If My Life Were a Martial Arts Film

I'd go see it on the cheap, if only to beat this oppressive heat. IT IS OPPRESSING ME!

But instead, let us look at some other would-be films. Here's one: Arrested Development as an action film.



I love George-Michael's line. I think that's one of the best parts.

I'm sure you've all seen The Shining as a romantic comedy? Well, see it again.



This one is really, really good: Mary Poppins as "Scary Mary." Truly frightening.



Wow, this one is hilarious: Brokeback to the Future. THE ONLY VARIABLE THEY FORGOT WAS LOVE, GUYS.



This one is excellent, if only because Woody makes a great Joker - it's The Dark Knight trailer recut to Toy Story 2. It's the #1 film/animation YouTube video in Ireland, guys! MUST BE GOOD. (Spoiler: it is.)



A little long, but really stellar, old sport, is this Tom Hanks as James Bond trailer. Never did I imagine that he would be/have been so excellent for the role. Maybe that should be his next gig - of course, whenever the Bond series is made again. It's on hold for now, unfortunately (although I haven't seen any of the recent ones so I don't know if they're even good or not, and I really don't like Daniel Craig).



If you've found any others, post 'em in the comments. Oh, and keep letting me know if you want the new posts emailed to you when they're posted.

Non-Stop Crazy

This music video, for "Swim" by Surfer Blood, which is, according to NeoGAF, an "overly elitist hipster mega-popular underground band," is really weird. Really. The ending helps it to make sense in some way, but the majority of it is incredibly nonsensical. I just thought you had to see it. (The song itself is okay, but I like the comparable "Daisy" by Fang Island better. This is a good summer song, too, though. I can understand how those not-so-lovable hipsters go crazy for this band. What I don't get is why they sell this album at Target.)



Know any other WILD and CRAZY videos? Post them in the comments, I guess.

In other news, Javier Bardem will be on Glee next season (for what I presume is a guest-starring role) and I finally beat this one really hard boss in Final Fantasy XIII.

40th Post and Latest Post Ever!

It was SO hot today. Thankfully, I was in a nice, air-conditioned house for most of the day. But now I'm not, sadly. Instead, I only have the fan to keep me cool. (I mean, I'm really cool as is, but you know. Body temperature-wise.) Tomorrow's supposed to be even worse, too.

Luckily for you lot, I've created a lovely little mixtape (courtesy of MixPod.com) to keep us all from having heat strokes and generally just going insane. Instead of making you resent the heat and yourself for burning up and feeling like you're going to die, this mix will make you want to dance on top of the sun.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

All of these songs are amazing, and you should download them (LEGALLY) when you get the chance. Stay cool. See you tomorrow (which technically starts in less than half an hour.)

Not at All Fourth of July-Related

Would it be bad for me to say that I don't much care for Fourth of July?

Either way, let's celebrate in the most un-American way possible: MANGA! And a little bit of ANIME!

Specifically, Kodocha, which is one of my favorites eveeer.

It's about this mentally unstable (ahaha) child star, Sana Kurata, who is perpetually hyper and likes to be in charge. Oh yeah, she's in elementary school. (6th grade.) And the boys in her class are idiotic and also frightening, especially the leader of them, Akito Hayama. But then Sana and Akito become BFFs and Akito falls in love with her and Sana is an oblivious idiot so she doesn't figure that out until volume 6. Um. Stuff.

I can't really describe things, especially not on holidays, but it's a lot better than I'm making it sound. It's a shojo manga, and it's a little sappy, but it's also really hilarious (especially in the first three volumes; the last seven are more dramatic and sad) and interesting with really good characters.

 Crud, Akito's smiling! That never happens! D'awww.

If dramatic romance manga (which, c'mon, Kodocha is for the bulk of the time) isn't your thing, then I suggest you try the anime. The anime is much weirder than the manga and more funny than serious. It's really well-done, really funny, and incredibly insane. Yeah, there's still the romantic moments, but for the most part it's just Sana jumping around, singing, and having trouble shutting up.

It's GREAT.

Sorry this post was so sucky, but I am serious about recommending Kodocha. It's one of my most CHERISHED, BELOVED manga/anime. So check it out.

P.S. Don't go on YouTube, apparently it's being hacked right now.

I know this much is true.

I'm feeling nostalgic for a time period I never lived in right now. The 80s! I think it's because we were watching Freaks and Geeks yesterday. They're showing it on IFC now. Check it out.

I don't feel like writing much, so I'm just going to post the best stinking songs from the 80s. Enjoy, or else!

General Public - "Tenderness"

Soft Cell - "Tainted Love" 

Note: Don't EVER, EVER bring up the fact that Marilyn Manson covered this song. That cover is one the worst things I've ever heard in my life. Ever. And didn't the Pussycat Dolls cover this, too? Ugh.

Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen

Michael Jackson - "Billie Jean"

Strangely enough, my favorite Michael Jackson song is from the 70s. It's "Rock With You." I WANNA RAAAAWK WITH YOOOOU

Kajagoogoo - "Too Shy"

A-ha - "Take On Me"

Alphaville - "Forever Young"

This is not only one of my favorite 80s songs, but one of my favorite songs ever. Call me sappy. Actually, don't, if you like how your face looks right now. (Wow, I'm really threatening today!)

Blondie - "Heart of Glass"

Spandau Ballet - "True"

Such a good song.

I'm going to go take a nap and dream that I'm Molly Ringwald in The Pretty in Breakfast Pink...Club. Yeah.

I Feel Like I Don't Have Much To Say

today. I just can't think of anything to write about.

I'm pretty obsessed with How to Train Your Dragon right now, so let's talk about this:

This year so far has been pretty terrible when it comes to movies. The Top 5 best-reviewed films of this year so far include 4 movies that were only released in limited and Toy Story 3. While the Top 5 at the end of the year does sometimes look a lot like this, by the summer months, we should be seeing more films that people have actually heard of in the Top 5 - at least one more. Toy Story 3 was amazing (it's probably going to be my pick for the best of the year/decade/my life, etc.)

Look at the Top 10 though - only one of them came out in wide release, too, and that was How to Train Your Dragon, coming in right after TS3 at 6th. The other four were Exit Through the Gift Shop, which I saw, the movie that won Best Foreign Film (so technically it came out last year, anyway), and two other films that most people have never heard of this.

The Oscars expanded the Best Picture playing field to 10 films last year so that wide releases would get attention and they'd get more ratings. Sadly, in a perfect world they would do this because there are 10 very deserving films. Back in the 90s, 80s, 70s, etc., people had heard of the Best Picture nominees. People had SEEN them. Does this mean movies are getting worse in general, or does it just mean that Hollywood productions are starting to lose steam? I'm thinking the latter.

Another thing: when the two best wide releases of the year (so far, but I might wager that they still will be in December) are animated films, I think that means that we need to start giving more credence to the animation genre. Animation is SO GOOD. Every year my top film is usually animated. Last year, it was Up. The year before that? WALL-E. Most widely-released animation isn't as good as Pixar, but every Pixar film is just as good, if not better, than the live action films that come out around it. Same with the limited-release Miyazaki films (I think Tales of Earthsea is this year; last year, it was the pretty good Ponyo), which always place in my EXCLUSIVE "Best of the Year" list. (It's exclusive because it only exists in my head.) DreamWorks either is really good (HTTYD, the original Shrek, and I guess Kung-Fu Panda even though I thought it was boring with AMAZING animation) or really horrible (every other film they've made except Shrek 2, which I for one liked). I almost didn't see HTTYD because the ad campaign was so horrible; they were selling it as yet another pop culture-referencing, stupidly kiddy film, which it isn't, AT ALL. People need to understand that animation is not just kid's fare anymore, and even when it is targeted towards kids (like Ponyo), most animation studios don't seem to get that "kid's film" does NOT equal "idiot's film."

This summer, the movies have been pretty lackluster, TS3 aside, obviously. This has been griped about a lot lately, mostly in passing, apparently, because I can't seem to find many articles. Here's one. Every movie that people hoped would be good turned out to be horrible or mediocre. Iron Man 2 had high expectations and fell flat, critically. I heard a LOT of people say that it was awful. Robin Hood was bad and failed commercially, too; Prince of Persia, The A-Team, Jonah Hex. The only summer film to come out that's gotten good reviews (ONCE AGAIN OTHER THAN TS3 I WILL REITERATE THIS OFTEN) is The Karate Kid, another "kid's film."

The only movies coming out that I'm excited for this summer now are Inception and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Nothing else seems like it's going to be worth the money to me. Despicable Me's been getting good reviews; The Kids Are All Right's supposed to be good, although that's in limited. The Sorcerer's Apprentice (starring Hiccup!) looks like it could be pretty decent. But even though the word on these movies may be good right now, it's more likely than not that they'll end up being the same old dreck that's been pumped out all year. I call it the MacGruber effect: a movie gets positive early buzz but ends up having a negative consensus. But I guess we'll see.

I hope this summer picks up in terms of movies, but I don't see that happening.

(On a side note - does anyone want to get an email saying that a new post has been published? Let me know and I can sign you up for that.)

Work Of Art #1.4 Review

I've been trying to write a review for this for awhile, but I just...couldn't. But today I'm going to try. This post will probably be really stupid, full of "It was stinking hilarious", and poorly written. Just giving you some warning.

Oh, and before I get into things, please follow my tumblr if you have one. If you don't have one, then just disregard this part. It was supposed to supplement this blog, somehow, but I'm not really sure how so it kind of isn't.

WORK OF ART #1.4 "A Shock to the System"

While last week's challenge was incredibly commercial and "safe," yesterday's episode was all about shocking the viewer. That being said, while this challenge was probably more interesting and was better for showcasing the artists' talents than last week's, trying to shock is overrated and pretty hard to do well, which led to this episode, much like last week's, featuring the artists flailing their arms and freaking out a lot. (Look at all of those F's!)

However, one person who kept his cool amidst the rest of the gang's misguided attempts to shock was my favorite brohan, Miles. Miles is, without exaggeration, one of the greatest reality show "characters" I've ever seen. Every week Miles speaks in the same deadpan/mildly sarcastic tone in his talking heads and says something completely awesome. This week, he talked about how the first time he got turned on, which was while watching Ursula The Little Mermaid. Yes, this was actually completely relevant to the rest of the episode. Basically, this was Miles: "maaaan dat fish was dayum fine." Um, except more deadpan, obviously. And then he asked his mom what was "happening to his body." Oh, Miles.

Miles constantly mugs for the camera in his big glasses and rolled up jeans and it's just great. Did I mention that he relies on the old standby "I have OCD" as an excuse for everything and has an affinity for sleeping at the oddest of times and in the oddest of places? It's pretty obvious that Miles is going to come out on, or near, the top because he's the strongest personality; not only that, but he also has the best portfolio. I really liked his genital-laden, male bodily fluid-stained Mickey Mouse (now THAT'S something you don't hear someone say every day); while it wasn't that shocking, well, none of the pieces were, honestly, so grading on artistic merit his really was the best. But, of course, I'm kind of biased.

Miles: "Excuse me while I jack off on my painting and then take a nap on it, kthx"

Some of the other "characters" got some fun showtime today. Whenever I see Ryan, I wonder why we don't see more of him. He seems like a cool guy, if a little full of himself (there have been SO MANY pieces that have Ryan in them so far). This time we got to see some Ryan action as we watched him make an idiot out of himself in an attempt to be shocking. It' so weird, because Ryan, like Erik who is probably one of his best buddies, has this sorta dynamic personality (I mean, relatively speaking I guess) and I don't constantly forget about him, like Mark and Peregrine, but at the same time I don't really see him going far. He is talented; his picture was good, albeit not very shocking and boringly self-centered yet again. It's just that he seems more like the male model who is there for the artists to use as opposed to being an artist himself. [/Ryan rant]

Someone who actually got a lot of screen time (as opposed to Ryan, whose "some Ryan action" really amounted to about 5 minutes of screen time) was Jaclyn. Jackie is the obligatory "Little Miss Hottie" who's there for the audience to ogle and for the judges to make awkward comments about. I enjoyed watching them look at her piece, which looked like pictures someone would take with their cell phone to send to their boyfriend Jaden or whatever who would later show those pictures that were supposed to be "so special" to all of his friends, including that sleezy dude that everyone calls Boner who would then email the pictures to every single person in school. The judges seemed to derive a bit too much pleasure from the piece. You knew this was true when they put her in the Top 2 with Abdi, another favorite to win. While Jackie didn't end up winning, she does get to stay to prance around nude for at least one more episode.

I have a love-hate relationship with Erik. On the one hand, he's "really stinking hilarious." On the other hand, he's also kind of a jerk and the art he's done so far really sucks. They always show "ERIK JOHNSON'S PREVIOUS WORK LOOK AT IT PEOPLE HERE IT IS WE'RE ONLY SHOWING IT FOR A  FEW SECONDS BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE OKAY IT'S GONE NOW BRAVOTV.COM THANKS" and it always looks really good, but then the crud he produces on the show is just, well, crud. I wonder if it's because he doesn't work well under pressure? I don't know. His "shocking" picture was of Ryan (of course) and Jackie's feet, symbolizing, um, priests molesting little boys. Uh. Uh? Let's stop talking about it, because it's just...erm. Since Jackie is very whiny, she started screaming at people to give her ideas, and Erik did, saying she should have people write all over her pictures. She used this idea and the judges loved it. Erik did not love it when she passed this idea off as her own. That makes sense, of course he'd be mad, but it really made him unlikable in that moment. Jackie, too, but she's always unlikable. I really just wanted Erik to go home. 

(Did I mention that the guest judge this week was famous shock artist Andreas Serrano? I know, you don't care.)

Can I just say that Peregrine cracked me up so many times in this episode? First you see her just standing around nonchalantly in her metallic bunny hood, and then, while wearing that same insane outfit, she has the gall to call Nao "really crazy" (I mean, which she is, but c'mon). Her painting was of fashion models with STDs, and one of them was basically just China Chow. It was called "Syphilis for Prada and Herpes for Chanel." That was basically my favorite non-Miles moment of the episode because during the gallery show China, when looking at the painting, was like, "There's my Chanel collar! And there's my dress! I don't have STDs this is so not cool gaiz D':" China's been completely useless as a host so far. She's no Heidi Klum or Padma Lakshmi (who is actually a really excellent host; thank you, Bravo, for putting Top Chef on right before Work of Art), but I felt like she actually had a personality in this episode, at least. That was nice to see.

The other judges range from annoying to hilariously dumb. Jerry Saltz is the prime suspect in irritating-ness; I'm sure he's the most qualified member of the panel but he really bugs me. I love New York mag but I guess I always skipped the Art section for a reason. Read his recap of the episode to get a sense of how obnoxious he is. The hilariously dumb judge is Jeanne Greenberg Rohatyn, who is barely qualified to even brush her own hair, let alone be in charge of the fate of the people on this show. Jeanne just never has anything of use to say. While Andreas Serrano was standing up for one of the artists that she was dissing, she just gave him this look like, "Uh, are you kidding me right now? How can you NOT agree with me?!" It was incredibly obnoxious and idiotic.

The Tim Gunn character is Simon de Pury, who seems like one of the nicest, friendliest people who has ever existed. While in earlier episodes he seemed more like an observer than a mentor, this time he dispensed important advice and also regaled the artists with his lovely sense of humor. (One of my favorite parts of the show so far has to be, from last week's episode, when Simon tells a joke about a Dr. Zhivago-reading dog. Simon, be my grandfather or something, please!) I think Simon should be a judge, because he seems more cultured, intelligent, and interesting than any of the people who are actually getting paid to give their weak criticisms.

In a horrible segue, not only were the artists trying to be shocking, but the producers were, too, apparently. To be subversive or something, they went with an American Idol-style approach and said that they were going to eliminate TWO people this week. Yeah, I just put "American Idol" in the same sentence as "subversive." That should tell you what I thought of this choice.

The bottom four were Erik, Nao (the "internationally renowned performance artist," she was shaping up to be "The Villain" in the beginning but just faded away), Jamie Lynn (the "Nice Christian Girl"), and John, who was one of my absolute favorites. He won last week's Book Cover challenge and was just generally sweet and huggable. Oh, and, yeah, he was a good artist, too. This week he made a picture of a dude performing "auto-fellatio." I don't want to explain what that means to you, but I also don't want you to see the picture. Hopefully you know enough to know what that means on your own, because it's really disgusting. Unfortunately, the judges found John's picture safe and uninteresting. They told John that they would have preferred a photo of him actually doing the act, which is completely disgusting and weird to say to someone with a straight face. John looked insanely uncomfortable, and I don't blame him.

Nao was put down for doing thoughtless performance art, which was true, but I found it pretty unsettling. So did Andreas Serrano, who, while not shocked, claimed to be disturbed. This view was undermined by the other judges. Idiots. Jamie Lynn drew a parody of the Last Supper that was not shocking at all. The premise was that "We're making Jesus look bad! I'm going to draw a picture that shows you guys that you're making Jesus look bad with all your debauchery! JESUS CHRIST IS SO WONDERFUL!" Oh-kay, Crazy Lynn. The judges called it "Apostles Gone Wild," and aptly-so, but this "Gone Wild" stuff has become so ingrained in our culture that it's pretty much commonplace. As said in this fine review of the episode, "Presented to a panel that includes a man who dumps crucifixes into vats of urine, this 'outrage' directed at religion was benign if not wholly pleasant." It truly was awful.

In the end, the judges kicked off John and Nao, which was completely idiotic. While Jerry Saltz seems to indicate otherwise in his review, I think that the producers wanted to go for shocking in as many aspects as possible. John said that he was "went from winning a challenge one week to being sent home the next [which] is extremely baffling," and I agree. It was stupid. And Nao's might have been meaningless, but I'd be pretty shocked if I saw someone covered in feces that they rubbing on their crotch, and I doubt that'd have a point, either. Erik has been either awful or mediocre for the last four challenges, and Jamie Lynn's was outstandingly bad. Sending home Nao and my beloved JOHN was stupid beyond belief.

It may seem like I have a lot of criticisms, but I'm a hater. That's what we do. I actually really liked this episode, but I don't think I liked it as much as last week's. Next week there's supposed to be some Miles x Nicole (who I haven't mentioned even once, have I?) stuff, which means that there will be lots and lots of Miles, which makes me an excited little girl.

I'll give this episode 3 and a half Little-Mermaid-lovin' Miles out of 5.

Check out the "works of art" here.