the worst dub ever? I was wrong. This "game" does.

I could try to tell you why this is so bad, but it would either take me years or I would start frothing at the mouth in mere seconds due to my even speaking the name of this abomination. And this clip isn't even the worst of them! Any idiot who paid money for this adventure in wasting time is a sad, sad person and probably will never touch a video game ever again, which is too bad really.

I mean, technically, this isn't a dub in the same way that FFX and Chaos Wars are, but I think it's worth posting for its sheer mediocrity. Besides, the first time I saw it I thought they were dubbing it from some European language.

I'm sorry that I hurt your ears, but if it's any consolation, mine hurt even more -- I had to find these clips AND watch them all the way through AND I watched other clips in between. If you'll excuse me, there's a nice Vicodin with my name on it. (Not really! But there is a little stuffed Pikachu I can rest my head on. Good night.)

P.S. Please, remember that not all English dubs are bad. As I said before, I actually like a lot of them. But sometimes they really are undeniably horrible.

Here's Looking at You, Kids

Do you know where the title is from? If you said anything other than "Casablanca," then off to the chair for you!

But seriously, folks, it's from Casablanca, which, according to Yahoo's 100 Movies to See Before You Die list, is one of the 100 movies you have to watch before you meet your (hopefully neither untimely nor unpleasant) demise. Have you seen it?

I have! Seeing it for the first time stands out as one of those nice little bright spots in my short life. Too bad I didn't even know what it was at the time! (I, obviously, figured it out eventually.) Despite that, I wholeheartedly agree with its inclusion on movie "bests" list.

Looking through the list, I found that these were the movies I had seen:

1. 12 Angry Men
2. Annie Hall
3. Casablanca
4. Citizen Kane
5. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
6. Do the Right Thing
7. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
8. Goldfinger
9. The Graduate
10. A Hard Day's Night
11. It's a Wonderful Life
12. The Matrix
13. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
14. National Lampoon's Animal House
15. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
16. Princess Mononoke
17. Psycho
18. Raiders of the Lost Ark
19. Rebel Without a Cause
20. The Silence of the Lambs
21. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
22. The Sound of Music
23. Star Wars
24. This is Spinal Tap
25. Titanic
26. To Kill a Mockingbird
27. Toy Story
28. When Harry Met Sally...
29. The Wizard of Oz

Dang, I'm only 16 and I'm already more than a quarter of the way through that list. But at the same time, there are tons of movies on the list that I've wanted to see for awhile and still haven't. I should get on that. 

How many have YOU seen? ...Oh really? That's nice...Yes, yes...Okay. Okay! Stop talking now. This is my blog. You wanna talk, you go make your own.

Sorry about that! Yahoo also has a "Modern Classics" list, which has movies from the 90s on. You know what this means, right? Brace yourself for another list of which ones I've seen (not including the ones that overlap, though)!:

1. Beauty and the Beast
2. Dazed and Confused
3. Ed Wood
4. Forrest Gump
5. Four Weddings and a Funeral
6. Babe 
7. Clueless
8. Fargo
9. Being John Malkovich
10. Election
11. Fight Club
12. The Sixth Sense
13. Best in Show
14. Donnie Darko
15. The Royal Tennenbaums
16. Elephant
17. Finding Nemo
18. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
19. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
20. The 40-Year-Old Virgin
21. Brokeback Mountain
22. Borat: Cultural Learnings blah blah blah
23. Pan's Labyrinth
24. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
25. No Country for Old Men
26. The Dark Knight
27. Slumdog Millionaire
28. WALL-E

Hey! I've seen almost the exact same amount of "modern classics" as I have ones from the other list! Of course, this isn't including the ones that overlap, which means I've actually seen more modern classics than, well, classic classics. But can you blame me? I'm actually surprised that I saw that many of the classic classics, anyway, because I perhaps am not the most cinematically literate when it comes to movies made before...I don't know, the 60s or 70s? It's quite sad. That's why I recommend that we all keep this list as a little guideline of what we need to see.

I don't personally believe that this list is the most comprehensive, though; Yahoo is not what I'd call a reputable cinema source. However, it's not that hard to tell what a truly great movie is, especially if you're looking with nostalgia-tinted glasses, as most film critics are...Not that old movies are bad by any means, but I feel like a lot of reviewers/people in general are pretty elitist when it comes to them. People say, "Oh, well, I don't watch movies made after 1975 because they're all horrible!" Well, how would you know that? Based off their trailers? Based off hearsay? It's not very fair.

I will admit that I can be a film elitist, too. When I read through that modern classics list, I rolled my eyes several times. Even before I read it, the article from which I found it phrased it so that it sounded like having a list of modern classics was a negative thing. The list isn't the best, but not because it exists, but because it's missing several things and there are some movie choices that I completely disagree with. But having a list of modern classics in theory isn't bad. Oh, but I think it should be limited to everything before, say, 2008; the inclusion of things such as Avatar and The Hurt Locker read very strangely to me. I don't think a classic movie necessarily has to be an old one, but c'mon, Avatar's not even on DVD yet.

Although personally I don't think it should even be on the list at all. I'm kinda just an Avatar-hater. But what do they say about haters?

That's what!

Saturday Night Live, You Ignorant Slut

It's Saturday night. What are you doing? One of three things, probably: sleeping, partying, or playing Pokemon SoulSilver. Last night, I was doing the latter. But eventually, after playing Pokemon for going on four hours, you think it's time to do something else. So what do you do then?

If you hate yourself, you watch Saturday Night Live.

"That's harsh, Allegra." Girl, please. PLEASE. If you think I'm being a bit over dramatic, then you obviously have not seen Saturday Night Live in the last eight years.

Here's last night's monologue for your convenience.

It's horrible, isn't it? The random appearances of all of those annoying characters was met with relative disinterest by the audience, except for Andy Samberg's Dick in a Box guy. People love the "Dick in a Box" sketch. And you know why? Because it wasn't LIVE.

I think there's something inherently wrong and pathetic about a show that purports itself as the best live comedy hour on television whose best sketches are, well, NOT LIVE. I mean, the show is live for a reason.

So why is all of the live content so bad? Why does it pale in comparison to the pre-taped content? I think it's because of the writing. The writing is just so weak these days. I like Seth Meyers; I think he's a cool, albeit weasel-faced, bro, but he just has not been a successful head writer, at all. Another reason could be that these actors just aren't such great live performers. It seems like all of the performers had some previous experience with it before joining the show, though, so I'm not so sure that's the reason. However, compared to previous casts, this one was much less experienced with improv, with only 1 member coming from Second City, another coming from the Groundlings, and then a few others being in lesser-known improv groups. (Oh, wait, but it doesn't even matter if they can do improv, since Stupid Lorne Michaels doesn't even let them improv! Stupid Lorne Michaels.)

Regardless of their prior experience with live performing, the current cast is actually undeniably funny, even though they try very, very, very hard not to be funny at all on the show (and succeed). Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis, and Andy Samberg are especially funny -- just not on the show. Andy Samberg is especially horrible on the show, unless he's doing one of his digital shorts. Those digital shorts are always, without exaggeration, the best parts of the show when they're on. Obviously, Andy Samberg's forte (get it? Because Will Forte is also a cast member? Tee-hee? Funny?) is writing his own material and then performing it in front of a camera, and not an audience.

Even feral cats like Andy Samberg!

That leopard is obviously only a fan of his Lonely Island/film work. (Erm, minus Hot Rod. Gross.)

It just bothers me every time I see the show that this awesome cast goes to waste because the writing is awful beyond belief. It's kind of sad, but I would be happy if the show was killed off. I think that it would give these actors the chance to do some better work that they can actually be successful in. They get the chance to film movies and such and such and such, but wouldn't it be cool if Bill Hader starred in his own TV show? Or if Kristen Wiig got the chance to really become the next top female comedienne?

Which brings up another point: everyone ranted and raved over the lackluster Tina Fey episode. Why? Because Tina Fey was there, and she was in the majority of the sketches, and anything with her, no matter how poor it is, is better than anything that they show these days without her. That episode was so hyped because the show has been so bad without her -- and personally, I didn't even find it all that great when she WAS on it! It's just so much more preferable to what we have now. Maybe it's because she's a writer first, and a good writer. Seth Meyers might be both a writer and a performer, but he's lackluster at both of those. I thought Tina Fey kind of sucked on Saturday Night Live, but if you watch even one episode of 30 Rock, you know how talented she really is. I think Andy Samberg would be successful if he was given the same kind of venue (not just with The Lonely Island).

So, in sum: the Saturday Night Live of today is horrible. It is a barren wasteland where talented performers go to make money that, based on the work they perform on the show, they don't really deserve, and where writers who may or may not be good go to become worse. Every single actor on the show is probably just using it to get more exposure so they can go down the Mike Myers or Will Ferrell route, although those two routes really are largely sucky, despite how much money those two might make. Hopefully soon Bill Hader will champion a revolt that will lead to the demise or at least mass exodus of the current cast before Lorne Michaels leeches all of the comic ability out of their impressionable young bodies.

And then they will all cry to Lorne Michaels:

You'll find somebody you can blame, and you'll follow the creek that runs out to the sea, and you'll find the peace of the Lord.

Guten tag! That's German. See? You just learned something. Blogs can be educational!

Here's something else I'll be teaching you about: The Middle East.

Surprised? Well, don't be, because I'm not talking about that Middle East, I'm talking about the little band from Australia.

No, please don't leave! This will be awesome, I promise you! Well, maybe not awesome, but whatever! Just listen!

I was watching IFC recently, and they've been airing a lot of clips from South By Southwest, which is in Arizona, I believe? New Mexico? (Oh! Texas. Thanks, Wikipedia.) Everyone on the Internetz seems interested in SXSW, but I wasn't. I didn't give a crud about SXSW because just thinking about all of those sweaty pretentious audiophiles screaming the lyrics to their favorite Radiohead song (even though they're actually watching Broken Social Scene play) in one cramped place made me feel terribly uncomfortable.

But then they showed this video:

And immediately SXSW had won me over. Although, really, they only deserve partial credit, if even that: it was the Middle East that I liked. And it was IFC that brought them to my 32" HD Sony Bravia television (all my Bravia bros., say "Heeeey!" And then don't ever say "Heeeey!" again).

The song is called "Blood." Yes, "Blood" by the Middle East. It is far less violent than it sounds. In fact, it's pretty melancholy, but above all else, it's..."beautiful." That's a word I rarely use, unless I'm talking about my cat. Man, my cat's the best.

Anyway, while watching that video of "Blood", the harmonizing just put me someplace else. The combination of the instruments create this wonderful ambiance that I just got lost in. I stared at the screen, my eyes watering from keeping them pried open, my ears throbbing from how high up I had turned up the volume (only to 65!).

The lyrics are the best part. Please, won't you read them with me?:

Older brother, restless soul, lie down
lie for a while with your ear against the earth
and you'll hear your sister sleep talking
say "your hair is long but not long enough to reach
home to me
but your beard
someday might be"

And she'll wake up in a cold sweat on the floor
next to a family portrait drawn when you were four
and beside a jar of two cent coins that are no good no more
she'll lay it aside

Older father, weary soul, you'll drive
back to the home you made on the mountainside
with that ugly, terrible thing
those papers for divorce
and a lonely ring
a lonely ring
sit on your porch
and pluck your strings

And you'll find somebody you can blame
and you'll follow the creek that runs out into the sea
and you'll find the peace of the Lord.

Grandfather, gentle soul, you'll fly
over your life once more before you die
since our grandma passed away
you've waited for forever and a day
just to die
and someday soon
you will die

It was the only woman you ever loved
that got burnt by the sun too often when she was young
and the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood
and there's nothing you can do about it now

Please don't lie to me and tell me that you don't imagine anything while reading that. How could you not instantly be filled up with all of these different thoughts and emotions? I can't be overselling this, can I? I can't be the only one who thinks this is "the bomb?"

Just look at the cover of their EP, conveniently located to your right, which is called The Recordings of the Middle East. I think it encapsulates "Blood" pretty well, or, at least, what I see in my mind when I hear it. Also, the colors are really nice. Look at 'em.

One of the other songs on the EP that I really like is "The Darkest Side." Its lyrics are kind of overdramatic ("It's the darkest side of my heart that dies when you come to me") but it just sounds so good. On that song, too, they do a lot of cool harmonizing. (See also: "Beleriand.")

Regardless of whether or not you're interested in SXSW, and I must admit that I still care very little about it, I implore you to check out this band. I assure you that you won't regret it. Just try to ignore the fact that their drummer is a dead-ringer for current Weezer bassist Scott Shriner. If you haven't watched the video I posted above already, then please check that out, too. It's quite nice, and is every bit as good as the studio version.

Here's a download of said studio version: "Blood"

You can buy the EP from Amazon here. It's also on iTunes, but I'm pretty mad at Apple right now so you can find it yourself there if you have to. (Don't ask why I'm mad at them. Just, don't. Seriously, I know you're going to want to now, but don't even try it. I'm warning you!)

In Which I Get An Obligatory Post Out of the Way So I Can Post .Gifs of Conan O'Brien Dancing

This is Malcolm Gladwell.

As you can see, he's one classy bro. Unfortunately, when I read Outliers for school this summer, I came back in the fall to find myself as one of the only people who felt that way. The name "Malcolm Gladwell" is largely met with a sneer now, even by people who aren't between the ages of sixteen and eighteen, I find, and it saddens me, because how could anyone hate this guy, even dislike him? (He's like Paul Rudd or something! Everyone loves Paul Rudd!)

Despite its age (because 2005 is so old), this review makes me like him even more. I guess I'll summarize it for you, if you're really that lazy. Basically, Gladwell reviews the book Everything Bad is Good For You: How Today's Pop Culture is Actually Making Us Smarter, which is about how today's pop culture is actually making us smarter. Sorry, was that obvious?

Anyway, sarcasm aside, the book discusses how today's popular culture is much more complex than it used to be, which causes us to think more and become much more active participants in what we're watching (or playing; he cites video games as examples, too) than we used to be. This is something I've been saying for years. Critics of the television and video games are only seeing one side of the picture, only taking things at face value. I find that many of them have only sat through a show or a game long enough to be able to develop a thesis statement and be able to denounce it without sounding uninformed.  But they are uninformed, because the things that make these shows, movies, games, whatever, so great are the things that you actually have to think about: the allusions, the references, the metaphors. Why do they think there are so many sites like Television Without Pity or The AV Club, both of which have hundreds of thousands of views? Yes, for every TWOP you have an IMDB, which has way too many whiny preteens complaining about the dearth of shirtless pictures of Devon Werkheiser there are out there, but the TWOPs and the AV Clubs prove that there is a thoughtful, intelligent audience out there willing to be sucked into the television. These people prove that it can't be all bad.

This is one of my favorite parts:

Most of the people who denounce video games, he says, haven’t actually played them—at least, not recently. Twenty years ago, games like Tetris or Pac-Man were simple exercises in motor coördination and pattern recognition. Today’s games belong to another realm. Johnson points out that one of the “walk-throughs” for “Grand Theft Auto III”...is fifty-three thousand words long, about the length of his book. The contemporary video game involves a fully realized imaginary world, dense with detail and levels of complexity...This is why many of us find modern video games baffling: we’re not used to being in a situation where we have to figure out what to do. We think we only have to learn how to press the buttons faster. But these games withhold critical information from the player. Players have to explore and sort through hypotheses in order to make sense of the game’s environment, which is why a modern video game can take forty hours to complete. Far from being engines of instant gratification, as they are often described, video games are actually, Johnson writes, “all about delayed gratification—sometimes so long delayed that you wonder if the gratification is ever going to show.”

Exactly. As I said before, for every Ico and Final Fantasy IV you have at least two dozen mindless first-person shooters, but even those are more complex than your parents' Pong. Ico is one of the most frustrating games that I've ever played, but it's all worth it because I take away so much - it's like a well-made film, complete with a great story, beautiful art, and an immerse world. Gladwell and the author (Steven Johnson) are exactly right - video games today involve a large amount of critical thinking and are often incredibly complicated. But that's what makes them great.

I said before that I am not so keen on the idea of calling this a "pop culture" blog, but after reading this review, I feel less ashamed of the term. If we can learn to ignore Kim Kardashian and Two and a Half-Men then maybe we can start to realize popular culture's true merits.

Now here is a picture of Conan O'Brien (and Andrew W.K.) dancing:

You're welcome.

Now Featuring Danish Subtitles!

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you come in. ...I thought I had locked the door...how did you get in, anyway?

Well, no matter.

This morning I chose to start my day by re-reading Sacha Baron Cohen's Wikipedia page. I did not plan to do this. It just happened. However, I believe that it was fate that brought Mr. Baron Cohen's Wiki page and I together, for reading it for the third time led me on a journey -- a journey through the world of YouTube. Sort of.

According to Wikipedia,  Baron Cohen is involved (somehow) with a movie called Dinner for Schmucks. Yes, the title is stupid. But you haven't seen the poster!

"Steve Carell?" I said. And then I looked to the right. I gasped: "Paul Rudd?!" Immediately I had to know everything about this movie. I mean, come on. Steve Carell. And Paul Rudd. In a film. Together. With (as I found out from Wikipedia) Jemaine Clement and ZACH GALIFIANAKIS. It's like the writers sought out to please me specifically. Too bad Jason Bateman's not in it. (Also, I'm just going to pretend that Jeff Dunham doesn't exist.)

I then headed to YouTube to witness this Dream Team in action.



Yeah, so, it is kind of stupid. I hate the premise, and I hate all of the destruction that goes on. It makes me cringe. I'm going to give the film the benefit of the doubt, though, because I just have to. I'm physically incapable of being apathetic about or even disinterested in this movie!

Trailer Rating: 3 Steve Carell's in Glasses out of 5.

After watching that trailer, I found myself compelled to watch more. "Curse you, YouTube," I hissed as I clicked on the trailer for The Kids are All Right, "for making everything so accessible!" (YouTube, if you're reading this, please don't be offended; I love you, I do.)

The Kids are All Right is a movie that I've been hearing lots of good buzz about for a long time. (Okay, maybe not that long. Only since Sundance, less than three months ago. I'm a kid; life moves fast when you spend your whole day reading Wikipedia articles!)  Even though I had been instructed by many a magazine to look it up, I never really did. But today, I pleased many film critics across the country by watching the trailer.



The first things I noticed were "Cousins" by Vampire Weekend playing and JOSH HUTCHERSON. Josh Hutcherson! You know, Josh Hutcherson. He's sort of like my generation's Steve Zahn; he's been in a ton of movies, but you never really remember who he is when you see him. You just know that you know him.

But this time, I remembered him. Geez, he grew up. He actually looks his age now! Things kind of rolled on like a bumpy Katamari after that. I got this feeling that the movie is better than the trailer wanted to let on. I mean, on the one hand, you have the story about the kids of lesbians trying to find their sperm donor/father. That's an unconventional twist on the popular Lifetime trope "MOM SHUT UP I WANNA FIND MY FATHER BECAUSE I'M AN ANGSTY TEENAGER WAAH." And then, on the other hand, you have one of said lesbians making out with said sperm donor/father. Erm.  Yeah.

Oh, and Mia Wasikowska is like an irritating little mixture of Gwenyth Paltrow and Claire Danes.

Anyway, this trailer gets 2.5 Child Actors out of 5.

Then I stumbled upon The Greatest, starring, amongst others, Carey Mulligan and Aaron Johnson as Brits Who Are Trying Really Hard To Sound Like Americans and Failing. Luckily for them, I like them. I like everyone in this movie: Pierce Brosnan, Susan Sarandon, Johnny Simmons; what's not to like? (Although I must admit that I'm more scared of Susan Sarandon than fond. I blame that movie Step-Mom.)



I love the song. I think it was written specifically for the film. If that's true, then I'm calling mutiny on the Academy if it's not nominated next year! (Knowing how much the Academy likes to irritate me, I'm also calling now that it won't be.)

This was my favorite trailer so far. It was sappy, it was annoying at times, but it actually inspired some sort of response from me. Well, a response other than confusion or disgust. It made me want to go see it, badly. Very badly. And that's the best thing a trailer can do, isn't it?

5 Unbelievably Accent-Less Actors out of 5!

The first time I watched the next trailer, for Take Me Home, I thought, "Wow. This is stupid." But after watching it again...maybe it was Sufjan Stevens' "Come On, Feel the Illinoise!" but I liked it. A lot.



I think I hated it the first time because I wasn't sure if Amber and Sam Jaeger were siblings or not. I was convinced that they were brother and sister, and incest is only cool if it's the kind on Arrested Development (and that wasn't even real incest, so). But then I watched it again. And then I found out they were married, which is completely different than being siblings. And then I came to love how inventive the plot was - a guy (lonely, I suppose, or just poor) decides to become a fake cab driver - all the benefits of being a real cab driver without the certification and the annoying hours! The "romantic comedy" part invokes images of Matthew McConaughey and/or Sandra Bullock, but not all romantic comedies are drivel. I don't know if this one has a release date any more specific than "2010," but I'll be keeping my eyes on it. (Which means I won't be keeping my eyes on it at all until, by a stroke of luck, I find out about it again.)

4 Unknown Talents out of 5 is what this gets from me.

The last trailer I watched was the funniest -- and not at all intentionally. Observe, Love at First Hiccup:



Just let that soak in. Let it invade your pleasure centers. Let your body erupt with unrestrained feelings of pity and amusement.

For the uninitiated: The star of this film is Devon Werkheiser. Devon Werkheiser was the star of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide on Nickelodeon. Devon Werkheiser still has all of his baby teeth.

And now, Devon Werkheiser will have his "first time" in a film that is an R-rated remake of a Danish family film.

Yes.

There is so much stupidity in this trailer that it hurts. The cheesy music, Corey Feldman's illegitmate potty-mouth son, the awkwardness, the jerkface boyfriend, the slow-motion, the gay joke, the OH GOD JUST EVERYTHING. My gut exploded at least four times in the two minutes and seven seconds that this trailer lasted, and then it exploded AGAIN.

The best part about everything is that DEVON WERKHEISER STILL LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE NED BIGBY. NED BIGBY STARS IN THIS FILM. Please, try to understand how HILARIOUS this is to me.

This movie was supposed to come out last year. Obviously, it didn't. Will it ever come out? Part of me really, really hopes so, but for the public's sake, let's hope it stays on the shelf of its little Danish director for the rest of her (or, um, his?) life. Or at least just send it straight-to-DVD. Does anyone over the age of eight (or under the age of 35) even watch anything that goes straight-to-DVD? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I think this movie is supposed to be funny -- it's hard to tell. The thing is, though, it's not funny when it's trying to be, or for the reasons it tries to be. It's funny because it's so...not good. Maybe this film isn't particularly not good, like Battlefield Earth or Manos: The Hands of Fire, but I'd put it in the realm of Twilight.

I give this trailer one Danish-subtitled Mess out of five.

Does your head hurt yet? Good. So does mine. I'm going to have the surprisingly decent singing voice of Devon Werkheiser lull me to sleep. You should, too.

Hello.

...Okay, so I lied. Fonzie was not six four.

But this is true: this is a blog.

And what is this blog about? Well, it's hard to say. I guess you could call it a "pop culture" blog, but that brings up some dreadful connotations. Writing about pop culture on the internet usually consists of stalking people (Gawker), or writing the same stupid thing over-and-over-and-over again (PopEater), or making "celebrities" look like idiots (TMZ, Perez Hilton, basically every other stupid blog on the internet, pop culture or not). 


So what can I call this blog? I guess I'll just call it a blog about things I'm interested in, like movies and music and TV and video games. Sometimes these things are awesome, and sometimes these things are not. But they will never involve Kate Gosselin or the Super Jonas Bros. This, I promise you.


P.S. This blog's name comes from one of my favorite things, Clark and Michael. There's the link, so you have no excuse not to watch it. (Episode 3 is the best/where the name comes from.)